December 13, 2016
The graph read: 44% Ireland, 30% Western Europe, 10% Great Britain, 8% Scandinavia, 4% Iberian Peninsula, 2% European Jewish (as I mentioned last week), 1% Finland/Northwest Russia, and less than 1% Italy/Greece.
For someone who’s frequently called a “white supremacist,” the only group I make fun of more than the Italians is the frickin” Irish, those lazy, petty, bitter losers. Let’s see their “Famous Invention” Souvenir Dish Towels!
But I also knew this Highland-free result was impossible. Yes, we are besieged by men who think they are women and whites who insist they”re black“but my grandmother was not pretending to be Scottish, like some old-lady Hebridean version of Breaking Away, as an excuse to decorate her house with plaid crap and Scottie-dog knickknacks. (Seriously. The whole damn place…)
So what the hell? I sulked for a couple of weeks, questioning pretty much everything I thought I knew about my identity.
Then, while writing this column, I uncovered something that Ancestry DNA doesn”t make at all clear until you dig pretty deep into their site:
The company doesn”t differentiate between Scottish and Irish DNA because they”re apparently too similar. They just call said results “Irish” because obviously the place is run by some Fenian bog-jumper.
Ha, I thought”but only briefly.
Because if the Irish and the Scotch (as we call them in Canada) aren”t that different genetically, how does a human-biodiversity thought criminal like me reconcile the obvious:
That Highlanders are a bold race of masterminds (okay, not Grandma…) and the Irish are, well, not?
And the worst part of all?
When it comes to DNA, I finally understand how the O.J. jury felt.