Indiana Jones and the Legend of the Cold War
Indiana Jones was born in 1899 which would make him 102-year old on September 11, 2001 and which explains why he couldn’t be taking part in the war against Islamo-Fascism in 2008 in the new “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” that was released last week.
And that’s too bad. Just imagine a plot in which Osama bin Laden steals The Ark of the Covenant from Washington, DC—it has been apparently stored in a government warehouse there since 1936 after Indy had recovered it from the Nazis—and our professor is called out of retirement in some assistant living place for old dudes—and is on his way, on a wheel chair, hooked-up to an IV machine, taken care by a young nurse (Scarlett Johansson, please, please…) who is also equipped with several sets of disposable underwear and false teeth—to the Broader Middle East to fight Moslem terrorists.
This first Indiana Jones movie in 19 year could then become the first in The Old/Senile Indiana Jones Chronicles (In the next film, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad gets hold of the Holy Grail and old Indy runs over him with his walker). It could also provide for a lot of funny lines about “senior moments” (“Is Dr. Jones sleeping? Or is he dead?”) while Viagra and the McCain election campaign would probably do product placement. But unfortunately, the movie won’t reach the right demographic groups. Geezers lose in the Box Office (and me hopes also in presidential elections).
So instead of playing a centurian in the new movie, Harrison Ford is a fifty-something kind-of-guy in the latest installment. Not a lot of senior moments yet for him. But the guy “matured,” although poor Karen Allen who plays his former GF and his future wife, Marion, and who is actually younger than Ford by nine years, looks more like his mom. Hollywood is certainly not very kind of aging actresses and female entertainers in general. And instead of the War on Terrorism, we are back in the good-old days of the Cold War, not as good as the Good War, but still, as the Crystal Skull demonstrates, quite a lot of fun.
Remember Greta Garbo as the female Soviet agent in “Ninotchka”? Cate Blanchett plays a similar role in the new Indy as Irina Spalko, a Russian operative who, following the orders of Uncle Joe, is after the Crystal Skull, a ancient artifact that could help the Soviets rule the world. John Hurt plays a professor of something who is actually a 110-year old. And then there is the very irritating Shia LaBeouf (not relation to these guys) who plays Dr. Jones’ kid, “Mutt,” straight out of “Grease” and on a motorcycle, trying to do a parody of James Dean in “Rebel Without a Cause.” The guy really, really sucks, and I hope he doesn’t end up playing Indiana Jones III in the next film. Why didn’t they shoot him?
In any case, to make a long movie sound short, it’s basically a 50’s Retro (it supposed to take place in 1957). We can hear Elvis in the background and there are a lot of allusions to Sci-Fi B movies which were pre-occupied the extraterrestrial menace and with mushroom clouds that would end the world, which are the two major themes in this film that also recalls scenes from “Tarzan,” “Happy Days,” and other stuff that Steven Spielberg (who made the movie) enjoyed watching when he was growing up.
And the Reds/Commies are portrayed as dim-witted brutes whose quest for world domination is foiled by the American-led Coalition of the Willing, that includes also the E.T.’s, one fat Brit, and a group of indigenous people. And Professor Jones is even investigated by some FBI agents (one of whom looks like Roy Cohn) re his loyalty, and is blacklisted for a while. But all’s well that ends well. American Wins and Dr. Jones is reinstated at the university and is–not so good news for him–forced to marry the gal who looks like him mom.
Comments
Isn’t it obvious that “Mutt” is set up to be the next Indy? The whole reason for shooting this crummy film might have been to prepare the continuation of the franchise.
The alien-driven plot was absurd. I would have preferred a fight against Islamofascists.
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Fear not-the DNA trail left behind by the wear and tear of Dr.Jones field work extends from Kathmandu to Copan, so his scientific colleagues should have him cloned before the next evil empire can arise.
Expect the American Institute Of Archaeology to back the effort. It just elected Harrison Ford to its Board of Directors.
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The Soviets were props here. They were no more a real portrayal than the Nazis in two of the previous movies.
Still, what’s wrong with having commies be 2-dimensional evil characters? Are you going to echo the arguement of the Russian Communist party that Harrison Ford and Cate Blanchett are running dogs of the CIA?
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“...foiled by the American-led Coalition of the Willing, that includes also the E.T.’s, one fat Brit, and a group of indigenous people.”
And the tree monkeys… you forgot the tree monkeys.
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Shia LaBeouf “irritating”? Uh… yeah. Who’s pushing this kid? He’s actually anti-charismatic, if that’s possible. Every so often, someone comes along who gets the big Hollywood Push. Chances of them making it past a half-dozen movies is very, very slim. The Big Push guarantees a film career - NOT! But I wonder: What’s the criteria for picking who’s this week’s flavor?
