June 21, 2009

Bio Haz

What do you think makes the perfect gift for Father?s Day? How about DNA results?

My own father, he who was married to my mother while I was conceived, likes to suggest that he and I are not related.  Whether or not he is also implying that my mom is a ho, is another story.

In times of stress, for example, when I would ask dad to bail me out of my gambling debts, he?d say, ?why should I support you? You don?t look anything like me!?

Before the advances in understanding of DNA the issue of illegitimacy was a deep sea to swim in. Most of the time my father and I got along really well, and that?s when it was a delight to believe I was genetically affiliated. Conversely, when we squabbled and I could only see him as King Crab, I relished the alternatives.

We went through a phase when he took to calling me ?the little bastard?, and I prayed to God I was.

Still, I always knew it would be best of all to have verification, whatever the outcome.

Beautiful modern age we live in, all things have become possible. And, lo, in Salt Lake City there is a lab that, for a measly $500, will untangle your double helix and provide definitive proof of who is, and who is not, your daddy.

I ordered a gift certificate from the lab, to cover one paternity test.

A pal noted, ?$500 for the DNA test. $50 for FedEx. Finding out you?re not an Oxenberg- priceless.? Ha ha ha. Well, better not repeat that.

Today I phoned daddy-O to tell him to expect a gift certificate in the mail. And, to wish him a ?Happy Father?s Day!?

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