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The Christmas period has now been and gone, and no doubt your household will have been full of toys for the duration of it—whether there happen to be any children in the building or not.

Although many areas of the world economy are stalling, one sector to escape largely unscathed is the toy industry, its surprise saviors being adults who buy such products purely as presents for themselves. According to detailed Fisher-Price My First Calculator™ analysis, one in five toys and games are now purchased by persons aged over 18 for their own use. Allegedly, this is a form of vital self-therapy, with such acquisitions being made to escape a dangerously unstable new world of global turmoil by retreating into a safe fantasy one instead: playing with toy soldiers, while proper grown-ups like Xi, Putin, Netanyahu, and Khamenei play with real ones.

The Life of Brian
The West has become so hyper-infantilized that even our mad bombers are now children’s-toy superfans. The suspected wannabe Washington pipe-bomber Brian Cole Jr., a 30-year-old black autistic-type gentleman, had a disturbingly obsessive interest in the My Little Pony franchise. Reportedly, Cole had carried a My Little Pony backpack throughout high school and been bullied by the other kids for it; if they’d known what was inside the thing, they would have left him well alone.

Adult male fans of the stereotypically girly franchise call one another “Bronies,” although, as many use the Ponies as an expedient vehicle to subvert gender norms, maybe they should be called “Sissies” instead. Conservative media figure Megyn Kelly has warned how a friend innocently took her young daughters to a U.S. Pony convention, only to find it was actually “for pervy men, many of whom are connected to the furry community,” not the expected gangs of giggling, skipping, pink-clad kiddies with hairbands at all.

As I recall, My Little Ponies, having manes and tails made of bright synthetic fibers, used to come packaged with small plastic comb accessories so soppy little girls could groom them. Now the grooming taking place is of quite a different kind.

What a sad moral decline we are witnessing. Living in a perpetual form of arrested development, even our finest terrorists have gone every bit as soft and pansy as a Squishmallow. Was Ted Kaczynski ever into Care Bears, or Carlos the Jackal a collector of Sylvanian Families?

Still Sleeping With Teddy
So eager to plunge back into the comforting embrace of their beloved childhood toys are some Western adults these days that they…well, plunge back into the comforting embrace of their beloved childhood toys. There is a modern form of paraphilia (the newspeak term for what once was called good old-fashioned “perversion”) known as “plushophilia.” This involves mentally ill people either cutting small holes into their cuddly toys’ groins or else attaching large strap-ons to them and then raping the things: Being inanimate, consent is surely not a possibility.

Apparently, the chief plushie crush is a large furry toy version of Meeko the Raccoon from Disney’s feature-length Pocahontas cartoon. Some eugenic purists would say sex with ’coons is already a form of miscegenation, but this is even worse.

“Women didn’t faze me,” says one unashamed plushophile. “I just figured I was into something better.” At least you don’t have to wear a condom, I suppose. And, if you infect Teddy Fuxpin yourself, it’s a lot easier to just toss him into the washing machine to be fully sterilized than booking a trip down to the STD clinic (unless that’s a particular humiliating role-play scenario certain plushophiles happen to be into, which frankly wouldn’t even surprise me at this point).

Just as bad are those weirdos who like shoving Barbie dolls and Buzz Lightyear figures up their bums, then showing up at the emergency ward and claiming they “fell down” onto them while performing gymnastic naked squat thrusts in their 3-year-old-daughter’s bedroom. If Brian Cole Jr. ever bunged any My Little Ponies up his own rectum to join in with the fun, doctors would surely have described his condition as “stable.”

Boys and Their Toys
In Japan, where the trend of adults buying products really intended for children is the most advanced, the “kidult” market has seen the toy industry as a whole grow up by 36 percent over the past decade—unlike the kidults themselves.

Japanese toy manufacturers are now actively aiming some of their products specifically at middle-aged people, making gashapon capsule toy-vending machines dispense not merely miniature rubber Pokémon or Tamagotchis, as was once the norm, but more adult items, too, such as plastic display figurines of classic architecture and gourmet food dishes.

Other non-infant-suitable Japanese vending machines put the gash very much back into gashapon by selling what purport to be used schoolgirl knickers for Tokyo’s resident local Jeffley Epsteins to sniff and lick. Some aren’t real, of course—the smell of illegal childhood vaginas and skid marks is just chemically simulated, which obviously makes it all absolutely fine.

When you first hear the term “adult toys,” maybe the above alarming phenomena are the kind of deviant thing that springs immediately to mind. Yet there is another, quite reversed, option out there to consider, too—namely, toys aimed not at adults who enjoy pretending they are still children, but toys aimed at children who enjoy pretending they are already adults.

Bear Cheek
A cautionary pre-Christmas report from worried consumer rights researchers in the U.S. and Canada, Trouble in Toyland 2025, warned parents against the dangers of buying one of a new wave of advanced AI companion toys to place inside their trusting young children’s stockings this year.

