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Just in time for Halloween, the leader of Maidstone Borough Council in England has written to the U.K. Home Secretary demanding she take time out from her busy schedule to do something really important instead—pardon seven local women wrongly hanged as witches in July 1652.

The witches’ belated exoneration is supposedly necessary as an act of contemporary public penance from the hideous white patriarchy who have run the West for centuries now, still keeping women and other minorities down even today: an argument rather undermined by the fact that Great Britain’s current Home Secretary is a brown Muslim female named Shabana Mahmood.

Claire Kehily, a Green Party councillor who helped lead the campaign (another clear sign of the ongoing oppression of women the length and breadth of the kingdom), argues that such a centuries-late absolution would not be a complete waste of everyone’s time, but something that “sends a strong message that injustice [against women] will be called out and fought against,” no matter how long ago it occurred. Unless, of course, said “injustice” is still occurring today, and being perpetrated by the left’s current favored client class of transgenderists.

Wart’s the Point?
These very same witch-loving “feminists” in far-left parties like the Greens are also the ones habitually championing the supposed “right” of cross-dressing males to enter female spaces. Interestingly, cross-dressing was once considered a possible diagnostic sign of witchcraft, as with Joan of Arc (now misleadingly reclaimed as a transgender sorceress named Joe), showing that these ideologues really are of the Devil’s party without knowing it, just like Milton.

It’s always very easy to offer up meaningless, consequence-free apologies for the misdeeds of distant ancestors you disown from your own nation’s past, but offering up apologies for the misdeeds of people you support from your own political present is rather more difficult—hence a sudden “feminist”-powered rash of performative calls for pardons to be issued to deceased witches unjustly persecuted back during the Middle Ages.

This has happened in Catalonia and Connecticut, as well as in Massachusetts, where a female victim of the Salem witch panic was formally exonerated in 2022, surely a development of great comfort to her blackened skeleton.

Diabolical Fools
The global center of all this needless estrogen-soaked virtue signaling is Scotland, home of Lady Macbeth and the Weird Sisters, where more witches were executed per capita than anywhere else in Europe.

Today things are far different in fair Caledonia, where the magical pendulum has now swung so far the other way that the nation was formally run by a wicked witch between 2014 and 2023 in the repulsive guise of Nicola Sturgeon, hard-left First Minister of Scotland for the Scottish National Party.

On International Women’s Day 2022, the wizened dwarfish crone courted her core identitarian coven vote by issuing a formal apology upon behalf of the entire Scottish government for this “egregious historic injustice” to all those long-buried Scottish witches who no longer had any ears to hear it. As Sturgeon’s speech explained, these wronged individuals “were not witches, they were people, and they were overwhelmingly women.”

This is perfectly true: 85 percent of hanged or burned Scottish witches were indeed female. Which, coincidentally enough, is today probably the approximate ratio of women to men inside the average Scottish women’s prison, schoolgirls’ locker room, or female public toilet, thanks to absurdly lenient domestic Gender Recognition legislation allowing mad male warlocks wearing black tattered dresses and pointy hats to waltz inside them more or less at will.

The main champion of pushing through such infernal laws? Nicola “First Feminist” Sturgeon, a true Hellish Nell if ever there was one.

The Kilt of Guilt
Sturgeon issued her 2022 apology in direct response to a prolonged campaign to do something futile from a group called Witches of Scotland. The two founders aren’t even real witches themselves, but something far worse: a human rights lawyer and a left-wing writer and educator.

The duo’s main efforts seem mainly limited to writing a misandrist-sounding new book, How to Kill a Witch: A Guide for the Patriarchy, and commissioning someone to design a special pro-witch brand of tartan, with incredibly profound and moving symbolic colors on it: “Black and gray represent the dark times and the ashes of those who were persecuted.” The tartan’s slogan is “When you wear it, you wear remembrance.” They’re getting confused with poppies, I think.

The tartan was crowdfunded, with £140,000 raised from ordinary Scots, all of whom chose option No. 4 online when confronted with a direct choice about what the best good cause to donate their precious groats toward might have been:

(1) Babies with cancer
(2) Legless war veterans
(3) Blind homeless people
(4) Knitting a big fat conscience kilt

Just for comparison, the cost of a single intensive care ward ventilator unit for a U.K. hospital is £20,000. They could have bought five of those and still had £40,000 left over to blow on magic stripe-y skirt things. So why didn’t they? Because ventilators won’t help smash the patriarchy, that’s why.

To Bear a Grudge
In June 2020, Claire Mitchell, the main human rights lawyerette driving the Witches of Scotland campaign, was declared “Lawyer of the Month” by scottishlegal.com, proudly explaining how she entered the world of lawyering in the first place driven purely by the prospect of “helping people right wrongs that have been committed against them.” Serious wrongs like a single mother who couldn’t afford to pay her Scottish Council Tax being raped by big hairy trannies in a prison toilet? No, trivial “wrongs” like not being able to see any statues with visible genitalia that look exactly like your own do.

