December 20, 2013

Source: Shutterstock

You”€™d think most people would make not smelling horrible a priority, but no. Young people come on smelling like a skunk is selling pot to their armpits. Old ladies come on with so much perfume, it’s like getting raped in the nose. I once had to tell a teenager to put his sweatshirt back on because he was reeking up our whole row. He came back with, “€œSorry, I didn”€™t sleep last night”€ as if I could give a shit. Unfortunately, when you hear an old lady squeeze the perfume trigger, there’s nothing you can do. The cabin pressure is too strong to open the emergency hatch.

My kids are angels when we fly because I”€™m a fascist, so when a mom lets her kid kick my chair, I have to start policing other people’s kids. The great thing about this problem is that nothing scares the shit out of a kid more than a stranger turning around and saying, “€œStop kicking my chair”€ right into his face. It turns them to stone.

Oh, come on, you”€™re not going to switch seats so a couple can be together? What about a mom and her kid? You want to keep them separate so you can retain your fucking aisle seat. What kind of a human turd are you? You won”€™t make your trip 3% worse so they can make their trip 100% better? It’s Christmas.

If someone refuses to switch seats with you, even if you offer to pay them, be a man, suck it up, and go back to your seat. You may fantasize about severing their femoral artery, but you can”€™t punish someone for not doing you a favor.

This is so unethical and disgusting, I”€™m not sure I even want to admit that I do it. Crossing your eyes and bending your wrists in like you have cerebral palsy is a horrible thing to do, but sometimes flying gets to a Lord of the Flies level of desperation and you”€™re forced to improvise.

I have feigned retardation in order to sit with a business partner for a six-hour trip. I have also done it at the priority lineup because I was late for my flight and knew waiting in the normal line would make me miss it. The attendant kept telling me I was in the wrong line, but I kept being too retarded to understand him until he let me pass.  It helps to button your top button when you do this, especially if you”€™re wearing a polo shirt. I have also done this at the gate while asking the woman there if I can sit with my friend. If we”€™re being totally honest, I may have said, “€œI”€™m #1″€ to the lady as I boarded and she possibly replied, “€œYes you are”€ with a huge sympathetic smile. I”€™m not proud of that at all.

You have to retain the handicapped act until about twenty minutes after you sit down lest you get caught. This almost blew up in my face on one flight because as I sat there wobbling from side to side, a real handicapped man my age wearing a Superman shirt walked by with his mother, and I could tell she was considering seating us together so we could talk shop. We were making the exact same gestures and were both equally cross-eyed. If this had happened, I would have been fine with the punishment and stayed in character the whole flight, because you shouldn”€™t do the crime if you can”€™t do the time.

I heartily apologize to the family members and caretakers of the mentally handicapped for taking advantage of other people’s benevolence. It’s wrong and I”€™m sorry, but flying in America today has gotten so out of hand, it’s enough to make you retarded.


Sign Up to Receive Our Latest Updates!