Sadomasochist Nation
When the Soviet Union collapsed, it seemed for 20 minutes or so that America might revert from being a crusade back into a country. For 50 years, we’d served as the arsenal of democracy, its moneybags, its poolhall bouncer. With the cave-in of Communism—accomplished through means miraculous, by unarmed Polish dockworkers, without a war—it appeared we might catch a break. Our cities would no longer sit in the bullseye of nuclear missiles; our budget need not leak down the rathole of high-tech weaponry. We could bring the boys home and settle down to solve a few domestic problems—like unusable, dangerous public schools; a health care system that screwed the middle class and the working poor; chaotic, unguarded borders; whole cities full of semi-literate, fatherless youths. You know, the small stuff. But now we’d get to sweat it.
We even came up with a cute little name for the money we’d save on thermonuclear city-busters and $2.3 billion submarines. (Just bringing it up makes me feel all wooly and nostalgic, like finding a Betamax tape of one of Tom Hanks’ early movies—you know, before he played that AIDS martyr in Philadelphia, and became the Personification of All That is Good and Decent in America. Back when he used to be funny.)
We called our mad money “The Peace Dividend.” Remember that? It’s a idea that lasted as long as Nirvana’s recording career—and ended just as abruptly. But it sure was pretty to think about. Like a clan of Beverly Hillbillies, Clinton Democrats tussled with Dole Republicans down by the chicken coop over how we would spend all that dern money. Should we build up the Social Security “trust fund,” or pay down the national debt? The sky was the limit. I think some chivalrous Southern senator proposed buying each American girl her very own pony….
It’s all so… funny, now, as we stand on the brink of a 1929-style Depression, and “choose” with a gun to our heads to spend some $700 billion to bail out the investor class; as we’re mired in occupations of two Islamic countries and threatening war with a third; as we arm to refight the Cold War against invisible Communists; as we taunt the Russians with missile bases in their backyard; and fill up NATO with unstable, trigger-happy microstates, protected by our nuclear umbrella.
Meanwhile, we’ve broken the budget micromanaging local schools, trying by hook or cooked books to ensure that all our kids score above average. Republican schemes to buy the Viagra vote have blown out Medicare, and guaranteed its bankruptcy in our lifetime. At least 1 million illegal immigrants cross our borders every year—and if Al Qaeda hasn’t up and swum the Rio Grande it’s because they don’t like our hummus. Our factories are sneaking across the border into China, while hundreds of thousands of high school dropouts come here legally every year to take the jobs we no longer create.
When I think of America’s future, I crave the opacity of dope.
Surveying the pile of rubble and pools of sewage produced in these eight years, I am left almost speechless. What possible combination of ideology and incompetence could have ruined such a great country so quickly?
I won’t call it liberalism, since it was implemented by “conservatives.” I could fall back on my paleo talking points and blame the neocons… but that’s like sitting way up in the cheap seats at Fenway Park, arguing balls and strikes with the umpire. Or haunting the L.A. bleachers wearing a faded “Brooklyn Dodgers” jersey, hoping someone will notice.
Conservatism isn’t an abstract ideology, which we can distill to molar purity, and use as an acid test to judge what conservative people think, and conservative institutions do. Alas, we can’t import a better brand from Europe and unpack it like a cheese. Conservatism in a given time and place cannot exceed the actions taken in self-defense by the saner classes and virtue-loving citizens to protect the way of life and the land they love. And what those classes and citizens in America have overwhelmingly chosen can be summed up in one unlovely letter: W. (As in “WTF.”)
Conservatives in America no longer really exist—or at least no breeding pairs remain in the wild. If some of us live behind glass in labs and zoos, that’s of some interest to ecologists, but it doesn’t fill our niche. The pests we used to consume and keep in check now all run riot, and they’ve eaten our country’s seed corn. To a kernel.
We can’t label the campaign of national ruin accomplished by Bush and his pet Democrats either conservative or liberal. To call it “neoconservative” stretches that term till it loses meaning. We might as well say that it’s “fascist.” Libertarians will mutter darkly that this is the fruit of “statism”… which sets this State apart from most other historical States exactly how? It’s fair to call America’s governing, bipartisan coalition the “Welfare/Warfare” party—except that it doesn’t explain anything. The Democrats in 1941 were a welfare/warfare party, and they proved pretty good at it. They won the war, and their welfare programs worked, at least for a while.
