There aren”€™t even many “€œSexy Mountie”€ Halloween costumes on offer, and we”€™re talking about a society that’s recently witnessed the rise of Sexy Anne Franks making the October 31 party rounds. (At this rate of cultural decline, I”€™m pretty sure “€œSexy Sharon Tate’s Baby”€ is, well, on the way.) The only “€œSexy Mountie”€ outfit I could find on the Web looked more like a Star Trek “€œRed Shirt“€ getup but with a spectacularly horrible (foam!) hat.

Is it possible that all-powerful Disney”€”who once helped mind the rights to the RCMP uniform“€”cracked down on Mountie porn and sex-related accessories when they were in charge? The RCMP has overseen the protection of its own “€œimage”€ since that Disney licensing contract expired in 2000. I guess that’s what’s kept the market blessedly free of irreverent Mountie porn and, I assume, cheap bootleg souvenir key chains.

Maybe the Mounties spend so much time monitoring unauthorized appropriation of their famous image that they”€™re neglecting boring stuff such as, say, remembering not to tase helpless, mixed-up people. My personal favorite of all their in-house criminals? Constable Justin Harris, accused of both “€œpaying a prostitute for sex”€ and “€œrefusing to pay at all.”€

Between stories like that and the persistent allegations of sexual harassment by female officers, the Mounties sure come across as randy dudes. This makes their absence in porn all the more mystifying.

You”€™d think they”€™d at least appeal to some foreigners”€™ taste for the exotic. Here at home, however, we”€™re less likely to view the RCMP as heroic. But since they decide whether or not I get to keep my guns or buy more of them in future, I”€™d better shut up now.

Better to end with the final verse of a poem bill bissett penned at the height of that barn-burning scandal called “€œth wonderfulness uv th mountees our secret police”€:

its mor than musical
th ride theyr taking
us all on

 



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