Cheney Converts to Islam
Keith Ellison, a Democrat from Minnesota, was sworn in as the nation’s first Muslim member of Congress in early January, but he is not the highest-ranking Muslim official in the United States. That honor belongs to Vice President Dick Cheney, who during one of his many trips to Saudi Arabia in the 1990s on behalf of Halliburton secretly converted to Wahabbi Islam, a rigorous fundamentalist version of the faith. In 1997, according to sources in Riyadh, Cheney visited the dusty provincial town of Bakh-Asward, a Wahabbi stronghold, where he realized he had found exactly what he was looking for, a religion that was grim, rancorous, authoritarian, and violent, and yet, on the other hand, insane.
Since that time, Cheney has been working tirelessly to restore the medieval Islamic empire, or caliphate, in the Middle East and has actually been toying with the idea of naming himself caliph, or at least pulling strings behind the scenes as vice caliph. The centerpiece of this secret strategy has been the carefully planned and executed war in Iraq, which has done so much to raise the prestige and power of jihadists in that country and elsewhere. That’s why Jihadtime magazine, a weekly published out of a cave somewhere between the lawless Pakistani border region of North Waziristan and the lawless Afghan border region of South Wazooistan, sent Cheney a copy of its year-end issue with a mirror on the cover, which proclaimed that “Our annual ‘Person of the Year’ is you--yes, you, along with all the other neo-armchair warriors out there who have done so much for our cause.”
Cheney has kept his faith a private matter, choosing not to reveal it to President Bush, a sincere Christian who has vowed to read the entire Bible someday, just as soon as he finishes My Pet Goat. But it has led to considerable tension in the Cheney household, where the devout veep unrolls a prayer rug and prays five times a day facing toward an oil well just outside Mecca. In particular, his conversion to Wahabbi Islam has led to bitter arguments with his daughter Mary, who converted to an entirely different sect, Wasabi Islam, while having dinner at a fusion sushi and shish-kebab restaurant in Georgetown last month with her partner Heather Poe. The heated exchanges between father and daughter have been further complicated by the fact that Cheney’s wife, Lynne, is a devotee of the ancient Egyptian snake goddess Irma.
Cheney’s strict adherence to militant Islam has also caused problems with his fellow neoconservatives, most of whom are equally devout, but adhere to a rival sect, militant Bedlam.
Eric Kenning is the pen name of a writer in New York. He can be reached at . This piece originally appeared in the journal Liberty.
Comments
I haven’t laughed this much over a blog post in a very long time. Well done. Brilliant!
But is it true??
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There is a major stumbling block, Cheney could never give up pork chops.
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Absolutely brilliant satire.
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Embassy of South Wazooistan
Washington, D.C.
Sir:
You are entirely mistaken. There is no terrorist activity in South Wazooistan, on the South Wazooistan borders, or around South Wazooistan.
However, because your highly offensive and falsified report might endanger the $500 million that South Wazooistan receives each year to prevent terrorist activity in South Wazooistan, on the South Wazooistan borders, or around South Wazooistan, we are forced to hire Richer Perle, at the steep (but ultimately cheap) price of twelve million dollars a year, to represent us in Washington.
There he will be able to dispel these cheap and tawdry lies, at the rate of a million a month. (Remember, we get $500 million a year. A hearty thank-you to your American taxpayer readers).
Thank you for correcting the record on your glob.
That is South Wazooistani for “blog.”
Truly yours
Upyur Wazoo
Ambassador For Life (and then some)
Embassy of South Wazooistan
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And all the while I thought Cardinal Dickelieu was Catholic.
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I like the sarcasm....I hope cheney hasn’t converted..
Till the early 1900, the islamic “autocrats” ruled the world in one
name or other. “ Abbasiyd/ Ottoman etc..” . Did they pillage as is
being done today is something worth pondering....The last 100 years
have seen so much suffering that we start thinking if its better to
live under those “islamic autocrats"…
Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.....
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The best satire has the ring of truth.
