Ape Bridge, Century City, Los Angeles

Did I ever tell you my favorite memory from the George Floyd riots of 2020? I live-tweeted about it at the time, but since my X account was nuked, I suppose I can tell the tale again here.

To set the scene…

I’ve written many times about Century City, the mega-wealthy neighborhood (like so much of L.A., like Venice and Hollywood, it’s not actually a city) that adjoins Beverly Hills. I grew up within walking distance of Century City, and many of my fondest memories are there. And probably the best thing about Century City is that you have to live here to know about it. When I’ve mentioned the place in the past and readers from other states have said, “Cenchuree Cidy? Whud’s THAT?” my response is, “Exactly, Cletus.”

Along with sporting the “mall nobody can afford” (a mall that in the 1970s catered to old ladies but today sells nothing but diamonds and Cybertrucks), Century City is also home to the high-rise HQs of every movie studio, TV network, and talent agency. Not the “lots”—lingo lesson: The “lot” or “backlot” is where things are actually filmed, the only places on earth where Natalie Portman rubs elbows with ass-scratching teamsters. But no, Century City is where the corporate offices are, where nothing is filmed but everything is decided. Where Sheldon Schmuckelstein looks at market research and decides which Marvel character to blow $300 million on next.

When the Century City mall was built in the 1960s, it was such an architectural wonder, 20th Century Fox used it as the “city of the future” in the fourth Planet of the Apes movie, 1972’s Conquest of the Planet of the Apes.

That’s the “origin story” film in which a plague wipes out every dog and cat, so humans begin keeping apes as pets instead. And you know what? When I first saw that film as a kid I thought the plot was ridiculous—going from poodle to gorilla is zero-to-sixty. But now that I’ve spent 56 years living among you people, I get it. Yeah, you totally would say, “My cat died. I think I’ll buy a chimpanzee because I saw one on TikTok.”

The Century City mall has changed so much since 1972, almost nothing remains of what’s seen in the “future city” of the Apes film.

Almost nothing.

Ape Bridge remains.

“Ape Bridge” is the pedestrian walkway that connects the mall to the corporate HQs. And as it’s too small for retail or condos, developers have let the bridge be, for sixty years. In the Conquest film, this is the bridge that the rebellious apes storm at the climax as they overtake the humans. The bridge is the final obstacle on the ape path to total domination. The storming of the bridge and the slaughter of the human soldiers is the movie’s big finish.

So in 2020, after BLM sacked the Beverly Hills shopping district and forever killed any Democrat hopes here (a day known locally as “when the city went redder than a baboon’s ass”), the talent agencies in Century City, mere blocks from the area BLM destroyed, decided that the best way to deal with the rampaging thugs was to engage them, pander to them, make ’em think “we’re on your side.”

And yes, that’s how you’d calm a toddler. But toddlers are innocent humans with undeveloped minds. BLMs are violent monsters with diseased minds. Totally different dynamic.

Sadly, talent agent Sheldon Schmuckelstein didn’t understand that. Plus, he was being pressured by his high-powered actor clients to MAKE A STATEMENT against racism, cops, and whites in general. So all the talent agencies in all the high-rises decided to host a BLM rally right in the heart of Century City.

And I was like, “Oh God, no, you’re bringing them here? You’re literally inviting them to the one pristine part of the city they likely don’t know about? You fucking kikes!” I wasn’t worried about violence. That week the National Guard (called in after the Beverly Hills sacking) had secured the mall and the residential areas. D’Quandriuss wasn’t gonna confront no tank. I just didn’t want LaStankbooté to even know about this place. Because eventually the Guard was gonna leave, but the people who instinctively case joints would return.

So on June 6, 2020, the talent agencies held their rally, and the worst dregs of South Central showed up. And while I don’t recall the exact content of the speeches, I think it went something like this:

Sheldon: “Oygen schleboygin oy RAYCISM oy DIVERSITY oygenglaybin.”

BLM: “UNGABUNGA! UNGABUNGA!”

Sheldon: “Guhflaygin schlumechtaglaybin INCLUSION gahflaybin.”

BLM: “BUNGA! ABUNGA! OOGA-GABLOOGA!”

Sheldon: “DEFUND THE GLAYBIN!”

BLM: “ALOOOOOOGA-BALOOOOOGA!!!!!”

I should add a disclaimer that my memory of those speeches might be slightly colored by my pathological hatred of the parties involved.

The BLM thugs were well-behaved, of course, because the Guard was right there, standing on tanks. So there was no violence (there’s never a Kent State when you need one). And of course the Jewish talent agents knew that they were safe. Holding a BLM rally while surrounded by guys in camo holding automatic weapons is kind of like when the movie studios would tell the actor playing Tarzan, “Don’t worry—the lion’s been drugged with tranks and there’s five men with elephant guns standing right over there in case anything goes wrong.”

