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There was once a pre-WWII English Music Hall blackface comedian who adopted the stage name “Nosmo King.” He got his unusual alias after seeing the words “NO SMOKING” on a vertically split theater entrance one day, with “NO SMO” painted on one half of the double door, and “KING” on the other. If the “SMO” bit had ever faded off, left-wingers visiting Nosmo’s old theater today could have gotten the name for their latest meaningless street movement, “No Kings,” from observing the very same washed-out health-and-safety notice.

It is difficult to conceive of a more pointless form of protest than calling for there to be no king in a nation that is demonstrably not a monarchy. But still the morons march down America’s malls and highways nonetheless. As they already have what they were asking for, at least they are guaranteed to go home happy.

Perhaps next of all they should try going on a march asking for the right to go on a march.

The Trump Dump
Many of the latest round of No Kings gatherings just ended up looking like Halloween had come a week or two early. Supposedly, around 7 million retards in childish fancy-dress costumes turned up at 2,700 separate rallies nationwide, eager to ensure President Trump could not rule forever as America’s newly crowned King Donald I. That’s one million more than died in the Holocaust, but the original 6 million didn’t deserve it.

Evidently protesters had not heard of a little thing called the 2028 election, at which point the then-octogenarian Trump will be legally and constitutionally bound to stand down from office, despite his and Steve Bannon’s recent leftoid-baiting teases otherwise.

Nonetheless, an “American Values Survey” by the Public Religion Research Institute indicates that 56 percent of Americans consider Trump a “dangerous dictator whose power should be limited.” Good job his power is limited, then, by the Constitution, the Supreme Court, Congress, the Senate, the laws of gravity, economics, human life, and physics, ad infinitum. This isn’t Bad King John we’re talking about here. Just someone who actually likes to get things done and try to keep his promises to his voters for once (in his second term, anyway).

Trump has been endlessly panned for his recent “disturbing, excremental propaganda campaign” of posting a very short mocking AI-generated video clip of himself wearing a golden crown and dumping liquid poo over the No Kings mob from a military jet plane. But true all-powerful monarchs don’t settle for posting scatological videos online: They have actual air force jet pilots drop rather more unpleasant substances onto rebellious crowds from a great height, such as barrel bombs, sarin nerve agent, white phosphorous, and napalm, not the explosive brown aftermath of Donald’s latest late-night Oval Office McDonald’s blowout.

Unauthorized Loggins
Trump’s video was backed by the song “Danger Zone” by the distinctly fecally named Kenny Loggins, whoever he is. Once Kenny found out about King Log’s actions, he demanded his song be “removed immediately” on the usual delusional left-wing grounds that Trump was trying to divide a previously 100 percent harmonious populace who otherwise would have remained completely united:

I can’t imagine why anybody would want their music used or associated with something created with the sole purpose of dividing us. Too many people are trying to tear us apart, and we need to find new ways to come together. We’re all Americans, and we’re all patriotic. There is no “us and them”—that’s not who we are, nor is it what we should be. It’s all of us. We’re in this together, and it is my hope that we can embrace music as a way of celebrating and uniting each and every one of us.

We’re “all Americans”—even all the Haitians, Somalis, Syrians, and so forth flooding into the country. And we’re “all patriotic,” too—even the ones out there chanting “Death to America!” who want to see the entire country crash and burn. Loggins sounds more full of shit than Trump’s CGI bomb bay doors were. So did a lot of the protesters.

Drama Queens
Supposedly, the revolting rabble represented the entire nation, calling themselves a “big tent”: always useful, to keep all the clowns in. One black female harlequin in Virginia held a placard saying “NO TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION! GEORGE III—STAMP ACT, D.J. TRUMP—TARIFFS.” Doesn’t she realize Trump has placed his trade tariffs on other countries, not the U.S.? Then again, she is black, so maybe she’s actually a Nigerian national, very concerned about the future of her failing yam export business.

In Chicago, Jewish protester Lindsay Weinberg was so clued-up on royal history she thought Adolf Hitler had once been the king of Germany, waving aloft a crappy cardboard sign comparing ICE agents to König Adolf I’s Gestapo:

“It’s really personal to me when I hear people getting grabbed off the streets and taken away…. I mean, many, many victims of the Holocaust don’t know what happened to their relatives, but I happen to know that [my German-Jewish great-grandmother’s] bones are in a mass grave…. That’s important history for people to remember. People are getting disappeared. People are hiding. People are being murdered. People are being wounded. People are experiencing trauma. It’s escalating.”

But sadly not escalating to the point where Weinberg herself has yet been “disappeared.” Where did the Gestapo take arrested Jews off to? Auschwitz and Belsen. Where do ICE agents take arrested illegal Mexicans and Venezuelans off to? An airport to fly them back home.