If Cheney, Bush et al had wanted to destroy the USA with their domestic policies and energize the terrorist threat against it with their foreign policies, what would they have done differently?
This must have been the intent all along, it just isn’t possible to completely fail 100% of the time and achieve 100% the opposite of what you stated you were trying to achieve…
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Stop Press!
The Muslim Brotherhood has just impeached the Veep for his charade.
The Christian sisterhood has refused to accept him back declaring him a heretic.
Currently he is hanging-out with few bosom pals in Jerusalem awaiting the expected revival of shoron!
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I thought this was funny.
I called Amin yesterday who will go trough going through through another procedure in Hospital
today.
Have a nice day
Love to all
Sherif
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Christianity and Islam are two branches on the tree of Abraham in spite of periodic “good” intentions to humanize it. To jump from one to the other is like walking from one room to the other. The main thing is not to forget the kind of hateful suspicion that holds this “family” of three (four?) together.
I’m sure ol’ Cheney has no problem with that.
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I thought it was funny, but then I found myself offended by the hateful words about the people (wzoo istan) and their religion.
I am not sure, what the author wants to establish here? More barbaric acts of war against these people or sympathy? I thought it was the former.
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I’m curious- what does Wahhabite Islam in particular( not to mention
Islam in general) teach about lesbianism and same sex relations-as
between Mary Cheney-now reportedly pregnant- and her “partner”?
Perhaps “Lon” and Lynne Cheney might care to explain to us “kuffars”
("infidels" in Islamic parlance). Or maybe Mr and Mrs Cheney believe
that their respective faiths are a private matter( Full disclosure: I was deeply surprised
was deeply surprised to discover that “Frasier” funny man Kelsey
Grammer and my favourite film star Drew Barrymore were both raised
Catholic!)
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Absolutely brilliant. Sarcastic, yet true.
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I bout rolled on the floor and went into an epileptic fit about this one. So much would it explain. Cheers!
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What an article! I’m sure Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert,
both commentators and show hosts on Comedy Central, would
have a field day with this piece on Dick Cheney - if, only
this were true. However, this does make good satire, anyway.
Stick it to the Veep, and the rest of the cabal, whenever
you can.
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Well the Prince of Darkness Cheney and the Prince of Dawn Bandar “which is the dare Devil” The minions have converted from Evangelism to Wahabism from one extreme to another - if the 3rd Corporate Capitalism God help us all! They seem to be well on their way.
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I JOINT TO YOU
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Many Muslim clerics are angry about the Cheney - Bin Laden conspiracy! It is being reported these two have been conspiring to produce “halal whisky” for the Arabian market for quick bucks. It is also reported President Musharraf has given his discretely silent blessing for the project.
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I wonder if somone posted a piece about President Bush converting to a extremist sect of Judaism and saying he was praying at the Wall… facing Wall Street, how many of you would call it anti-Semetic?
Jews are well represented in the mainstream media, so if anything anti-Semetic appears, at least they have an opportunity to respond and refute it. But how many Muslims have a chance to respond to and refute anything anti-Islamic in the mainstream media?
Eric Kenning’s column is a reflection of the political left, religious moderates and libertarian point of view, on the war on terror. They like to blame U.S. foreign policy on fundamentalist Christianity and Islam. But all of us egardless of religious and political beliefs are responsible for what our government has done.
During the Vietnam War, the U.S. is responsible for the deaths of 3 to 5 million and people on the left don’t even acknowldge these deaths. Blaming everything on religion is an easy way out for those who live in democracies, but have done nothing to change their governments’ policies.
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I have a better article, go to
http://english.islamway.com/
and find the truth
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When all is said and done, the doctrine of democracy is bound to fail in the same way as fascism, communism and feudalism. The solution to better governance lies in the separation of religion, politics and big business from the management of public affairs. Democracy has more to do with money and personalities, rather than be a reflection of people’s aspirations. Results of ballot boxes essentially benefit an elitist majority with imperial ambitions of power,greed and self aggrandizement.
Democracy has little to do with life,liberty and the pursuit of happiness for all; a common goal shared by all members of humanity.
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