March 26, 2023
The Week’s Most Toxical, Paradoxical, and Equinoxical Headlines
WAIL, WAIL, THE GANG’S ALL HERE
Remember when America’s “backyard” mattered? When people were obsessed with nations like El Salvador, Nicaragua, and Panama?
Well, who needs that anymore? Not with Ukraine being the new center of the universe.
But just because the world’s forgotten about El Salvador doesn’t mean El Salvador’s forgotten about the world. Salvadoran president Nayib Bukele is trying to teach the world a lesson.
The lesson? George Soros should be shot out of a cannon into the sun.
Bukele is the anti-Soros, the anti-Bragg, the anti-Gascon. He governs with an iron fist and one iron-clad rule: If you permanently imprison violent offenders, societal violence decreases. Over the past year, he’s rounded up hordes of Salvadoran gangbangers—terrorists who for decades have murdered their own with impunity and sometimes murdered here with impunity—and he’s shut ’em away for life in Supermax-style prisons, pledging that they’ll never get out for any reason. No appeals, no new trials.
There’ll be no Salvadoran retried beans.
A whopping 65,000 Churly Browns have been locked away, and a new Supermax has just opened, capable of holding 40,000 more.
And the result? In less than a year El Salvador’s murder rate fell 57 percent.
And leftists are sad indeed. The Guardian admitted that though the crackdown has “broken the gangs” and brought “extraordinary change” and “peace” to what was once known as “the most violent place on earth,” the paper claims that “the cure is worse than the disease.” Bukele has abrogated the “human rights” of murderers by taking away their right to murder.
Don’t laugh; Soros makes that exact argument in dozens of U.S. cities.
With El Salvador no longer “the violentest place on earth,” that title will now go to Disney World due to constant brawls in the Magic Kangdom.
THE INVISIBLE HAM
And speaking of fast-food aficionados…
In The Shawshank Redemption, Andy tells Red, “Remember, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.”
To which Red replies, “Yeah, but fries can get cold. Where’s your hope now, Dufresne? Where’s your precious hope now?”
In this week’s edition of “Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce, special order, don’t upset us. If you do you will regret us: We’ll blow you away,” we start in Cocoa, Florida (a name that kinda asks for trouble), with Quavi Young, who, based on her mug shot, may actually be Lori Lightfoot in exile.
Quavi pulled up to a McDonald’s drive-through and demanded food that’s not on the menu. Perhaps she was confused about where she was, or maybe she’d attended one-too-many “diversity seminars” and saw herself as so magical, her wishes alone could conjure up cooking.
Probably that, because when the cashier informed Quavi that they didn’t carry what she was looking for, the irate customer displayed her black girl dreckcellence by pulling out a gun and threatening to shoot everybody. She was mollified when the cashier gave her an empty bag and assured her that the food was in there, she just couldn’t see it.
The tragic part? The invisible fries were cold.
Meanwhile, six young traffic light inventors at a juvenile detention center in Washington rioted last week. Armed with shanks, the “children” (including one doing time for second-degree murder) took over their sleeping “cottage,” barricading the doors and threatening to set fire to mattresses to burn the place down (with them inside…now, there’s the genius that gave us peanut butter).
The rioters’ sole demand?
McDonald’s. That’s not a joke.
As the standoff dragged on, cops flew in Quavi Young to tell the kids that if you’re gonna use violence to demand food, make sure it’s invisible food.
The kids complied, conjuring up imaginary McDonald’s.
And once again, the fries were cold.
Some races can’t catch a break.
CANDY-COATED CAVERNOUS CRANIUMS
Remember when government-backed cracked-eggheads tried to convince Americans that the rise in crime in 2020–2021 was due to Covid, not police defunding and Soros DAs? And remember when they tried to convince you that the BLM riots had reduced Covid spread?
You probably thought it couldn’t get dumber than that, right?
Folks, it can always get dumber.
The governmental child abusers who stopped all schooling, forced children to be masked for two years, tied masks to babies, called kids “disease vectors” whose presence would kill teachers, shut down parks and playgrounds, criminalized outdoor play dates, kept kids locked at home, and shot them up with unneeded vaccines, have decided that the surge they’re seeing in children with mental health issues has nothing to do with them!
Yes, the perpetrators of pandemic atrocities—the child-tormenting government, teachers’ union, and “child psychologist” hacks—have a new mascot: “Not Me” from Family Circus.
