Pope Francis in Jerusalem with Jordan's Prince Ghazi

Source: Bigstock

As I write these words, the Pope lies gravely ill in hospital, even less capable of breathing than George Floyd once was, and probably every bit as doped up. Perhaps Pope Francis will pull through—it wouldn’t be the first miraculous resurrection in Christian history—although given current updates, it would hardly be a surprise if he does finally give up the ghost.

Having been born and raised a Catholic (although, given current demographic trends in Europe, I fully expect to die and be buried a Muslim), I am well aware that Francis’ pontificate has been a controversial one, to the extent that, to some critical voices in the pews, the age-old question “Is the Pope Catholic?” no longer seems purely rhetorical.

Pope Not-So-Innocent
If I ever do croak having been forced at point of scimitar to shift my allegiance from Rome toward Mecca, the question I shall immediately be minded to ask my Maker, whether addressing Him as Jehovah or Allah, is to what extent this would be Pope Francis’ own stupid fault?

Pontifex Maximus Francis has consistently argued the need for Europe and America to “not raise walls but bridges” for the rest of the world to stampede over here using, the teeming masses of the Islamic world in particular.

The first official outside visit of his pontificate, in 2013, was to the Italian island of Lampedusa, which he seemingly considered a true Camp of the Saints. Lampedusa was then being flooded with boatloads of illegal Africans and Muslims, with whose plight the Pope clearly sympathized far more than that of the actual European islanders, who suddenly found themselves outnumbered.

Noting that many migrants drown at sea (but strangely not noting that this was sometimes because the Muslim ones deliberately throw the Christian ones overboard during the journey), Francis made the following prayer during a Mass held on the isle: “Lord, we ask forgiveness, for those who with their laws and decisions have created situations that have led to these tragedies.”

By this, the Pope meant those evil, “racist” European anti-immigration politicians and campaigners who sought to create restrictive, wall-building, bridge-burning laws to keep the trespassers out, whom Francis publicly labeled as sinners. Given migrants only risk their lives at sea in the first place because they correctly perceive the continent as a soft touch, possibly Francis would better have anathematized the leftist human rights lawyers and Eurocrats who send out the not-so-subtle signal that the alien hordes will all be allowed to remain here once landed in their makeshift invasion fleets.

Papal Fallibility
In his 2020 Papal Encyclical Fratelli Tutti (All Brothers), Francis sought to rewrite the lyrics of John Lennon’s “Imagine” with some vague reference toward Christian theology.

Imagine there’s no borders, Francis wrote, it’s easy if you lie: “No one can remain excluded [from other countries] because of his or her place of birth, much less because of privileges enjoyed by others who were born in lands of greater opportunity. The limits and borders of individual states cannot stand in the way of this.” They certainly can’t if nobody bothers to enforce them anymore.

Due to his constant appeasement of Islam to the obvious future disadvantage of the One True Faith of which he is supposed to function as Fidei Defensor, a fringe conspiracy called campaigning against mass immigration or turning away any future boats a “grave sin,” before calling for a new “global governance of migration based on justice, brotherhood and solidarity.” And who should administer this revolutionary new One-World Government, precisely, Your Holiness? The Comintern?

White Vance Man
Some critics of Christianity on today’s radical right dismiss Christianity wholesale as being, in Friedrich Nietzsche’s old terms, nothing but a weak “slave religion,” whose injunctions toward endless universal charity will lead to nothing but white people being taken colossal advantage of in their own soon-to-be-Islamized homelands. Given his general politics, you might expect Vice President JD Vance to be one of these very people, were he not himself a Catholic convert.

In January, Vance saw fit to deride Western Open Borders utopians as decadent fools guilty of senselessly inverting St. Augustine’s classic Christian concept of ordo amoris, or the “order of love,” in which a person is really supposed to provide care and protection for their own family, community, and nation first and foremost, not random Mexican rapists and Yemeni church bombers from a whole other page in the atlas.

Vance became embroiled in a Twitter spat with patrician pro-immigration U.K. politician Rory Stewart, also known as “Lawrence of Belgravia,” due to his very great achievement in once having pranced solo across Afghanistan without stepping on any land mines. Rory was no doubt upset that, thanks to the Trump-Vance administration’s virtual shutdown of USAID, his wife’s bizarre Afghan-based charity Turquoise Mountain—which teaches native women how to appreciate early-20th-century dadaist artworks like Marcel Duchamp’s urinal, a truly useful skill under neo-Taliban rule, where the conceptual arts scene now flourishes—was due to lose $1–2m in Washington funding.

