John Zmirak

March 21, 2008

Here’s one for the files: Gay hockey fans in New York are peeved at the “homophobic” taunts that arise from the stands. I need a moment to process the existence of gay hockey fans…. which reminds me of something I read by that world-historical genius, Kinky Friedman: “In Texas, anybody who likes girls more than football is pretty much considered a queer.”

I had a good laugh over this line with my Dallas belle, who’s still a little disturbed at my blank disinterest in sports (except for fox-hunting, since I have beagles—and she insists this doesn’t count). Once she told me, quite proudly, of her family’s close connections to the “Manning” clan. I thought she meant the one-time prime minister of Canada. She wondered why I wasn’t so impressed.

Back to the subject at hand: In the interest of detente, I would like to propose an immediate improvement of conditions for gay hockey fans IN RETURN for better treatment of straight supporters of baroque opera. Our guys will tone down the “homo” chants when a player flubs a goal (or something—is that the term?), if the other side will stop whispering sibilantly to each other during the recitatives, and hold off on the catty gossip about the countertenor until the INTERMISSION. Okay? Do we have a deal?