Skipping (it’s what girls do) through Princes Street Gardens in Edinburgh one day while thinking about kittens and licking a big pink lollipop, Mitchell happened to realize that, of all the statues erected there, not a single one possessed a vagina; all were male. Even the park’s sole animal sculpture, of a creature called Wojtek the Bear, “who had done great things in the Second World War,” was a he-bear, not a she-bear.

Surely persons who menstruate deserved their own memorial, if a sodding bear with a dick did. But which persons who menstruate in particular? How about witches? They’d do.

They were all female (apart from the 15 percent who weren’t, who could just fuck off), they were the victims of a universally male judiciary (as were all the male criminals who were condemned to hang by the exact same “sexist” male judges too), and there were thousands of them who had been slaughtered down the years, thus enabling this all to be portrayed as a program of misogynistic femicide on a colossal scale, whether it was or was not.

The Witch of Bendor
Mitchell’s fellow “quarrelsome dame” in this quest is writer and educator Zoe Venditozzi, who says, “Anybody that argues there wasn’t a misogynistic, anti-women agenda [to old-time witch hunts] is mental and clearly a man.”

“Only someone in possession of a penis” would look at the 85 percent female figure for executed witches in medieval-era Scotland and not spy misogyny, Venditozzi argued. But surely in Nicola Sturgeon-era Scotland, “someone in possession of a penis” can actually be a woman, can’t they? At least legally. Arcane human-rights-law-derived Gender Recognition spells say they can, anyhow, which is how we end up with bizarre conjurations like a grown adult male murderer inhabiting a Scottish women’s prison pretending to be a tiny female baby, complete with state-supplied costume and nappy. What I want to know is which other biologically male inmate was pretending to breastfeed him?

Obviously, women really are still being oppressed in contemporary Scotland, then. Venditozzi certainly thinks so. Thanks to the continued influence of the patriarchy, “We’re maybe not still setting women on fire, but we’re losing some of the gains we’ve made in the last half a century,” she added.

Is she bravely criticizing trans rights here, and by implication Nicola Sturgeon? Unlikely. Looking it up, I find Zoe has written a novel involving a trans piano teacher, and once helped edit an affirming guide for queer and trans teens called Coming Out: Stories From LGBT Young People for Dundee & Angus College.

Claire Mitchell, meanwhile, has specifically compared her campaign to get dead witches pardoned to a previous successful queer crusade to overturn the convictions of gay men prosecuted for bumming one another in Britain’s past, when such games of hide-the-broomstick were still very much illegal.

Rowling in Their Own Filth
I don’t think either professional complainer with ovaries has specifically gone on the record in regards to their explicit position on trans rights. But approaching Nicola Sturgeon for help in achieving an apology or pardon for dead sorceresses in 2022, when controversy over her own dark Gender Recognition goetia was at its absolute inescapable height, would probably be something any true self-respecting “gender-critical feminist” would have been unlikely to have done.

One prominent Scotswoman famously not on the gender shifters’ side is J.K. Rowling, whose Harry Potter novels only ever feature female spell-casters wielding artificial handheld wands, not full-blown fleshy pink ones. And for this she has been treated by Scotland’s rainbow-captured left like a traitor to her entire sex, when more properly she is the precise reverse.

Ironically, the latter-day Isobel Gowdie that is Rowling specifically claims to have been treated like a witch. In 2020, the very year the Witches of Scotland campaign was hatched by a crybaby barrister catching a brief glimpse of a small granite bear penis in a park, Rowling posted a now-famous image of herself wearing a defiant T-shirt reading “THIS WITCH DOESN’T BURN,” unlike her books in the hands of hissy-fit Scottish queertards.

Indeed, J.K. has actually been burned as a witch in print, in the trash hit 2022 novel Manhunt, which is by a trans “woman” about trans “women”—ones who hunt TERFs like Rowling, ultimately roasting her alive in her own castle (the author seems to think she lives in one, much as he probably reckons Tolkien lived in a hobbit hole and Jules Verne in a spaceship).

Stake-Holder Politics
If true feminists prefer to take up the cause of a literal wronged present-day female witch, meanwhile, rather than a mere figurative one like Rowling, they could always side with Angela Howard, an aspirant enchantress ejected from a magical initiation course by the U.K. Pagan Federation earlier this year for refusing to agree with their leadership that “trans women are women, trans men are men, and all nonbinary genders are valid.”

On what grounds? Reportedly, the cult’s ancient gods had told them so: “The gods and spirits we work with teach us that transformation, identity, and embodiment are part of the spiritual path.” With “theological” attitudes that pathetically left-wing, the U.K. Pagan Federation should really join up with the Church of England.

Howard was in the middle of completing an online course to become a druidic bard, she says (enlightenment occurs electronically nowadays), when access to the necessary magical modules was suddenly and cruelly withdrawn from her. To lefty druids today, “Getafix” is evidently just another word for a penis removal operation, one probably performed with a golden sickle.

This unwarranted expulsion, Angela said, represented “a kind of spiritual witch hunt.” The wannabe witch-pardoners of the left are in a way quite correct, then: Wicca women in the West really are still being burned alive at the stake, even today. But by them, not the so-called “patriarchy.”

What a bunch of stupid witches.