No, there’s something strange going on. Something kinky.
With my laymen’s knowledge of political science and abnormal psychology, I’ve come up with the answer. The ruling ideology in America isn’t liberalism. It sure isn’t conservatism. In fact, it’s sadomasochism.
Like frat boys who found to their surprise they enjoyed their brutal hazing, Americans have taken for our battle cry, “Thank you sir—may I have another?” We’ve decided to prove how tough our country is, how infallible and invulnerable, by employing elites who are expert in the art of national torture. Critics who cited the risky nature of our kink we dismissed as defeatists, puritans, prudes.
We have found our dominatrixes in the form of leggy, castrating blondes like the leathery Anne Coulter, or dowdy schoolmarms like Hillary who are simply fantastic with a paddle. (Remember when Coulter “endorsed” Sen. Clinton over McCain, because the former was “better on torture”?) We’ve embraced that creepy postmodern fetish, “financial domination,” and are begging the barons of Wall Street to blackmail and bankrupt us. It’s no accident that our soldiers at Abu Gharib began to manufacture that sort of porn; out there on the front lines, they knew far better than Kid Rock just Why We Fight.
And I’m fine with all of this. I’m happy to follow Mencken, who said that “Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.” The problem is that they’re not getting it hard enough. There’s something a trifle vanilla about the programs touted by our Sadomasochist parties.
To get our nation more quickly through its addiction—the sooner we “hit bottom” the sooner we can start rehab—I’d like to offer some concrete steps that will accelerate the process. These policies could be adopted by either party. (In fact, I’m a little afraid to mention them, since they very well might be; reality dogs the steps of parody nowadays, nipping at its heels.) So I propose, to the men and the women who hold the whips:
Defense: It’s not enough to provoke at once a billion Moslems and 141 million nuclear-armed Russians. We should also resurrect the anti-China rhetoric popular among neoconservatives up through Sept. 10, 2001, and renew our gestures of contempt for the countries of “Old Europe.” As a rule, we should antagonize any nation strong enough to harm us, or rich enough to help us. We’ll fawn on and flatter nations such as Georgia and Kosovo. Given them rock-solid guarantees that we’ll fight on their side against much larger neighbors. We can call this “standing up for American values.” (Although, of course, we’ll really be kneeling.)
Public service: Both parties have done a good job of providing for public service those most likely to stampede; while Democrats feed us a steady supply of ethnic and Marxist cranks, Republicans trawl through the D-list of America’s loser frats. We can count on a Democratic president standing at no more than one remove from a 1960s terrorist—and a rock-ribbed Republican handing critical jobs to his sister’s bridge-partner’s autistic cousin. But we must go further, and follow our kink wherever it leads us. We should staff the State Department with monolingual fundamentalists who have already packed their bags in case of Rapture. George Bush entrusted our emergency planning to a gent from the International Arabian Horse Association? I’ll do him one better: Let’s hire people from the American Miniature Horse Association. Spread them evenly throughout the Pentagon.
Housing: It’s quite impressive to see that we’ll soon be dunning taxpayers to the tune of $700 billion;reimbursing Chinese investors for money that golden-parachute C.E.O.s of U.S. banks lent out so unemployed folks could buy houses they couldn’t afford. And it warms my heart to know what a large role affirmative action played in spending this staggering sum. But we could do more. If Fannie Mae and Ginnie Mae are out of money, we should tap into Sallie Mae—and redirect the money currently wasted on helping middle and working class kids go to college to worthier goals… like buying a Navy helicopter for every psychiatric inpatient in America. Just for starters….
Diplomacy: It is time to break the headlock maintained by the Israel lobby on U.S. diplomacy. It’s true that Israel is hated (rightly or wrongly) by roughly 1/5 of the world’s population, and builds provocative settlements to appease a tiny, powerful minority. But Israelis aren’t short-sighted enough to serve as a suitable U.S. ally. A large plurality there favors negotiations to found a Palestinian state. This will not do. America must find a genuinely sociopathic foreign partner, with whom it shares no values or vital interests—then make that country’s priorities its own. Then we’ll really feel the pain. May I suggest Myanmar, Zimbabwe, or North Korea?
