Why I Kissed a G-Man
I kissed a top FBI agent flush in the mouth while in my cups at Elaine’s last week, and lived to write about it. And it was a stolen kiss, at that. They’re the best kind, now that I’m old enough to see how corny is a prelude to a kiss at my age. I was on my way to the loo when I saw Elaine, the proprietor, talking to the agent. I was introduced and I used a variation of the old Mae West joke, “Is that a gun you’re carrying, or do you like my girlfriend?” Then I grabbed the G-man and kissed her.
The special agent (whose name was “Anne") was startled, but did not reach for her gun. Instead, she asked me to sit down and we had a bottle of wine together. Elaine thought we should get married, but even drunk, the Taki rules took effect: When under the influence, take three off. If she’s a ten, in reality she’s a seven. The agent was at best a six or five, so after subtracting three I was left with little to play with.
Never mind. Rules are made to be broken and all that, and I was rather thrilled to kiss a lady who arrests and shoots people for a living. It beats going out with a hedge fund manager. I once dated a CIA agent in Athens, back in the days when CIA agents were very unpopular in the birthplace of electrolysis. She was very scared --it was 1975—and she was having problems with her husband to boot. I had returned from the Yom Kippur War and had met her at the house of my friend Karolos Fix. During the party I had mixed with some Soviet diplomats and we had discussed the Law wire-guided anti-tank missiles which the Egyptians had used with great success against Israeli tanks. One night, after my CIA gal had finished having a nervous breakdown—every time a car would pass my cabana by the beach at Vouliagmeni she was certain the bad guys were about to get her—she accused me of being the finger man against her. “I saw you talking to those commies.... have you told them where I live? You bastard!”
It was Graham Greene time, end of the affair. I should have known better. Secret services are not condusive to secret affairs. Too much distrust and paranoia. There were more misfits coming out of Langley than there are
untalented logo creators at Wolff-Olins. Mind you, women are supposed to make great spies, but in reality only in order to entrap men. The KGB always used hairy men to entrap British diplomats for the obvious reasons. They used women for the rest. The CIA should have been using my ex-gal as a honeytrap, the way Mossad does when they want to catch an Ayrab. Instead, they had her trying to recruit Greeks, leaving her in an extremely vulnerable position.
Incidentally, her marriage went down swanee, and she’s now living in retirement somewhere in the good old US of A. Actually I took over her duties for six short months and recruited just one man, a Russian exile. All my Greek friends, starting with my closest, publisher John Bastias, got up and walked away the moment I began my spiel. No one, and I mean no one, wanted to know, except for the Russkie who was broke and had been dropped by his rich Greek girlfriend. He, too, survives, and is retired somewhere in polluted Athens.
And speaking of law enforcement, I thought the inmates of the El Lay lock-up deserved better than getting the ghastly Paris Hilton back in their midst. Her recall to pay her debt to society turned into a Californian media circus not seen since the OJ Simpson absurdity. The hacks and paparazzi were running after the vehicle taking her to jail as if it were the last transport out of Saigon back in April of 75. What absolute rubbish our culture has become.
Fifteen years ago we had Princess Diana manipulating the press and planting stories. But she had something to plant, however one sided. But by letting the genie out of the bottle, making that Faustian pact with Murdoch’s minions, she was pursued to her death by those very hacks she thought she was manipulating. This is not the case with la Hilton. With her, it was go from the very minute her white trash parents began to exhibit her in New York nightclubs. Her vulgarity and crassness aside, Paris is butt ugly, tout court. She has neither charm nor looks, lives in a drug and alcohol-induced haze and disguises her emptiness with impudence and nudity. The media love it. Murdoch millions await her.
And as this is all about the law, for once I have been proved right about my friend Claus von Bulow. A new book, Insulin Murders by professor Vincent Marks and Caroline Richmond, totally and completely exonorates
him, as the courts had already done. Claus’s case has been milked by the media—so what else is new? This book proves and establishes that the unlucky Sunny von Bulow had not a scintilla of insulin in her system when she died, and then enumerates the innocent causes for her coma. It was a tragedy, would have been a double one had an innocent man been convicted for it.
Comments
The latest is that la Hilton has asked the media to please get serious and go on to something worthwhile. Good for her. Perhaps she’s growing up.
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Is not a kiss - un asked for and without formal consent a dreadful crimet - a dreadful crime these days ?
As for ‘attractive’ - I think all that money looks lovely.
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Taki
You’re drifting. how do you go from CIA agent to a FBI agent to Hilton.
You need a well deserved rest, buddy
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Dear Taki,
You are always riviting, no matter the subject. Thank you.
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Taki,
I still recall your arrival at the private school in
Tarrytown.Your publishing efforts are amusing and with
insight. You mentioned John Bastias, whom I also
recall. We met some years ago in Athens upon return
from a consulting job in Singapore and Indonesia.
Can you relate what the status is of others who attended
the school? Michael Babunakis
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This book proves and establishes that the unlucky Sunny von Bulow had not a scintilla of insulin in her system when she died,
Sunny is still alive.