Seeing Vance on TV discussing the role of his adopted faith in shaping his political views, Stewart felt JD’s opinion that true Christians should help those in need immediately around them first, like homeless friends and neighbors, rather than sending millions of dollars abroad to train random female Muslims how best to consider pretentious plinth-mounted porcelain piss-tubs, was a “bizarre take” on the Bible, one that was “less Christian and more pagan tribal.”

Vance replied to Rory, telling him to “Just google ordo amoris,” before asking, “Does Rory really think his moral duties to his own children are the same as his duties to a stranger who lives thousands of miles away? Does anyone?” Yes, unfortunately Pope Francis does.

That’s Amoris!
Just like Lawrence of Belgravia, in place of any ordo amoris, Pope Francis also labors more under a pathological “disorder of love,” in which he feels infinitely more obligation toward the continued well-being of imported foreign Mohammedans than he does toward the safety of his fellow souls of Christendom. “All of us together: Muslims, Hindus, Catholics, Copts, Evangelicals, but brothers and sisters, children of the same God,” Papa did preach at a special Vatican Mass held for immigrants in 2016. You left out Satanists there, Francis, you bigot.

Unhappy with Vance’s words, in February the Vicar of Rome penned a Papal Letter deriding Trump 2-era U.S. immigration policies, ostensibly delivered to American bishops, but in reality clearly aimed at the apostate Vice President. To be honest, I’ve seen some French Letters filled with content less fishy.

Without going into immense detail, you can surely guess its basic content: “Let them ALL in, JD, or else you’re gonna BURN!!!” Francis also specifically reinterpreted ordo amoris, explaining how, when you really stopped to think about it, mankind was all just one giant loving family, like the Munsters and the Mansons.

As if to prove just how closely all human beings should stick together as one forever, the Pope also announced the appointment of a new Archbishop of Detroit, Edward Weisenburger, who has in the past suggested any Catholic border officials who “collude” in acts of deportation (re: do their jobs properly) should suffer excommunication.

Interestingly, Trump and Vance’s current “Border Czar,” Tom Homan—whom Francis thinks is not quite Human—is also a Catholic, just like American Catholic Archbishops once used to be. Homan Unkind responded to Francis’ letter with what he called “harsh words” of his own, observing that the Pope himself has “got a wall around the Vatican.” Tom should just have mailed the Vatican back a copy of the Papal Missive marked “Return to Sender”—before then announcing a new retaliatory policy of tattooing this very same phrase onto the foreheads of any and all incoming Mexicans.

Charity Begins at Rome
In his Papal Letter, Francis exhorted Catholics in general (i.e., JD Vance in particular) to remember the parable of the Good Samaritan. What about the Parable of the Bad Samaritan, though? You know, the one who, when the naive dupe kindly stopped by to help him, promptly yelled, “Sucker!” pulled out a knife, cut off his balls, and ate them.

The biblical Samaritans came from the Levant, and so did my all-time favorite Bad Samaritan, Aras Bacho, a teenage Syrian immigrant into Germany who, around the time of the Arab Spring, was given his own regular national newspaper column in which to express his public thanks to mein hosts.

Instead, Bad Samaritan Bacho used his platform to repeatedly berate his adoptive benefactors, demanding all domestic street signs, instructions, test papers, and food labels be transformed into Middle Eastern tongues, arguing it would be much better if Germans spoke Arabic rather than Arabs learning to speak German (although he did at least deign to write this particular column in the worthless patois of Goethe as a generous interim adaptation measure).

Bacho also blamed European women for being raped by Muslim incomers, and ordered the German people themselves to move out en masse to make way for millions more arrogant settler-colonialists like him, as “Germany does not fit you, why do you live here?” a question Bacho should really have been addressing to himself. He suggested that any Germans unhappy living in a newly Islamified Ramadan Reich should all “Go to America to Donald Trump.” If this is how rude some Syrian people really are, it’s no wonder President Assad liked gassing them so much.

I do understand that turning the other cheek and loving even thy most distant neighbor are admirable moral goals in theory, but in practice even Jesus Christ admitted that His Kingdom was not of this Earth and practically unachievable in terrestrial human terms—shame Pope Francis hasn’t got up to that bit in his Bible yet, he’s still too busy annotating his Koran.

Please don’t get me wrong here: I’m very pro-Christian. Some of my favorite Popes are Catholic. Just not necessarily the present one. I do fear that, due to his misguided attitudes on such matters, should Pope Francis indeed die sometime soon, when he reaches the Pearly Gates he might find it unexpectedly difficult to be granted an easy-access instant residency visa from St. Peter. If I recall the Parable of the Sheep and the Goats correctly, I believe Paradise may well operate a rather stricter entrance policy than Pope Francis may personally desire.