Christina Oxenberg

July 10, 2009

Rumor has it a local Hamptons restaurant owner has a proclivity unbecoming to the Michelin worthy establishment over which he presides.

Perhaps you?re familiar with tiny town?s gossip du jour? Story is that of an unfortunate girl named, improbably, Leak. With a name like that she must be progeny from artsy-diehard tree-hugging types. Little Leak was having none of it. She wanted the good life. And she had a plan.

On her 18th birthday Leak moved away from her family?s hemp enterprise in the Yakima flats of Washington State. She Greyhounded directly to the Hamptons. The internationally known enclave of mega-money. A veritable job fair for pretty girls.

Leak has those hillbilly looks with a mane of hair, and endless legs in cowboy boots, and an awesome rump in white shark skin shorty-shorts. She knew what her wampum was worth and she planned on getting equal or better on her trade. This gold digger was shovel-ready.

She quickly met a man. On paper he would do. He was wealthy, respected in his milieu, a local notable. Projecting wildly she envisaged her name next to his under their photograph on the society pages. In the flesh he was something to be reckoned with. This man, naked, was doughy. Hind sight was not pretty. He was both thick and spindly, a m?lange of loose skin and rough patches; tattoos of his life?s map.

Leak?s new guy was frequently rude to her, called her an imbecile, a cretin. He insulted her, regularly. She took his credit card and shopped. She was blissfully happy. That is, until one night, in the kitchen, of his restaurant.

The kitchen was their ?special? place. So this one night, as they were giving in to their urges, Leak hitched herself onto the butcher?s block. He advanced on her, unbuckling his belt, his pants tumbled, rumpling to his loafers. He was locked and loaded. She leaned her head back and closed her eyes.

But things were not right. She allowed herself a peek.

And in a flash her fairy tale melted forever away.

He was indulging himself in the mother of all pisses, washing her down like a Humvee in from desert patrol.

At least, that s as much as I?ve heard so far. Will keep you posted if I find out Leak soup is on the menu.