For protesters against a guy who was supposedly destroying democracy, some of the Nosmo King crowd certainly had an original way of mobilizing against this totalitarian royal disgrace—by agitating to get in there early and destroy democracy themselves first. Here is a highly non-J6-like extract from a leaflet handed out by friendly anarchists at one No Kings rally:

WE DEMAND…That angry mobs storm the Supreme Court, ABOLISHING IT outright, returning power to community elders [re: black and Muslim loudmouths], to wayward youngsters [re: violent criminals] and to those of us who earn trust in their communities continuously because of their care and humility, not appointed authority.

That last bit there really means “surrender power to us, the self-appointed new authorities, not the legally elected old ones like President Trump”—or, put another way, “Make us all little kings, but mini-monarchs falsely relabeled along more acceptably left-wing lines, unelected yet all-powerful nonetheless.” Should the movement really be called “No Kings, More Commissars”?

RAGE Against the Machine
Next year sees the 250th anniversary of U.S. independence from the British Crown—and some Americans are beginning to regret it. A 2023 poll shows 27 percent of citizens aged 18 to 29 would prefer to be royal subjects, with groups like the Monarchists of America hoping for an all-powerful absolutist emperor to cut through the Gordian knot of endless committees, paperwork, and lawfare holding the nation back from greatness.

Democrats and other assorted spiteful mutants prefer the currently prevailing model of permanent administrative stasis across the West whenever right-wingers win elections, and hives of buzzing state activity whenever left-wingers win. Having infiltrated all our previously neutral institutions with fellow travelers, they have perfected the fine art of ensuring that when conservatives tug lustily on the levers of modern “power,” nothing ever happens, but when liberals so much as tickle those exact same devices with a feather, everything runs like clockwork on cocaine.

Then, the leftist hive mind can act as a kind of collective despotic king, while pretending we all still inhabit a “democracy,” whereas when a right-wing president or prime minister tries to fulfill his promises, he is frustrated at every turn by the true controlling viziers and prince regents merely disguised as agents of an “impartial” managing civil service. Hence, borders can be opened very easily but never closed, government spending boosted but never cut, no matter what the “enfranchised” serfs themselves may want.

One man who sees through this scam is Silicon Valley tech wizard Curtis Yarvin, America’s most famous backer of quasi-royal rule, who advises that governments be structured like corporations, with a “CEO King” at the top, accountable only to some independent aristocracy-like body analogous to a board of directors. Nations would become more akin to microstates, and fake democracy would be abolished—citizens’ only true right would be to vote with their feet and head off toward other, competing microstates if they think life sounds better there.

Yarvin thus isn’t quite an advocate of turning Trump into an almighty God Emperor, but it is useful for the left to pretend he is, for easy scaremongering purposes. A recent long profile in The New Yorker veered between mocking Yarvin as a loony (because his ideal aristocratic board of directors would consist of airline pilots), calling him a racist (because he acknowledges race exists, which it does), and implying he secretly sets MAGA policy agenda from outside.

It is true that Yarvin knows J.D. Vance, once suggested turning Gaza into a beach resort like Trump also once did, and has promoted his own DOGE-like unit called RAGE (Retire All Government Employees). But, on the other hand, Yarvin also suggests hooking criminals and other subhumans up to permanent Matrix-style virtual reality units and leaving them hallucinating happily there forever, as “a humane alternative to genocide,” and putting “the church blacks in charge of the ghetto blacks” in little mini-Bantustans, neither of which are anything like current MAGA policy. Sadly.

Frog Princesses
Who even are these appalling people? Just look at videos of them, ranting hatefully and hypocritically about how Charlie Kirk deserved to die because he was always ranting hatefully and hypocritically, calling everyone in sight Nazis, or spazzing about dressed as inflatable giant unicorns, dinosaurs, axolotls, and, most often of all, cartoon frogs.

Many seem mentally ill, with one psychologist observing how the crowds of Lovecraftian frog-humans are mainly made up of disturbed hysterical white women in their mid-40s, who are using the whole thing as a free form of public “group therapy playing out in the streets,” in an era where “emotional catharsis and civic activism have begun to blur.”

Basically, these solipsistic show-offs are doing it for themselves, masturbatorily polishing their own moral halos while pretending to be latter-day French revolutionaries, painting themselves as make-believe agents of what they fantasize to be “The People” against the agents of Orange Tyranny.

In fact, they represent no one but themselves, with the average normal, nonmutant person taking one glance and concluding, “Pure genetic waste.” Do they not have any proper jobs to go to? Construction workers and plumbers do, hence them not generally being on the marches themselves. These tantrum throwers are nothing but pathetic, entitled, sheltered, perpetual infants—if Trump really is the Sun King, then they’re all Marie Antoinette with blow-up webbed green feet.

Let them eat cake? Trump in his fighter jet had it better: Let them eat shit instead.