Immigration: While it’s all fine and dandy to import 2 million or so mostly uneducated foreigners into our country every year, this isn’t enough. There are whole swathes of Nashua, New Hampshire, (just for instance) where English is spoken openly. We need to double or even quadruple our immigration numbers. In fact, we should pass the constitutional amendment proposed by The Wall Street Journal: “There shall be open borders.” (I bet this would be the very last Constitutional amendment ever adopted.) If that proves to be a “hard limit,” we can at least improve on our current laws—which rightly admit people based on chance and nepotism. We’ll expand the global raffle of U.S. citizenship from 50,000 per year to 500,000, or even 5,000,000—while keeping the “diversity lottery” focused tightly on poor countries rife with terrorism. We can go beyond offering visas to adult siblings and grown-up children of recent immigrants, and give out green cards to cousins, nephews, and nieces—until in the end our family reunification program includes “ex-girlfriends,” “my amigos from the circus,” and “guys who owe my brother money.”
Taxation: We should carry on and make more consistent the Bush administration policy of collecting revenues only from those who show up five days a week and work on the books. Large-scale investors, currency speculators, foreign-based U.S. government contractors, and multinational corporations must be protected—as must black market nannies, golf caddies, private security guards and other providers of critical services.
Diversity: It’s completely “kink-friendly” to keep on offering affirmative action preferences to recent immigrants—even amnestied illegals—over every white American man, including veterans. The history texts we use in schools (even those that aren’t imported straight from Mexico) do a fine job of grinding the DWEMs’ pale faces in the dust. So does that fact that white men are the only group in America exempt from anti-discrimination laws. I’ve thought about this long and hard, but I can’t think how to make our policies in this area any more servile. Going further would seem like…edgeplay. But I’m open to suggestions from professionals. Mistress Hillary—any ideas?
Comments
Masochism is what I feel upon reading your copy! You could lose half the word count and have much better work. Start by deleting everything self-referential or, as you say, snarky.
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Excellent piece. Funny in a sad way, and all utterly true.
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Actually, what’s going on is treason in action. The pests are not running riot; they are sitting quietly behind desks in offices in government, academia, and corporations. They are carefully implementing policy decisions. They are putting their agenda into action.
Those of us on the Right must get over this idea that what is happening is the result of wildly out-of-control liberals who have suddenly taken over the asylum.
What in fact has happened is that the Left has infiltrated and now occupies just about every decision making process in the land. It will take something resembling a civil war to oust them. Yes, that’s what I said: civil war.
But of course, I suppose it’s easier for paleo-cons to sit in front of the computer every day and pen oh-so-clever screeds. As if the power elites care.
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“as we taunt the Russians with missile bases in their backyard”
Another in a long line of bizarre misrepresentations of fact by Zmirak. Stick to writing about beer, because every time you venture into foreign policy or especially defense matters, your rhetorical overreach really does get the better of you. We have put no new missile bases anywhere near Russia, and contrary to your repeated assertions, are nowhere even close to “re-arming” to fight the Cold War. This has the same hollow echo of those leftists who constantly fulminate against the rise of theocracy in an increasingly pagan and debauched society, utterly devoid of religious public authority.
ABM sites may be a good or a bad idea, and they may or may not be in some sense provocative, but describing them as “missile bases” is more than simply an error--it’s willful exaggeration. If it’s not that, then it’s shocking ignorance of the subject under discussion.
I loathe US foreign and defense policy as it has existed under this latest administration, and in it I see the seeds of our destruction. But distortions like this irk me all the more because they’re so unnecessary, and feed the perception that anyone to the right of Jonah Goldberg is an hysteric.
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Dr. Zmirak,
Your measures do not go far enough. Why rule out:
1. A tribunal to prosecute Christian “heretics” - such as the Catholic and Orthodox variety that still (tenaciously) exists
2. Mandatory inter-racial procreation to prove that “race” does not exist
3. Mandatory same-sex pairings to prove that “sex” does not exist
4. Mandatory human-toaster pairings to prove that biases toward human mates are irrational
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I forgot:
5. Mandatory language lessons from Sage to dissuade the youthful from mistakes such as believing Anti-Ballistic-Missiles are actually....well....missiles!
