September 01, 2016



Source: Wikimedia Commons

Needless to say”€”and we”€™ve all seen Four Weddings and a Funeral“€”everyone has their pet hates, and I can”€™t wait to see people wince when some toastmaster bellows in unposh English, “€œWill everyone be upstanding for the bride and groom?!”€ Mind you, there will be plenty of opportunities for those of impeccable credentials to die a little, as when some of the Matthews-Middleton relatives have a drink too many and let go. Pippa has an uncle, Gary Goldsmith, who endured a tabloid sting in his Spanish villa, where a large stash of cocaine was discovered. The villa’s name was Bang-Bang. Matthews”€™ younger brother is a toe-curling embarrassment because he’s a regular on a reality program. I can see the steam rising from Prince Philip’s ears.

No best man has been as yet named, and as we all know, the best man’s speech following the ceremony is an English tradition like Trooping the Color. I have attended many weddings in the English countryside in my long life, and the best man’s speech is more often than not in very bad taste. So much so that once in Italy I had to get up on the stage and warn the best man to stop or else. The Italian parents were not happy to hear about their daughter’s extreme promiscuity, but thank God their English was poor and I managed to dissuade them. For some strange reason I don”€™t think this will happen at Pippa’s wedding.

What a celebrity wedding does is add to the gaiety of a nation, especially for the middle classes, who sniff out every signifier of social standing. The truly upper classes do not give a damn, and the lower classes ditto. What is certain is that the wedding will be sold to Hello! or some other rubbish magazine, and the happy couple will leave on their honeymoon secure that their bank account will have improved by close to a million pounds. Not a bad deal when you think of it.


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