August 05, 2011
Liberace
VACATIONING
• Stay in your ethnic region. There is nothing more ludicrous than seeing thick-set, peasant-like Russians shopping in St. Moritz or Sardinia. WASPs should stay in Newport and Russkis in Crimea.
• If you must leave your country, don’t wear a fanny pack and rubber sandals. Remember, when in Rome…
FOOD AND WINE
• Don’t eat food out of season. According to my brother, eating oysters in July and August is like eating pussy after it has been on a 100-mile bike ride.
• There is nothing that guarantees inclusion to the world’s most disgusting people like drinking expensive wine and champagne when it isn’t a special occasion.
FOREIGNERS
• When referring to Hellenes never call them “Grecians” like Dubya did; they’re called “Greeks,” dimwit.
• Never leer, unless you are a rich Saudi or Pakistani and are therefore genetically incapable of controlling it.
• If you’ve grown up in the desert and you’ve never seen a modern bathroom before, don’t drop one behind the curtain. That’s a big no-no over here.
• When an obese member of an ethnic minority begs for food, respond by suggesting they could do with a diet.
• If you see a large contingent of blue-suited Chinamen near the UN in Manhattan, don’t hand them your laundry.
SINE QUA NON
• Stay in your ethnic area.
• A lady or a gentleman never raises his or her voice unless there is a fire in a crowded movie theater. And even if there is, he or she always screams politely.
• If your mother’s rich and no one knows who your father is, don’t use your mother’s last name like Amanda Hearst, Brandon Davis, or Paris Latsis. If you must change your name, downgrade.
• Always be extremely gracious toward people less fortunate than yourself; you’ll be on your way down soon enough.
• Don’t use the “F” word unless you are begging for one.
• Never floss in public.
• Never treat a woman like anything but a lady.
• Never use the word “partner” unless you are planning to rob a bank.
• Don’t carry a gun unless you are a professional athlete in the NFL or NBA.
• If you want a pet, get a homeless Indian from the subcontinent. Don’t buy a pit bull; you might lose a boob one day.
• No matter how ripped you are, no one wants to see your hirsute body at the table. Wear a shirt for lunch even if you’re on the beach.
• American women: STOP walking around with a bottle of water in your hand or a cup from Starbucks! You’re killing the white race.
• Muscles are medium class. Body building is O-U-T.
• No PDA, unless you are a fused lesbian.
• Finally, if you have to leave, don’t go until you come back.