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Careful there, Mr. Zmirak. I have heard rumors of a movement intent to criminalize kink-bashing. You may be violating their rights to feel just as privileged as the diminishing number of non-kinks who have ruined this world for all the rest with their ideas about work, and thrift, and decency.
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This $700 billion bailout is simply a way to get at the money of all the people in this country who still have any savings. The thieves have realized that the only way to get at people’s savings is to blatantly siphon the worth out of it. So everybody who has acted prudently gets to be in the same boat with the spendthrift who is in hock up to his eyeballs. It that isn’t socialism I don’t know what is. Isn’t it great to be equal?
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Sage,
Take your meds.
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Sage, did we or did we not just conclude a deal with Poland to send them missiles? Have we or have we not continued our arms procurement at near cold-war levels (call it arming or re-arming as you will; we have been continuing to replace and upgrade the weapons systems even since the cold war ended)? Should I go around the globe on the missile issue or do you agree that one counterexample disproves a proposed general proposition ("we have put no new missile bases anywhere near Russia")?
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Once years ago in our local chess club I refered to the other members of my generation as “the supreme and stupendous shit of Human history” thus being the ‘60’s generation summed up in a nutshell. From the wailing and gnashing of teeth, I was pretty sure I’d hit the nail on the head.
The fact is, the members of this generation in America are in fact supreme moral and physical degenerates. And what are their common characteristics:
1.) Gross sexual degeneracy
2.) Extreme physical cowardice
3.) And always, the lip-smacking sadism that thread the two together.
When you understand this, you understand that ideas, beliefs, plans for the future JUST DON’T MATTER. These creatures, the sum of all human moral filthiness, cannot possible be anything other than what they are, and all things they touch will turn to evil.
And as much as I agrre with your article, you miss the degree to which cowardice is such a motivating factor in the lives of Modern Americans. And let me give (just one) example of this. When Americans go to the airport, and submit to the ministrations of some 10$\hour rent-a-pig (usually non-white) who feels up and degrades their wives, mothers, and daughters RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM, and allegedly male Americans then get down on their knees and kiss the asses of these Fascist Lice and thank them for making them “safer” this is the perfect illustration of the intersection of moral (and for that matter, racial) degeneracy and physical cowardice. And so publicly demonstrating this to the world makes America a nation damned, as it should be.
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You could lose half the word count and have much better work
Mr. Ramus. A piece by Mr.Zmirak is one of the few things of value in America and you suggest diminishing it.
That is the sort 0f S & M behavior Mr. Zmirak is opposed to.
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Dr. Zmirak,
I would be ROTFLOL...if you weren’t so dead on right!
Hopefully all the citizens who have been calling Congress (10/1)against this bailout (as requested by Paulson) will prevail.
A newscaster just said that the Democrats want the Republicans to “join hands and jump off the cliff with them.” She couldn’t have described the situation any better!
Mr. Nucci I, totally agree with you regarding the “theives.”
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Judging from some of the testy responses it appears the truth hurts. Republicans have had a strangle hold on the government since they put Bush and Cheney into office. The rank and file on the street have clapped and gloated every move. When it comes crashing down its the liberals fault.
McCain is jumping into the fray as the ignorant populist to rally the base and blame the coming depression on the Democrats. This should put him over the top and President McCain and President Palin will have a lot of ‘splaining to do next year to the mob on the Mall.
But probably not since come Wednesday, the 3rd Infantry Division will be in place and ready to mow down the serfs… citizens. Since up until now they failed to go to the Mall, they have no reason to bitch. Especially those who went down with their flags to cheer and defend the good and Godly Republican administration and Congress.
Bin Laden spent $100,000 to destroy this country. He just needed to give Bush and the Republican faithful a nudge.
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Here is another excellent example of American S + M. The Flight 93 Memorial which celebrates Islam
http://caosblog.com/category/grassroots/flight-93
If he is not celebrating Iftaar, Bush will show-up for the Memorial Unveiling.
http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2008/09/20080917-11.html
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“I crave the opacity of dope”....nice one Mr. Zmirak
As to the Michelle Malkin-esque drivel that the crescent of Maples ...or any other crescent for that matter .....at the 9/11 monument is a crypto homage to Islam....please, exactly how much dumber and patently lame-brained can we get. The crescent is not an Islamic trademark, nor, with a hammer, a soviet trademark. It is an old landscape design device that can be quite beautiful. This kind of shallow thinking is precisely what has gotten us into this moment of disaster speed-dialing.
