March 01, 2016

Source: Bigstock

Not quite Kissinger’s Iran/Iraq conundrum, but still.

Next: The boy’s surname is Alvarado.

Now, being Canadian means I don”€™t have to deal with Mexicans as much as you guys do.

So I”€™ve probably got some stale-dated ideas about them, primarily that they”€™re basically equatorial Eskimos: stocky, simple folk who, whatever their other shortcomings, at least have no (Chevy Suburban) truck with the crazy white man’s fake-ass “€œissues”€ and “€œtriggers”€ and suchness. Never mind “€œsnow”€: I doubt the Inuit have a word for “€œneurosis”€; if there’s one in Spanish, I”€™m guessing that, like “€œparticle accelerator”€ and “€œsavings account,”€ it’s as neglected as a pit bull chained in the backyard. (Sorry, but last week Adam Carolla called Porta Pottis “€œMexican space shuttles”€ and I”€™m still laughing…)

So this is what it’s come to, America? Your Mexicans have allergies now? What’s next? Collecting old 78s? Asking for dressing on the side?

No wonder Trump’s been so popular. In fact, being a desperate, deadline-driven hack and all, I wanted so much to exploit this allergy-airplane-applause story as a Microcosm of Our Times(tm), this era’s Kitty Genovese. (“€œLooking for Mr. Nut-Free Bar”€…?)

America’s passengers have had it. They”€™ve been groped and interrogated by power-drunk GED martinets for fifteen years (on account of a bunch of Muslims)”€”plus, thanks to a handful of faggy little wimps, they can”€™t even get that measly little bag of PEANUTS on the plane anymore”€”and NOW some Mexicans come along and screw stuff up too. These passengers just want to get going, goddammit. And anything that gets them one step closer to taking off”€”how can that not get a round of applause?

What none of the passengers knew at the time was: Mr. Alvarado has stage 4 cancer. This flight was part of a final family trip.

I know Americans well enough to say with absolute certainty that, had those passengers been aware of that awful fact, the story would have been different indeed. It wouldn”€™t have made the news at all, except maybe as one of those heartwarming human-interest bits that go viral, with everyone on the plane hugging and crying and laughing.

So the Alvarado tale doesn”€™t lend itself to my tacky metaphor-making after all.

Because at this juncture, Americans know all about the cancer. And they just don”€™t give a shit. They just want to take off and clap, ferchrissakes. And I feel pretty much the same way.


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