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Celebrity Meltdowns

November 10, 2016

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Chris Evans as Captain America

Media guru Del Williams said, “€œImmigrant women who are models under 25, stand prepared to get your genitals grabbed by new sexual assaulter-in-chief #TrumpsFirstOrder.”€ Say, hypothetically, this mentally ill statement were true. How long do you think that order would last, an hour?

Sometimes these damaged tools go so far off the reservation they accidentally stumble back into reality. Minority Lin-Manuel Miranda was asked if he’s going to escape to Canada like everyone else famous and he responded, “€œF*ck that. I love this country, and there’s more work to do than ever. (No offense Canada).”€ He’s right. There will be more work to do, because there will be more jobs. When there aren”€™t illegals to do the jobs Americans won”€™t do, Americans will do them. Mark Ruffalo, who has worked tirelessly to prevent Americans from getting jobs in fracking, proudly declared, “€œYou know what we do now? We finish building what we started and we FIGHT BACK! Lift your heads up brothers and sisters.”€ I couldn”€™t agree more, Mark. Let’s start with the wall. Cartoon pig James Corden simply stated, “€œBrexit feelings,”€ and I”€™m assuming the subtext here is that he’s drenched in shame. That’s wrong. Brexit feels good. In fact, right now I have the same shit-eating grin Nigel Farage had plastered on his face for a fortnight.

We rented out a bar in New York and had a huge party on Nov. 8. When Fox News said “€œDonald Trump wins presidency”€ we burst into paroxysms of screaming hysteria. It wasn”€™t because hate had finally trumped love. It wasn”€™t because rape was now legal and homosexuals were going to be sent back to wherever they came from. It was because all those dumb lies are over and we can stop hearing all these babies whine about them. The people just stole the country back from the establishment and it was really fun. That’s not a movie. That’s real life.

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