December 13, 2012

Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan

The writer is the only irreplaceable person on a set. Studio heads are always being replaced, directors are a dime a dozen, and film schools churn out more technicians than there are fleabag motel rooms in town. The only thing that cannot be taught is creativity, and the writer has to have it.

Hollywood knows this, and thus it trawls everything from The New York Times Best Seller List to cogent magazine articles in search of someone who can keep audiences awake two hours straight. Unfortunately, while the plethora of biopics tap into a willing market, you still can”€™t sell saltwater to a thirsty man. Taylor (and Lohan herself) are fertile fields, but it takes a capable scribe to yield a harvest from them.

If you didn”€™t like Liz & Dick you should first blame the budget, second blame the writers, and finally blame yourself because you ought to have been sensible enough to know what you were getting yourself into by watching a Lifetime Movie.

All of which is again fine. Liz & Dick was exactly what a Lifetime Movie was supposed to be: kitschy, inconsistent in costuming, and with enough double-barrel, over-the-top melodrama to make Mary Pickford blush.

I cherish Lifetime Movies. Seldom am I offered the opportunity to laugh out loud at anything anymore. Lifetime always delivers, whether with a sexy former teen star turned basic cable call girl, “€œstraight from the headlines“€ stories which are just crooked enough for producers not to be sued senseless, and all the way through to the classically outrageous trailers, I bless them one and all.

I cannot personally tolerate Lindsay, if only from a legal aspect. Never have I seen someone so criminally reckless get away with so much. Given her track record of insanity, anyone with an insurable interest ought to have at least a $100-million policy out on her, with double indemnity if she dies in an opium den. Alas, while there is much to loathe in Lohan, her acting is the least of it.

Image of Lindsay Lohan courtesy of Shutterstock


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