January 01, 2009
1) After writing multiple columns that convince the Obama administration the U.S. must invade Iran to rid them of any nuclear capabilities, we will not only find no nukes—but New York Times‘s Bill Kristol will receive yet another promotion.
2) After writing the The Connection 2: My Bad, It Was Actually Iran That Orchestrated 9/11, The Weekly Standard‘s Stephen Hayes will be given his own show on FOX News.
3) Sen. Joe Lieberman will introduce legislation officially declaring Iranian President Moammar Ahmadinejad as the “next Hitler.”
4) Talk show host Sean Hannity will discover that Obama’s mailman in Chicago was guilty of marital indiscretions, and will harp on the president’s questionable character for harboring such associates every day for a solid four months.
5) Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney will start laying the groundwork to campaign for Ted Kennedy’s former Senate seat by declaring his support for gun control, abortion rights, and amnesty.
6) Affirmative action GOP rising star, Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal will become most popular amongst Republicans who once thought it silly anyone might vote for Obama because he was black.
7) Pat Buchanan will continue to be right about almost everything.
8) Ron Paul will continue to be right about almost everything.
9) After supporting both the unpopular invasions of Iraq and Iran, speechwriter David Frum will continue to warn that the greatest danger for the Republican Party would be to embrace the “isolationism” of Buchanan or Paul.
10) The New York Times‘s David Brooks will warn that South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford’s dangerous rhetoric about “economic conservatism” and “fiscal responsibility” should have no place in the modern GOP.
11) South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham will serve as the favorite middle man between the neoconservatives and the Obama administration, earning him the nickname “neo-concierge.”
12) There will be no “change.”
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