Man and Woman by Fernando Botero

Dear Want a Wedding in Westminster,

You need to get used to the fact that there is absolutely nothing you can do to help your daughter find/pick a suitable husband. However, if you still want to hold onto that very thin thread of being able to voice an opinion on the matter from time to time, you should keep doing exactly what you are doing—setting her up with men as long as she will allow it and hope that once in a very rare while mommy knows best and you might stumble upon a good match. The important thing to remember is to never seem too invested in the whole thing; it will keep her more open and give you a better chance of getting the kind of man you want for her through the door. This will require a lot of self-control on your part, so make sure you are up for it. The cardinal rule is to always stay on her side. Even if you think she is a stupid slut who will end up an old maid, never go against a boyfriend or doubt her judgment. Not only will you lose, your opinion will become more than worthless and you will end up planning the wedding of your nightmares. I am not impressed that you think that the only criterion for “suitable” is wealthy; I am convinced you can come up with a bit more suitable list if you could concentrate on something besides a Lexus ad.

TERRIFIED HE’LL NEVER POP THE QUESTION

Dear Delphi,

I am a 35-year-old woman. I have obviously had many unsuccessful relationships; otherwise, why would I be writing you at 35, right? So luckily or not I have been in a relationship for just under a year and I am wondering how long I should wait around for a proposal—or rather, how much time should I give him before I decide to jump ship? I’d rather jump in the ocean and drown than grow old alone!

—35 Dating Dilemma in Dearborn

Dear 35 Dating Dilemma in Dearborn,

It all depends. It depends on how well the two of you communicate. It depends on the circumstances. If he is divorced with a kid and a vasectomy and you want kids, jump ship now! Don’t waste your time and energy trying to convince him into reversal surgery or adoption. If he has told you he does not want children and can’t stand the thought of marriage, listen to him! If he knows that you want a ring and kids because you have told him so (never assume a man understands your feelings or desires) and he has told you he wants marriage and children, I think you should give it some time. Men are not idiots; they, too, can see lines deepening on their face and the ever-expanding jelly rolls in their gut. When he sees the Grim Reaper breathing behind his neck, he may finally propose to you.