December 11, 2015

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Gays have heavily influenced the price of men’s clothing and it’s hard to find a tie in New York under $100. If you go to, however, every tie there is around $20. Their socks are also cheap, running under $10. I highly recommend fagging out when it comes to socks. This is your place to shine. Pink, electric blue, and even ones with a guy mowing his lawn show that you”€™re funny and capable at the same time. Mixing your tie with your socks is another place to get gay but make sure you never combine red and pink. They look terrible together. There was a rumor that “€œblue and green should never be seen”€ but it’s been disproven.

Pocket squares are also available at the Tie Bar and I get mine from Michelsons, but the bill is mounting here and I understand cheapskates wanting to tap out around now. Here’s a tip I still use regularly: You can make a perfectly good white pocket square using toilet paper. The friction grips your pocket nicely and if you ensure only a slim line is showing, nobody will notice. Do not use paper towels for this. I tried it once and the intense ridicule I suffered after the textured pattern gave me away was tantamount to being raped.

It’s good to procure a wide variety of ties because they are what differentiates you from day to day. Slender beats wide but never underestimate the merits of a flat, black tie. It’s perfect for every occasion. Bow ties take some balls and YouTube is very good at showing you how to tie them but excessive bow-tie wearing makes you look like an old-money dork with Asperger’s.

As a final touch, I love a good pair of suspenders. Northerners seem to think combining them with a belt is redundant, but Southerners and tradesmen do it all the time. When you do that with a suit, it separates you from the bourgeois ponces at The New York Times.

You”€™re almost finished, but we need to make sure your head isn”€™t hard to look at. My colleague with the floppy hair was only a comb away from looking decent. I recommend the most old-fashioned barber available. My barber charges $25 for a trim, but if you go to a barber school, the most they”€™ll charge you is $5. “€œShort back and sides”€ should cut it and if you need to tame a wild “€™fro, nothing beats Razac. It’s used to tame black women’s hair and as we”€™ve learned from de Blasio, if you can handle black women, you can handle anything. As far as facial hair goes, I don”€™t expect anyone to take me seriously on that front so I”€™ll let you decide. I have no chin and was forced to grow a pile of it but if you”€™ve got a chin, I can”€™t understand why you wouldn”€™t want a mustache. Jon Taffer’s top lip is all but screaming out for one.

That’s all you have to do. The briefcase can wait. A haircut is $5. Desert boots are $100. A J Crew suit is $600. Socks and a tie are $30 and a toilet-paper pocket square is free. That’s $735 to go from mongoloid to millionaire. All we have to do now is convince millennials it’s worth it.


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