School districts in some of the most lockdown-heavy states, including California, New York, and Washington, are filing suit against social media companies for causing the child mental health and behavioral issues crisis the nation’s experiencing.
Take a moment to appreciate that: The people who barred children from school, forced them online, and locked them in their homes with their gadgets and platforms, are now blaming the gadgets and platforms and not the fact that children were prohibited from healthier activities.
It can’t get dumber than that, right?
Welcome to California, where legislators are about to ban Skittles because they claim the red dye is what’s causing child behavioral problems.
This is the same California where the largest school district showed children a video by a lunatic black “nutritionist” who claims candy’s just as healthy as vegetables, and saying otherwise is racist.
But now it’s the Skittles’ fault!
Trayvon Martin died on the grass for your right to eat Skittles. Perhaps BLM can burn down the CA legislature and for once do something constructive.
Good news for Jews! A new poll shows that “Judaism is the most favorably-viewed religion in the United States.”
The poll was conducted by the Béla Kun-Eugen Leviné Institute for Shooting Anyone Who Doesn’t Like Jews, so the results aren’t surprising.
Just kidding…the poll of 10,588 U.S. adults was conducted by Pew.
Jews were No. 1, with a favorability rating of +28. Catholics and mainline Protestants were next in the likability factor. Rounding out the bottom with the lowest favorability numbers were Mormons, atheists, and Muslims.
The poll’s author wanted to add a disclaimer, explaining that Muslim unfavorability comes from racist disinformation about Muslims being violent and intolerant, but a Muslim beheaded him before he could write it.
There’s an old saying: “Give the Jews heaven and they’ll hang pictures of hell on the walls.” Here’s a newer one: “Give a Jew a free five-course meal at a deli and he’ll sigh, ‘You couldn’t spare a few more pickles?’”
The ADL responded to the poll’s good news by claiming that the results are skewed because anyone who answered “not sure” regarding their views of Jews is obviously a Nazi and anyway “having positive feelings about Jews would not preclude a person from holding ‘dark beliefs’ about a Jewish cabal or global conspiracy.”
So that +28 favorability rating is likely much lower.
You gotta admit, it’s refreshing to see a Jewish org actually try to reduce inflated numbers for once.
The ADL pledged to “work together” with Pew on the next poll (which means “We’ll run it”), so that Americans will appear more Nazi, to which Pew replied, “Why do we even bother trying to make Jews happy?”
“Mormons got terrible news and they brought us green Jell-O and thanked us for our hard work!”
Regarding political parties, Jews got better ratings from Republicans than Democrats.
When asked why the numbers weren’t broken down by race, which would likely explain the disparity, the president of Pew yelled, “I give up!” and jumped out a window.
PLAN B (SHOT)
Sometimes you work on a plan for days…weeks…years. You meticulously seek out flaws, anything that could possibly go wrong.
And then you have it—the perfect plan!
American schools are experiencing “honor student” issues. In Virginia last January, a 6-year-old boy kept telling his white teacher that he was going to murder her. First he wanted to set her on fire, then he decided to shoot her. Oh, and he was also beating up other kids. The child has not been identified, but Reddit sleuths claim he’s black. And one day, the kid brought a gun to school, the admins knew it, and they did nothing. Assistant Principal Ebony Parker (guess her race) was like, “Dat boy just espressin’ his’self.”
And the kid shot the white teacher in the face.
Gary Killman in Diff’rent Trigger Strokes.
Then, in February, in Florida, a 6-foot-6 270-pound “child” head-stomped his white female teacher into a coma for taking away his videogame in class. In that case, the school, knowing the developmental giant’s proclivity for violence, had enrolled him in “special ed” to quell his killer instincts.
So this month, when 17-year-old Colorado cool cat Austin Lyle started making gun threats to his classmates (he was already on probation for gun crimes), his school was like, “We’re not gonna make the mistakes of Virginia and Florida.”
They came up with the perfect plan: Every day when Austin arrived at school, he’d be patted down by two unarmed deans.
There’s literally no flaw in that.
Oh, wait, Austin had a gun. He drew it and shot the deans.
The deans survived, but Austin dispatched himself to Wakanda in a nearby field.
The school’s pledged that all future troubled-student pat-downs will be done by armed officers.
Now, that’s a plan.