The Untold Story

10 Things I Like About White Guys

March 02, 2017

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(7) WE LIKE THE CLASSICS
We revere old, established brands like Pendleton, Woolrich, Filson, and Red Wing. The classic Champion T-shirt and white Chuck Taylors are like fine silk to us. Ray-Bans make us think of early rock & roll and NASA and we wear them with pride. Designer brands are for stupid people with no allegiance to their culture. We respect old companies like Levi’s because they remind us of hardworking American businesses that were American when America began.

(8) WE DON”€™T WHINE
Pepperdine University just took down their Christopher Columbus statue because the colonizing he did 500 years ago doesn”€™t meet 2017’s standards. White men aren”€™t like that. When we want to jump off a cliff into a lake we scream, “€œGeronimo!”€ because it means bravery. That Apache warrior slaughtered at least 5,000 white men, women, and children. We respect him for it and see him as a worthy adversary.

The same goes for slavery. Jim Goad has made the argument that there were at least as many white slaves in America as black slaves. The term “€œkidnap”€ comes from the thousands of Irish and British children who were shipped over here. Yes, many were house servants, but that’s because the ones picking cotton got sunburned to death. You don”€™t hear white men talking about white slavery, ever (and no, America was not built on slavery”€”the balance sheet was zero after the Civil War so we started from scratch). White men don”€™t talk about the potato famine that killed a million of them, either. America lost over a million men to the Civil War and the two world wars. They had no say in the matter, but we don”€™t cry about it. We sing, “€œWhat a hell of a way to die.”€

(9) WE LOVE TO WORK
Where women seem content with just sitting on a beach and baking in the sun like some leftover chicken nuggets in the toaster oven, men need to find something to do. We will go build a sand castle or take our daughter for a walk to collect seashells. Even when we piss, we need to do something. If we”€™re not blasting off some other guy’s shit particles we”€™re seeing how much ice we can melt or what we can write in the snow. To avoid sprinkles when we tinkle, a white man in Amsterdam put life-size stickers of flies in the urinals. Men become fixated on blasting the picture and no splashes go anywhere else. We”€™re always up to something. Why, I”€™m typing out an article right now (my wife is watching Real Housewives).

(10) WE”€™RE HANDSHAKE GUYS
I don”€™t have any contracts with anyone right now. I have handshake deals with Anthony Cumia, Ezra Levant, and Taki Theodoracopulos. If I had to leave any of these jobs to do something else, I would sit down with my boss and explain the basic mathematics of why I am considering another offer. “€œIf it makes dollars, it makes sense”€ is the way we tend to operate. When you stray from this, you get lawsuits for sexual harassment because someone didn”€™t like a joke in the lunchroom or someone else simply can”€™t get over the fact that they were fired. White men occasionally behave like this too but it’s usually because they didn”€™t grow up with a father.

White men are inseparable from Christianity and we”€™re both misunderstood. While we may have been behind much of the bad in the world, we”€™re also behind the vast majority of the good. That’s what happens when you create the modern world.

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