GOP

Stuck in the Past

November 22, 2013

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The Breakers, Palm Beach

The whole event was very stuffy. Our posse was the Island of Misfit Toys, and we made our way to the Ponce de Leon room for our “€œChanging the Narrative”€ panel. James O”€™Keefe showcased his most recent videos that make clear Obamacare’s real agenda is increasing the size of government, registering more Democrats, and scamming the system.

Sonnie Johnson was a breath of fresh air. Instead of buttoning up and acting like a well-behaved Negro, she delivered a balls-out sermon arguing that the ghetto had an innate libertarian nature. She quoted Jay-Z lyrics as proof that rap was all about capitalism. She said her crackhead mother was living proof the welfare system does more harm than good. She said she knows firsthand what big government does to the poor. I”€™ve never seen anything like it and highly recommend checking her out.

“€œI”€™m a liberal,”€ I explained to a banquet hall full of mostly old-timers. I then explained that I”€™m against sexism so I speak out against Islam. I”€™m against homophobia so I mock countries such as Uganda that make it illegal. I”€™m against racism so I criticize institutions that make it worse for blacks such as the welfare state and the promotion of single motherhood. I”€™m also for human rights which is why, like 51% of women in America, I”€™m pro-life. “€œUnfortunately,”€ I added, “€œliberals changed the rules and abandoned all these fights when they became unfashionable.”€

I then reiterated what everyone on the panel seemed to agree on. One, the right needs to get over gay marriage. Rush Limbaugh admits that battle has been lost and even Bill O”€™Reilly says gay-marriage proponents have a good argument. Let’s let it go. Us straights are not exactly setting a great example when it comes to the tradition. Two, the drug war is another lost cause. To ostracize libertarians because they smoke pot is to let the GOP die of old age. No matter how you feel about the ethical use of legal drugs such as Adderall and illegal drugs such as speed (they”€™re both the same thing, by the way), it’s time to wave the white flag. Third, though tradition has many wonderful things worth fighting for, including everything from family values to wearing suits, let’s stop bitching about petty things like rap music. When old conservatives talk about music I”€™m bored by their love of Motown and 60s soul. It’s Sambo music. In fact, when Curtis Mayfield had the courage to stop singing doo-wop and start his own label, several radio stations banned him.

I ended my talk with optimism. I told them I work with young people who weren”€™t brainwashed by the same old liberal-arts tropes. They grew up in the information age and refuse to believe everything is racist. I told them about artists and musicians who confessed they secretly read libertarian sites and were ready to come out of the non-liberal closet.

This is when things got weird. I told them the biggest problem with older conservatives is they”€™re too pessimistic and have given up. This statement got a roar of applause. Apparently old people are just as sick of the curmudgeons. In the end, how you feel about the GOP’s future is irrelevant. The old ways aren”€™t working, so you can get with the program or die of old age. It’s up to you.

 

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