The best summation of LaBoeuf’s career came awhile ago from a “Disturbia” reviewer, who referred to him as the film’s “damsel in distress.”
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As a matter of fact, the reactionary running dog Jones has been denounced by the Central Committee of the Communist Party of the former USSR:
In an open letter, it declared:
“Your work in this film is an insult to the Soviet and Russian people, who remember the difficult Fifties when our country was concluding its reconstruction after the Great War, but did not send merciless terrorists to the USA.
You have no future in Russia any more. Speaking plainly, it is better for you not to come here. You will be beaten and despised.”--http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/film/article3994888.ece
Full disclosure: It would serve him right, because my MacGuffin is better than his MacGuffin,and the man’s a bloody Democrat.
http://adamant.typepad.com/seitz/2008/05/blue-jade.html
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Thanks Russel! Well, the commies miss such films as “Mission to Moscow:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mission_to_Moscow
And watch this clip: http://video.google.com/videosearch?hl=en&ie=ISO-8859-1&um=1&q;="mission%20to%20moscow"%20"stalin"&sa=N&tab=bv#
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ooops..sorry...this is the link to the film clip:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8045212048799934189&q;="mission+to+moscow"+"stalin"&ei=7XQ8SJSXIIim-QGe8vXwAw&hl=en
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Obrigado, Leon
Only infantile left deviationists believe crystal skull is Aztec invention. Was actually invented by great teacher Stalin as training aid for measuring cranial volume of Trotsky using ice axe.
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Was Spielberg young enough to be a follower of Happy Days? I haven’t watched the movie; is Lucas recalling American Graffiti?
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Thanks for the review. I think I’ll wait until it comes out on DVD. Better yet, I’ll wait until it comes out on Direct TV. It will be worth the wait! Oh yes, it will be worth the wait! By the way Spielberg, where any old Nazis coming out from under any beds?
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Who took the Crystal Skull from its “original owner”
and how did they do it?
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By the way Spielberg, where any old Nazis coming out from under any beds?
Indy runs into Nazis hiding in postwar Argentina!
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You might be right about “Happy Days.” And re the complaints from the commies in Moscow. The film is actually a parody of the Red-are Under-my-Bed films. Like “I Married a Communist” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Married_a_Communist_(film)
And I highly recommend the British television miniseries “Sleepers” which has also a Ninotchka character. http://www.overstock.com/Books-Movies-Music-Games/Sleepers-DVD/2407388/product.html?cid=54554&fp=F&siteID=17jUH0Lek90-SKNxY.rfVfr8gOpdycD9Rw
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“Remember Greta Garbo as the female Soviet agent in “Ninotchka”? Cate Blanchett plays a similar role in the new Indy as Irina Spalko, a Russian operative who, following the orders of Uncle Joe, is after the Crystal Skull, a ancient artifact that could help the Soviets rule the world.”
and
“In any case, to make a long movie sound short, it’s basically a 50’s Retro (it supposed to take place in 1957).”
****
Uncle Joe was dead a few years.
By 1957, Nikita K was in charge.
On a somewhat related front, I found the James Cagney starred One, Two, Three (circa around 1960) to be perhaps the most hilarious Cold War film made.
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@John Schmidt,
I’ll go you a couple better. I will wait till they torture me with it at Guantanamo....or my son forces me to see it, whichever comes first.
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Michael: You’re right about Stalin. But the female Soviet agent refers to her orders from Stalin. Maybe she didn’t follow the news or communicated with him in some mysterious ways (she is supposed to be a psychic. In any case, that’s not the only “fact” that doesn’t make a lot of sense in this film.
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I guess work is work, but Cate Blanchett deserves better than this redo.
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Truly a classic. Indy as described chasing Osama, also wheelchair-bound and hooked up to his dialysis machine. And that is about how real-life is the farce we are currently engaged in is.
Osama has been dead for years, and the studio at Langley has held auditions for stand-ins to petrify the population when the political cue calls for a new tape from the now perennial boogie man.
The enemy is inside, not out. As Pat Buchanan argued years back, we must choose between a Republic or an Empire. It is the promoters of the latter and the effects of their policies which are our ruin, and that of the world as well.
Film that. Call it the updated “Why We Fight”.
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I love Cate Blanchett but in this movie she was out-acted by the Crystal Skull.
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Professor Hadar, with deepest respect, I have the honor of correcting you on an inconsequential matter. This does not in any way detract from my gratitude for your insights over the years. I look forward to continuing to benefit from them.
The inconsequential point is that Dr. Jones’ kid, “Mutt”, is not “on a motorcycle, trying to do a parody of James Dean in “Rebel Without a Cause””, but of Marlon Brando in “The Wild One”.
http://tinyurl.com/8jsa4
Overall this movie wasn’t bad, as Indiana Jones movies go.
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