Maria Carraciola

August 20, 2010

Augustitis has struck even royals and A-listers. This week was filled with infighting, money wrangling, and plenty of defenses put up by the well-to-do.

Aside from a pricey cell phone bill, Mel Gibson has been racking up expenses from living large for the last few years. In new court papers, Mel allegedly spends up to $7.2 million on himself each year, despite leaving voicemails to his ex claiming “I don’t have any f***ing money!” Mel is offering to pay $6,000 a month in child support for his daughter Lucia. Oksana claims she deserves more.

With her new film The Switch out this week, Jennifer Aniston has been making the media rounds. She dropped a little gem of a story on The Daily Show this week: she once went on a date with host Jon Stewart. Or at least, that’s what he thought it was. After Jon asked her out to dinner in the mid-‘90s, Jen showed up with a few friends, squashing the funnyman’s dreams of hooking up. Jennifer‘s also in hot water after she was on a recent morning show saying “Yes, I play dress up! I do it for a living, like a retard.” Disability groups haven’t taken kindly to her use of the “r-word.”

Pity all the other babies born in 2011, because none will be as cute as Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom’s. The couple got married last month, and now the Victoria’s Secret model has confirmed she’s four months pregnant. Mazel tov!

Less joyous news is on the horizon for Paris Hilton. The hotel heiress is furious with former BFF Kim Kardashian after she ignored her at a Las Vegas club. A guest at the party says Paris was “fuming” that Kim got all the attention—and got the use of a private jet. Please, please turn this into a reality show, you two. No scripts necessary.

Sometimes marriage is no laughing matter. SNL star Fred Armisen and Mad Men‘s Elisabeth Moss split after only 10 months and no one knows exactly why. Here’s a probable reason: 43-year-old Armisen is reportedly already dating SNL newcomer Abby Elliott, daughter of comedian Chris Elliott. A source says “Fred and Abby are getting to know each other in a romantic way and taking things slowly.” Will he rush to the altar again? It’s up in the air—Elliott’s only 23.

Instead of heading to Match.com to find a love interest, infamous tattoo artist Kat von D has fallen into the burly arms of Sandra Bullock’s cheating ex Jesse James. “I’m a believer that we’re all human and we’re all capable of making mistakes,” she said this week. Kat added that she has a lot of respect for Jesse and “how he handled” the break-up. She finally fessed up to the relationship after she tweeted—and then deleted—a message reading: “Yes, Jesse and I are dating.” Sandra, meanwhile, has said she and Jesse “have moved on with our lives and only want the best for each other.”

It keeps getting worse for Fergie. The disgraced Duchess of York, who notoriously goes through money like its water, reportedly used to keep personal trainers, hairdressers, and Pilates instructors waiting for hours on end while she slept. “On bad days she would stay in her darkened room into the late afternoon and evening,” a source said. “It was a great gig for the staff waiting for her.” The Sun also reports that Fergie spent hundreds of thousands of pounds on airline flights and designer dresses she never used. Fergie’s now fighting to avoid bankruptcy.

Some relief for the Swedish royal family. Although eight complaints of corruption were lodged against the newly married Crown Princess Victoria and Daniel Westling for accepting lavish gifts, including rides on a private jet and yacht, the prosecutor ruled that they were not bribes. Strangely, it seems that royalty may be above the law, according to the prosecutor’s statement: “Princess Victoria is not among the people who can be prosecuted for corruption. She has inherited her position and therefore does not figure in that category of people defined by law.”

Prince Harry is coming to a small screen near you. The ginger-haired prince and a British actor and producer named Goldie are joining together for a reality talent search designed to find a dozen singers aged 17 to 24 who have “raw musical talent.” The series is called Goldie’s Band—By Royal Appointment (get it?!) and is basically in the vein of American Idol and X Factor, but with the added royal cachet, could prove to be entirely watchable.

And finally, someone’s had a bit of fun with the press this week. An aging German aristocrat claimed that Prince William and “Waity Katie” Middleton are, in fact, already engaged, with a wedding date set for next July. Eduard Prinz von Anhalt, who’s 68, dished the dirt to a German magazine, but the royal palace said it’s all “nonsense and speculation.” Another summer without a ring—when do you think Kate will flee…or will she?