Kids Today

Escaping America’s Youf

January 07, 2014

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The right food will also help. Troubled movie theaters should offer only healthy, fat-free, organic, low-calorie snack food and to drive this message home, just display fresh fruit”€”the more exotic, the better. Guaranteed, few trouble-seeking youngsters will venture in if they have to navigate mounds of kiwi fruit, lychees, kumquats, and similar ugly, unappetizing snacks and give up their 16-ounce Cokes for Greek yogurt and fruit smoothies.

Also ban stores selling electronic doodads. These are teen magnets and should be located away from areas where upscale whites congregate, though, of course, whites can certainly shop there. If electronic items are to be sold, let them be hyper-expensive Bang & Olufsen doodads.

And to drive the point home, decorate all walls with abstract impressionist art à la Willem de Kooning. Henry Moore-like sculptures will also help. Meanwhile, mall and street food vendors might feature exotic Tibetan or North African fare or for ordinary folk, eateries specializing in crepes or salads. Absolutely verboten are teen-friendly fast food establishments such as McDonald’s or Burger King. If there is to be popular food like pizza, make sure it is expensive and features toppings like marinated eggplant to be accompanied with overpriced “€œhealthy”€ drinks with unpronounceable foreign names.

What about down-market neighborhoods? Just seed the neighborhood with a few country-and-western bars featuring loud music with outside benches to accommodate intoxicated good old boys so they can conspicuously smoke and curse. For good measure, try some biker bars with free parking for the tricked-out Harleys. If all else fails, just recruit unsavory-looking Hispanics, the uglier the better”€”they generally leave whites alone and youfs are terrified of them. The teen “€œno-go”€ atmosphere can also be enhanced by having stores that sell hiking and mountain climbing gear, toy stores specializing in IQ-boosting games, or a boutique featuring overpriced European kitchen accessories. 

Urban planners will, of course, insist that this inhospitable terrain makes no economic sense and will kill the mall and just about any other business. Few mall aficionados let alone theme park customers crave organic gourmet hummus and will demand traditional cheap fast food. Wrong. Yes, these proposed measures will initially alienate a few middle-class customers, but consider the alternative”€”far larger numbers of free-spenders avoiding public space since they are terrified of random racial violence. And, rest assured, once it becomes clear that public spaces”€”including parking lots”€”are 100% safe, business traffic will return to an earlier era when the middle class fled the cities for the safety of suburbia. 

As for the fate of all those youngsters unable to stomach Mozart and deprived of anything edible, who knows? Not our problem. Nevertheless, I would suggest that the government subsidize a culturally sensitive safe haven for them, a world of ample inexpensive unhealthy food, theaters showing violent movies, and shoe stores featuring exotic overpriced Nikes. 

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