April 27, 2011
Dear Defiant Daughter in Mobile,
She’s not the one with the problem. It’s obvious you still want to be a blonde! The solution is easy: Go dye your own hair. I”m sure there’s a Walmart in Mobile; you could buy a home kit and get the job done for under $10. If you”re on a fixed budget, a bottle of peroxide costs a dollar. People do it all the time!
But regardless of how old your daughter is, to even suggest a tiny alteration to her appearance is wrong. It needs to come from your daughter; if she’s happy with the way she looks, you”re stepping into a snake pit by suggesting there’s something wrong with her. It is her job to beg you to allow her to get a nose job, pierce her ears, get a tattoo, or dye her hair blonde or purple. It is your job to tell her she is beautiful just as she is, but if she really wants to (because honestly, she needs to) and she is sure, she can get the nose job or dye job. This also applies to wardrobe. The desire to wear super-tight miniskirts, very revealing tops, or thong bathing suits needs to come from her, not something you bought for her so she can “slut it up” and have more success with the boys.
You should be happy. For the moment it sounds like your daughter is still content with her looks. Do you realize how rare that is? This is very hard to hold onto in a society where girls are bombarded with airbrushed faces and bodies of size-zero models all day long. Thanks to the Internet, TV, and magazines, girls no longer have to compare themselves to just the cutest girl in the village, but rather to the prettiest girls in the world. She will get self-conscious and unsatisfied with her body, hair, face, and clothes all too soon. There is no need for you to rush her just so you can play Salon Barbie. You need to realize you have a problem and then go dye your hair!
Dear Delphi,
I recently bought a dog because I see dogs everywhere these days and thought it would be cute and fun. I never had a dog as a child. Unfortunately, once you get them home, they are not cute at all. They smell, they shed, they lick and slobber, they pee in the house, they throw up, they need to be walked, and the list goes on. I think I should put it down. All my friends think the dog is great so I can”t tell them my plan or that I hate the damn mutt. Thoughts?
“Dog Hater in LA
Dear Dog Hater in LA,
I”m not down with the idea of you putting the dog down. Just because you have discovered that a dog is not a good accessory doesn”t give you the right to kill it. Bracelets, necklaces, rings, bags, and scarves are all good accessories for many reasons, including the fact that you can”t kill them”dogs and children, not so much. In certain places it is easier to take your dog into a restaurant rather than your child because a lot of people”all of them just as shallow as you”consider a dog nothing more than an accessory. But good accessories do not poop or fart, and they do not make noise of any kind.
Unless the dog is mentally unstable and big enough to inflict harm, there is no good reason to put it down. Just give it away! It is not hard to find a dog lover. Offer it to one of your friends; if they think the dog is so cute, why don”t they take it home and let it eat shoes and slobber on their pillow? Make up an excuse; it doesn”t even have to be a good one. Tell them that after buying the dog, you suddenly realized you prefer turtles. Tell them you recently converted to Islam and can”t have a dog for a pet.
It does not make you a bad person just because you don”t like dogs. (For that matter, it does not make someone a good person because they can live with the barking and the smell.) What makes you a bad person is your snap decision to put the dog down when you decide you don”t like dogs. If I had to choose, I”d let the dog live and I”d euthanize you.
