May 08, 2008
As I find myself sliding into an advanced stage of Obamania, I think I might be well suited to write a serious pathological study of this terrible disease, which is striking down so many of our best conservative and libertarian thinkers in their prime. It?s also very important that we start looking into Obamania now, for even if a cure might be out of reach, the disease seems to be having an appreciable effect on the current presidential race. According to experts in these matters,
Obama owes his first-place standing to the millions of independents and Republicans who voted for him in states that allowed them to participate in the Democratic nominating contest, the News found.
Clinton would top Obama by more than 360,000 votes if only Democrats were counted, and the delegate race—which Obama leads by 135—would likely be tighter.
It?s a pandemic! And worse still, Obamanaia has multiple strains. The disease takes effect in different patients for different reasons. Indeed, I?m tempted to say: Tell me about your Obamania, conservative or libertarian thinker, I?ll tell you who you are.
What follows is a brief catalogue of the varieties of Obamania and some of their symptoms.
Terminal Obamania: Many of these sufferers call themselves ?conservative? for no apparent reason political, social, or economic, and simply became Republicans because it seemed like the really patriotic thing to do. For them, Obamania lay in a dormant stage, even while some were employed by President Bush as his media advisor or special aide. Symptoms include feeling a ?thrill go up your leg? while listening to Obama speak and to use with all earnestness phrases like ?Make History,? ?Hope,? ?the American Dream,? and ?what we are as a nation,? which all seem to be interchangeable and to signify not much of anything. Sometimes this strain even affects Romney propagandists, who begin to lose powers of self-control and feel ?tempted???he almost had me last night[!]?
Barrack Bargainers Disease: The strain afflicts people who think that electing a candidate with a high Melanin count would relieve them of the need to confront tricky issues that bother them to no end but which they?d prefer not to talk about in polite company, not to mention oppose vigorously on principle. Ergo, they make arguments like, ?If Obama really wanted to transcend race, he?d end affirmative action.” There?s also a vague hope that if we elect Obama, Al, Jesse, and friends will stop calling America racist . Clearly, these people are delusional.
Black and minority America would be fully integrated into the nation as the British working class was fully integrated into the British political nation by George V. Americans would feel better about themselves and the world would feel very differently about America.
White Pride Delirium For these patients, Obamania creates a spectre in their minds that electing Obama would be the thing that finally turns American whites into ethno-nationalists (as riots and miscarriages of celebrity justice didn?t quite do the trick). Some have dreams that Obama will appoint Rev. Wright as secretary of the interior, Michele to the Department of Labor, and Farrakahn at State.
Those afflicted with this strain suffer blindness to the fact that Obama is pretty skillful at dumping black nationalists once they’re no longer useful; and while he probably won’t appoint any racist reverend to high office, he’s very likely to install some really horrible white people like Samantha Power and Zbigniew Brzezinski.
Realpolitikitis: This strain only affects the most intelligent commentators, who are willing to put up with some liberal domestic programs for the prospect of ending the war in Iraq. (And in all honesty, could Obama’s liberalism really be that much worse than Bush’s!?! If anything, it?s likely to be marginally better.)
Unfortunately these patients have been focusing so intently on Iraq that they’ve developed myopia, failing to see that while Obama might be the best positioned to remove troops from Iraq, he?s likely to redeploy them somewhere more politically correct.
Leninitis of the Right Brain : The symptoms of this strain are dramatically different than those of Terminal Obamania. Conservatives who are susceptible almost always have a predisposition towards mean-spiritedness and curmudgeonliness. They look on with wicked glee at the election of Obama as the American public getting the government it deserves and the GOP suffering embarrassing, catastrophic defeat. Some have hope that this strain might inoculate the Republican Party from the far worse disease of Bilingual Open-borderitis, which has been drifting over from Arizona.
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What strain do I suffer form? I think I have a bad case of Realpolitikitis, but with some warning signs of Leninitis of the Right Brain. Can I be helped?
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