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Paris may be butt ugly when “unprepared” but to
what do we attribute that photo? Your drifting
or her white-trash magnetism or plain, old
marketing? With a bottle of wine, old boy, I bet
you might even find Paris not all that bad and
you may even live to write about it. She would be
an excellent source for information on the young,
elite, and degenerate. Who knows what positions of
power these idiots will some day hold?
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Taki,
I wonder why half of the people writing the comments can’t bloody spell corectly....hope you are well.
Cheever
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Dear Taki:
You are absolutely right about Paris. An artichoke is a thing of beauty and taste. Paris Hilton is butt ugly.
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The above photo of P. Hilton reminds me of the Lil’ Abner cartoon character, “Moonbeam McSwine”, who preferred the company of pigs to men. But Moonbeam McSwine had a better figure and more decorum. Here she is:
http://dreamers.com/maestrosdelcomic/assets/images/Abner7Thumb.jpg
And to paraphrase an old joke about lawyers, “What did the cockroach think when he saw a pig talking to a Murdoch journalist? He lost all respect for the pig.”
They don’t make American cartoonists like Al Capp anymore. If he were with us today, just imagine what a field day he’d have caricaturing Barak Obama and Rudy Giuliani. Capp would probably invent a story about Obama miscegenating with a Schmoo (for you youngsters, a Schmoo was a magical creature who gave you whatever you wished for - Capp’s satire of socialism) and then Rudy Giuliani in an SS uniform ordering all the residents of Dogpatch deported for violations of speech codes…
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HI TAKI, SOMEOME SENT ME THIS E MAIL. VERY GOOD- LET’S HEAR HOW CONRAD IS DOING.
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After seeing a recent photo of Taki, I can’t help but wonder how many
drinks a woman would have to toss back to get him to within an acceptable range.
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Hankest,
And I can’t help but wonder what your sexual orientation is, Sir/Madam. In my experience, the only creatures who talk about a man’s looks being “acceptable” are the most pathetic subspecies of gay men, or else their butch-lesbian fag-hag cohorts.
And I’m 100 percent certain that all REAL men, including those who happen to be gay - like Oscar Wilde, or Julius Caesar on one of his sexually confused days - would agree with me on that.
I’m no great fan of gays, but being gay can be socially acceptable, as long as you’re not a catty little bitch, as you evidently are.
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PS to clarify my above comment:
If you ask, “what’s the difference between Taki insulting Paris Hilton’s looks, versus the pseudonymous commenter ‘Hankest’ insulting Taki’s looks?”
The answer is: Taki is a real Human Being with real talent, and he has never broadcast videos or pictures of himself having sex, and never become a porn-star like Hilton. Taki’s career and his prestige isn’t based on his looks. (And neither should Paris Hilton’s be, because she really IS an ugly skank.) So it’s fair game for Taki, a man of words, a man of real talent, to run down Paris Hilton for turning herself into a pornographic object, and an UGLY object to boot.
But Taki has never based his career on his looks, as Hilton has done. So it’s fair game for Taki to bash P Hilton for her looks. But it’s NOT fair game for anyone to attack Taki in the same way.
Mr/Ms “Hankfest” of the anonymous pseudonym, you can just talk to my favourite parrot, here:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=vTXQnt0qOv4
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From whence came this latest tendency in polemics to label or libel as “gay” anyone one disagrees with? Or to “wonder” about their “sexual orientation”? Unless you are seriously considering someone as a possible sex partner (and this should happen only very rarely), what difference should their sexual orientation make to you?
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tina fey said it the best on Stern “She’s so stupid and she’s so proud of how stupid she is. and she looks like a tranny up close
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Actually, i was refering to Taki’s comment on some innocent FBI agent’s looks, not (who Taki deemed childishly a sub six.) I think it funny that a rather unnattractive and quite old man is rating an accomplished and no doubt younger women strictly on her looks. If finding that rich makes me gay, well get me to Chelsea.
And anyone who thinks women do not care about looks. even if the guy is “as accomplished as Taki is beyond delusional.
Carry on.
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to clarify anyone who would write this:
“In my experience, the only creatures who talk about a man’s looks being ‘acceptable’ are the most pathetic subspecies of gay men, or else their butch-lesbian fag-hag cohorts.”
Clearly has very little experience or has been lied to all his life.
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Hankest, I will defer to you, Judo-style:
obviously you have had more experience with people who talk about men’s looks than I have had.
And that makes you even more ridiculous.
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Yes, i may have more exp with people who talk about men’s looks. those people are called women.
John Ball, you’re all right, fella, all right.
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Geez. Taki criticizing Paris Hilton for using drugs when he served time in a British Prison for cocaine possession. Well Taki did say he loves hypocrisy.
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Taki
As a first time commentator I hate to come across as a know-it-all but it was the AT-3 Sagger that the Egyptians were using not the LAW. Any way, love your stuff and get keep up the good work!
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I don’t really know who am i… Because.. I live with my friends… And sometimes i fell like i’m not a normal person… it’s like.. I feel that i’m gay… huh…
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This is dumb i didn’t read it but u have a pic of Paris Hilton on there so it has to be stupid......she is a stupid skinny anrect slut who deseves to be in jail!!!!!
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