Conservatives surrendered to idiotica under the banner of el Deeciderosa and blew a tremendous opportunity. We either pull the collective head out now or plunge it ever deeper.
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Durant wrote
“Republicans have had a strangle hold on the government since they put Bush and Cheney into office.”
Maybe you hadn’t noticed that the Democrats actually took power from congress in the last election. For good or bad they are going to take the blame for whatever they vote to do in this current crisis. Most likely McCain will again reach across the aisle and be the “maverick” that he is and vote to bail out Wall Street.
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The Democrats have a one vote majority in the Senate and are powerless and Nancy Pelosi in the House which makes them a useless pile of crap, rightfully despised by everyone in the country. Pelosi and Reid decided to ignore Bush and go along with the Republicans as a stupid ploy to give the Republicans enough room to completely hang themselves.
Now they are the Hangman with a rope winding from his neck to armpit dangling and looking stupid.
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There is a wonderful crescent of town houses in Bath England. One of the owners decided he wanted to paint his door a different color. He was immediately ordered to return it to the same harmonious match color as all the other doors. Heck of a job Brownie.
Oddly, Tory England has yet to demand the terrace be demolished to show they can’t be cowed by militant Islam. No word from Cameron if this is on the agenda.
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I like Ann Coulter. If I were single, rich, handsome, smart, and alpha-masculine, I’d ask her out to dinner.
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philoktetes. Prior to her sex change, “Ann"played the part of Eb Dawson on Green Acres
A google search of their photos confirms this
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Nice try, Not Spartacus. But “pull” is industry jargon for bringing down a building in a controlled demolition. The building would not simply fall down symetrically from a small fire on the top of one side of the building. Which means there were demolition charges already in place - and they knew it - which makes this an inside job on its face.
Now you may ask why they would “pull” the building? Well, think about those dynamite charges strategically in place all over the building. Surely when the building inspectors went in to inspect after the fire was put out, they would have been discovered.
Remember right after the plane crashed in Pennsylvania and the media immediately begain informing us that it was headed to Washington? How did they know that? Did the terrorists phone in their flight plan? No. That plane was supposed to crash into Building 7, then they’d wait the obligatory 20 minutes or so and “pull” the building, like they did with towers 1 and 2. But something went wrong with Flight 93 and there they were, buildin 7 all rigged up and no plane to crash into it. In other words, it was “pulled” to destroy the evidence of the dynamite charges in place which would have exposed the whole thing.
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The hapless Bush presided over the fall of the Twin Towers at the start of his tenure, so there is a kind of grotesque symmetry that he should end it with the fall of Wall Street. Iraq being the meat in this monstrous sandwich.
Thank you Dr Zmirak for raising a grim smile. As a person with savings I may well be ruined by Monday, so I needed a touch of levity to steady the nerves.
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Re: Ann C.
NotSpartacus. Hah! Really? Eb makes a good tranny.
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Yeah but Joe they you are saying that they intended to hit the twin towers, the Pentagon, and building 7? If not for the fact that it collapsed I wouldn’t even know about building 7. So why didn’t they rig the Pentagon to collapse as well?
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Zmirak says, “Conservatism in a given time and place cannot exceed the actions taken in self-defense by the saner classes and virtue-loving citizens to protect the way of life and the land they love.”
Interesting definition of “conservatism” which no longer exists. Neither the Republican Party nor Conservatives (of any stripe) are committed to freeing the diverse white American peoples from their bondage of discrimination and defamation, so the term lacks all meaning. Why continue this parody of labels which merely mislead and misdirect our citizens?
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Have no fear. Caribou Barbie has saved Alaskans from Arctic Arabs and disdains Sambo and the Bitch. She spoke cogently on the bailout. All the Palin lovers should rejoice.
COURIC: Why isn’t it better, Governor Palin, to spend $700 billion helping middle-class families struggling with health care, housing, gas and groceries? Allow them to spend more and put more money into the economy? Instead of helping these big financial institutions that played a role in creating this mess?