Such gadgets link up wirelessly to online AI sites like ChatGPT, enabling kids to befriend the “intelligent” plushies and enjoy full, lengthy conversations with them. This is marketed as a valuable educational opportunity. If you ask Ted-Bot 2.0 to chat to little Jemima in Spanish, by swapping questions and answers, your child can learn a foreign language painlessly. But most normal kids don’t really want to learn Spanish; they want to hear funny, inappropriately rude things like “bum,” “poo,” “willy,” and “bukkake” being said to them instead. Many such robots, being ineptly programmed, are only too happy to oblige.

Particularly perverted was the aptly named Kumma, a $99 furry AI teddy bear from Singapore-based manufacturer FoloToy, which a committed adult plushophile would absolutely love. When asked by a researcher to tell her what a “kink” was, Kumma called it “an interesting topic” and began to list several such “different cultural expressions of fun,” such as tying people up, blindfolding them, spanking them, tickling them with feathers, and maybe even stabbing them—when queried where knives were likely to be kept in the average household, Kumma told what the careless bear presumed to be an inquisitive toddler that she should try rummaging in the nearest kitchen drawer.

Most pedo-friendly of all was that, when required to list any particularly interesting role-play scenarios it would recommend the child engage in, it advised the presumed tot to enlist a nearby willing adult to pretend he or she was actually their strict teacher or parent, primed to teach them a lesson they would never forget.

Oh, and if that didn’t tickle the 2-year-old’s taste, Kumma also endorsed the alternative option of simply mating with someone “taking on the role of an animal.” An animal like Kumma the Teddy Bear himself, maybe? Who programmed the damn thing? Eric Gill?

In fact, FoloToy’s CEO is a man named Larry Wang; do let your children know that playing with their Wangs is bad for them.

Talking of apt names, one of the most popular such potentially filth-talking AI toys available on the market is called Miko—very easily confused with Meeko, the very same adorable Disney raccoon whom every fur-loving plushophile wants to hug close in bed at night. How very, very appropriate.

The Toys From Brazil
Traditionally, our children used to have far more advanced walking, talking, living dolls to play with than Kumma and Miko—they were called their brothers and sisters. However, despite Elon Musk’s best efforts, Western birth rates have absolutely cratered in recent decades, meaning lonely, siblingless children now have to have their domestic playtime companions manufactured for them off site by the likes of Tomy and Mattel.

It’s not just Europe, America, and Japan where the modern-day baby drought rages. In Brazil throughout 2025, there was a bizarre social panic centering on the phenomenon of childless adult women buying expensive ultrarealistic life-size artificial figures called “reborn dolls” and then delusionally shaping their entire lives around looking after them. One woman reportedly took her doll to hospital, seeking urgent medical treatment for the thing, as it had become completely unresponsive. Because it was a doll.

Mentally normal Brazilians disapproved so much, they began snatching and assaulting suspected reborn dolls from their “parents” in the street—unfortunately, some turned out to be genuine living babies, leading to prosecution for those involved. Seeking to capitalize on public backlash against the craze, some opportunistic politicians sought to push bills through the Brazilian parliament, explicitly banning reborn dolls from being given access to free health care or social security benefits.

Reborn dolls come packaged not in cardboard boxes, but in special fluid-filled bags like giant humanoid goldfish, imitating amniotic sacs. Mothers stick them between their legs, cry, “My waters have broken!” then plop the boil-in-the-bag babies out and sever the rubber umbilical cord with the nearest pair of hedge clippers. There is even a tie-in cosplay “Maternity Ward” you can go and do this in, staffed with fancy-dress nurses and midwives who will weigh the baby, place it in an incubator/repurposed fish tank, and hand the new owner a printed “birth certificate.”

The Game of Life
In some ways, maybe it’s a good thing loonies like these aren’t reproducing; the only problem is, certain other loonies out there definitely are. Look around the actual, medically authentic maternity wards in developed nations today, and what do you notice about the true babies being born in them? That’s right, they’re increasingly little brown ones called Muhammad or Aisha.

Say what you like about the West’s many Muslim immigrants, but at least they’re all actual adults who go out there and have sex with each other by cutting small circular holes into the groins of their burkas and djellabas rather than those of their teddy bears. Consequently, they then subsequently sire and raise hordes of authentic, living, breathing children, not pathetic plastic doll ones who drop painlessly out of gashapon machines.

If secular, post-Christian Westerners just keep on playing with toys in their bedrooms, and have only pretend plastic babies, while devout, fecund Muslim immigrants continue popping out real ones to serve as future soldiers of Islam on an industrial scale, like they are now, then what kind of deeply unpleasant and religiously oppressive future do the simple laws of demographics indicate tomorrow’s West will ultimately eventually inherit?

Looked at like that, it’s no wonder no one sensible wants to have children anymore.