So after the speeches were given, the Oygenflaygins led the BLMs on a “peace march”…to Ape Bridge. It was the fucking funniest thing I’d ever seen in my life, because the BLMs had no idea that they were being funneled onto the bridge where actual literal apes had “battled for their rights” against their human superiors in a 1972 film. And to be honest, I’m not even sure the Flaygins were doing it on purpose. Most were likely too young to even remember that 1972 movie. But there they were, leading a march of disgruntled blacks across a bridge made famous in a film in which monkeys rebel against humans. The best jokes are the ones that are on everybody. And an ostensibly anti-racist rally doing the most racist thing imaginable is one hell of a great joke.

As I said, I live-tweeted this as it was happening.

Days after Ape Bridge on the River Kwanzaa, the talent agencies agreed to DEI “quotas” to ensure that no longer would Americans be plagued by the foul image of pretty blonde women. From now on, if a movie or streaming series didn’t star the fat girl from Precious, it wouldn’t be made! At the same time, the agencies pledged to DEFUND THE POLICE (guhflaygin). Sure, Tom Cruise and other A-listers would still get armed security on set, but the rest of us? NO COPS EVER!

Ape Bridge was crossed, and as in the movie, the revolution was complete.

That was five years ago.

Where are we now?

Well…last month The Hollywood Reporter confirmed what all of us here already knew: DEI in Hollywood is dead. Gone. To summarize the trade pub’s accurate conclusions, the BLM/DEI quotas initiated in 2020 coincided with Covid lockdowns and the associated boom in streaming consumption. In other words, Hollywood made the “everything must star Precious” pledge at a time when Americans were forced to stay home watching streaming.

You can feed a captive audience anything.

But it ain’t 2020 anymore. And it hasn’t been 2020 since 2021. Turns out, post-Covid, Americans weren’t that keen on staying home to watch actresses who make Whoopi Goldberg look passable play heroic lawyers who battle racism. As Hollywood struggles with its worst downturn in decades (which I covered here, here, and here), all the “oygenglaybinism” from 2020 is out the window. It was easy for the talent agents to make those promises at a time when Americans were trapped in their homes. But those high-IQ Hollywood Ashkenazis, my people, my blood, my glaybins, didn’t have the foresight to look ahead, to see beyond the moment.

It’s not for nothing that seven years ago in this very column I coined the term “rabbinical Rain Men.” High-IQ idiots.

And there’s been a very special comeuppance for one of the agents who organized that Ape Bridge rally.

Jay Sures is vice-chair of United Talent Agency, one of the agencies that invited BLM into Century City that day in 2020. His clients have included Johnny Depp, Angelina Jolie, Harrison Ford, Gwyneth Paltrow, Channing Tatum, Anthony Hopkins, Barbra Streisand, Seth Rogen, Benedict Cumberbatch, Bryan Cranston, Kate Beckinsale, Mark Ruffalo, and human-alien hybrid Cynthia Erivo.

Sures, a proud Jew, is a staunch defender of Israel, and, as a member of the University of California Board of Regents, he’s spoken out against pro-Hamas groups on campus.

Last month a mob of “multicultural” pro-Palestinian protesters trashed his multimillion-dollar Brentwood home, busting windows, smearing the place with feces, and writing death threats on the wall in blood (because the best way for Palestinians to show that they’re not a death cult is to mimic the Manson family).

Sures’ wife was chased from the home and trapped in her car as the protesters pounded on the windows demanding her death (and for the first time ever a Jewish woman discovered a fate worse than fellatio).

Sures responded by calling for more police protection for Jews…conveniently forgetting that 2020 rally he co-organized where he called for police defunding. His agency had even tweeted the work of a far-left black “scholar” who demands total police abolishment.

This is the arrogance of people like Sures. In 2020, protected by the National Guard, he stood with thugs, vandals, and anti-white extremists, and proclaimed, “I will support you! I’ll keep you safe from KILLER COPS who seek to suppress your looty rioty self-expression.”

Now, shorn of the protection of men with tanks and realizing that to blacks an Ashkenazi is just a white man with a fucked-up nose (and to Muslims an Ashkenazi is far worse than a white man), he screams, “Oy! Oy! Police, help me (glaaaaybin)!”

Dude, the talent agency you head literally posted on Instagram in June 2020, “Abolish the police.”

Didn’t think that would come back to bite you in the ass, huh?

Well, in a way it didn’t, as L.A.’s smarter Jews—the moneyed and influential Persians and Orthodox—didn’t defund the cops, and L.A. as a whole, from the Mexicans who blow leaves to the Jewesses who blow nothing—booted Gascon/Soros from the DA’s office. So yeah, cops did save Sures and his wife. And yeah, ending the DEI quotas and allowing blonde girls to have roles again in movies and streaming might save Sures’ business.

I’d love to end this column by saying something like, “And so the lessons of 2020 were learned by all, and nobody ever made those idiotic errors again and everyone lived happily ever after.”

But that would be the Hollywood ending, and Hollywood endings, on screen, are never realistic, while Hollywood endings in real life are always imbecilic.

Fade to black…the end.