PALIN: That’s why I say, I like ever American I’m speaking with were ill about this position that we have been put in where it is the tax payers looking to bailout.
But ultimately, what the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the health care reform that is needed to help shore up the economy– Helping the — Oh, it’s got to be about job creation too. Shoring up our economy and putting it back on the right track. So health care reform and reducing taxes and reining in spending has got to accompany tax reductions and tax relief for Americas. A
And trade we’ve got to see trade as opportunity, not as a competitive scary thing. But 1 in 5 jobs being created in the trade sector today. We’ve got to look at that as more opportunity. ALl those things under the umbrella of job creation.
This bailout is a part of that.
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“PALIN: That’s why I say ...”
What?
There’s your “paleo” Palin right there. Compare that to the very cogent commentary on this mess by Chuck Baldwin in his column for today.
http://conservativetimes.org/?p=2226
Hmmmm ... I’m having a hard time deciding who to vote for. Not!
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Herr Zmirak,
Once again you have summed my thought on this matter entirely.
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McCain was so off base last week George Will said he was unhinged. This week saw McCain “suspending” his campaign, all hands on deck (odd since he hasn’t case a vote since Apr 1), admit he hadn’t read the bailout plan but dumped Letterman to urgently return to DC to save the country from it, went to Katie instead then went home and didn’t bother to save the economy until the next day, got into a fight with the White House and Congress at a photo op to show he was I assume the President and not Shrub, declared victory in tonight’s debate, and is actually supposed to show up now. What appears to be untethered sheer panic and fear is working and McCain is turning around the poll numbers. Political genius. Who would think that running a screaming Chinese fire drill of incompetent raving would appeal to the thinking man Republican.
Even the National Review has people asking questions about Palin and that was only after watching her t-ball interview with Katie Couric. They didn’t bother to question McCain’s judgment in picking the Arctic Evita. Sarah Baracuda in place the Huey the Kingfish, savior of the country.
It’s going to be interesting to see how much worse these two will make things for people. I can see the crowds outside the White House chanting Sarah Sarah already. Bush gave us the Peronist crashed economy so we can finally get the glamor.
Don’t cry for me Waa-silaaa The truth is I never left you…
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Edit: That’s supposed to be ‘Big D’
Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa
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Mr. Phillips. You are voting for the truther. I think Joe is a potential Baldwin voter too.
God luck with al of that :)
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Hey mister comic-book-writer!
What happened to the over 25 deleted comments from this thread?
Inquiring minds want to know!
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What is the explanation for deleting my comment?
BANA
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The thread seemed to the editor to have gone off in a direction unrelated to the article--namely, 9/11 revisionism. So a bunch of posts were removed. Sorry if any innocent posts got caught up in the net.
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That’s nonsense.
Threads go in different directions all the time and you know it.
I expect you’ll ban me for having the nerve to point out the obvious - you guys own the site and any comments you don’t like or can’t refute are deleted in the quiet of the night.
Nice.
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Alright, I must admit that what you wrote in the comment is a fair enough explanation. However I believe my comment concerning the sadomasochist nature of liberalism fits entirely in line with your thesis and expands it in some real life examples of what is going on in the real world. I witnessed an event yesterday attended by children, minors, and tourist, of such disgusting sadomasochist liberalism _in practice_ that I had to leave before I did something unlawful. I led a group of eight individuals in protest of this vile escapade that is condoned by our elected officials. Now it may be easy enough for you to say “well, if you don’t like it just move elsewhere” but what about the people that cant just move elsewhere? What about their voice? I believe that that the vast majority of liberals, homosexuals, and minorities, are also disgusted by events like what I witnessed that take place in San Francisco. I am happy to provide video evidence of this if so requested. But at least give the National Anarchists credit where it is due of actually doing something about this outrage on the streets rather than limiting discussion on this social catastrophe to web logs. We put our physical safety on the line yesterday to protest the Sadomasochist Nation as our statement at http://bayareanationalanarchists.com/blog/2008/09/statement-on-folsom-faire-stre.html testifies to. Video documentation is forthcoming on our youtube channel. Help us help you defeat liberalism. Even if our methodology is different from what conservatives expect our goals are in most cases in complete alignment. I can be emailed for additional details.
For revolution,
BANA
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