June 14, 2013
Johnny Buffalo McInnes
6. WE WON”T LET THEM WATCH TV
Pushing the “on” button on the TV is like pushing the “off” button on your kids. They just sit there like zombies. If you worked in a zoo and the howler monkeys had a magic button that shut them off, how could you resist pushing it? You love the monkeys and you think they”re cute, but when they”re really going bananas and you have to make an important phone call, that button becomes as irresistible as the “Get me a drink” button they have on airplanes.
7. NO LOGOS ON THE TABLE
Eating dinner with the family is a very important ritual that should not be sullied by corny logos on milk cartons and juice containers. So all beverages will be served from jugs and the butter will be unwrapped and placed in a small glass dish. The problem is that getting children to sit at a table and eat anything takes up more than all of your energy, so defining the design aesthetic for what’s actually on the table is about as high on your priority list as what underwear you”re going to wear.
8. I”M STILL GOING TO PARTY
After my first child was born, I continued to have parties at the house. My wife and I would wake up at 6AM the next day wondering what the hell we were thinking and then forget about it six months later and throw another party. One night during a break-dancing competition, a beer smashed on the kitchen floor. I thought I cleaned up all the shards, but my crawling infant daughter found one with her hand the next day. Since then, the only parties we have here involve piñatas and cake and “Happy Birthday” sung by very short people who don”t know the words.
9. I”M STILL GOING TO SMOKE POT
We stopped having people over, but what’s the matter with a small joint after the kids go to bed? It might make all these terrible TV shows kind of interesting. This seems like a fairly safe idea until you try it. You”re on call 24 hours a day when you have kids, and that means it’s fairly negligent to get yourself into a state of mind where you were worried about satellites but then you forgot and now you keep saying, “Wait, what was I talking about?”
10. NO PRINCESS OR SUPERHERO SHIT
I”m Canadian and I grew up with old French cartoons such as Barbapapa, so my kids should do the same. They don”t need all the corporate crap and merchandising that Disney shoves down their throats. Then I took the kids to see Toy Story and my son’s head blew off. Soon after, I got him Woody and the guy who was on that giant screen was now his best friend. To deny him this fun would make me feel like the guy who made Beethoven deaf.
Same goes for my daughter. I avoided all the princess stuff until she went to her friend Cassidy’s house and saw a huge trunk full of princess dresses. She convinced me to buy her a pile of princess costumes of her own, and I haven”t seen her since. I think she’s in her room.
