Deep Thoughts

Idle Hands Do Time

May 22, 2015


The sociopaths who gain pleasure from hurting people are extinct. Prisons aren”€™t filled with villains from a Hanna-Barbera cartoon. They”€™re filled with accidents. I talked to a prison guard about this and he said, “€œIt’s all drugs and domestics.”€ Some guy hits his girlfriend. She calls the police. They fill out a restraining order. The couple gets back together and a year later they get in another fight. She calls the cops again and he just violated his restraining order. As far as the law is concerned, this is the same as a stalker crawling in her window and attacking her. The fact that he has a sock drawer doesn”€™t hold up in court.

For the record, I”€™ve never slept with a black girl who wasn”€™t turned on by rough sex and jealousy. The Crystals wrote a song about it, “€œHe Hit Me (And It Felt Like a Kiss).”€ One woman made me invent scenarios where I had caught her with another man and I was punishing her. She hadn”€™t cheated and I wouldn”€™t have given a shit if she had. I wasn”€™t that into her. Sonnie Johnson has been fighting this culture for years but I feel like she’s recently thrown up her hands and said, “€œFuck those bitches.”€

Jim Goad spent two years in prison for hitting a woman he had physical fights with constantly. She hit him too – a lot. He told me he didn”€™t meet one guy inside who was even remotely okay with rape. No guy ever said it interested him in any way and not one person didn”€™t want to beat the shit out of a rapist. I”€™ve noticed this too with the thousands of men I”€™ve met. It’s really hard to find a man who isn”€™t horrified by the crime. I have however met plenty of women with rape fantasies. If you don”€™t like hearing that from me, take it from Louis CK.

My point is, we”€™re all pretty decent folks. The homicidal rapist bastards who torture and kill for fun are pretty much extinct. I honestly believe most prisoners are the result of idle hands. They were the bored kids of single moms and they got into trouble because there was nothing better to do. They wouldn”€™t get into trouble if there was no incentive. If looting a store or robbing a house or raping someone’s sister would get you shot, America would be like Plano. Take drugs out of the equation and crime’s pretty much over. Stop incentivizing single motherhood and the idle hands have to go to work and then you”€™ve got yourself a country. I know it’s a crazy hypothetical but can we at least shoot for these things? The government solution simply isn”€™t working.

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