Rachel Zegler as Snow White

Source: Disney

The Week’s Most Archy, Starchy, and Ides of Marchy Headlines

DOG POUNDED
Last week was a complicated one for blacks and dogs.

First to Pittsburg. No, not Pittsburgh. That’s in Pennsylvania. Pittsburg is in California, in the San Francisco Bay Area. Pittsburg used to be heavily black, which is why, unlike its PA counterpart, the “h” was removed. Because nothing in a black city is silent. These days, Pittsburg is only 15 percent black, with Hispanics comprising a near majority.

Needless to say, racial discord has divided the blacks and beans, making Pittsburg worse than Pittsburgh, a fate previously thought impossible.

Last week big fat mamma Susie Ashy—sorry, Ashley—went joyriding on Hispanic gentleman Albert Lopes’ front lawn, grinding his grass and crushing his flowers.

If you want to make a Mexican mad, force him to do yard work on his day off.

Lopes yelled at mamma Ashley, which apparently offended her. Because if reparations mean anything, it’s the right to turn a beaner’s florist lawn into Forest Lawn. When Ashley told her daughter and granddaughter—Lagashia Williams and Graciela Amar—that Lopes dun offended her, they marched to Lopes’ house and threatened him with a gun as he was cleaning up the damage. And when he didn’t back down, Amar kicked Lopes’ tiny 10-year-old dog Gigi so hard, the poor animal went crashing into a wall.

The incident was caught on a Ring cam. On the local news, Ashley defended her granddaughter, and this is an exact transcript of her words: “He had upsetted me. My granddaughter kicked da dog out da way. Da dog was comin’ toward her!”

Gigi is a miniature breed, barely larger than a football. Not much of a threat “comin’ toward ya,” but then again, if Pittsburgh has its Steelers, Pittsburg needs something to compete, and dog-punting seems to be what its San Francisco (gentle) Giants are capable of.

GIVE THE DOG A BONEYARD
This takes us to Las Vegas and D’Andre Lamonte Owens. And this one gets complicated.

Last year a woman was found shot in the side of the head in a Vegas hotel room.

Yet another reason to avoid the Nguyễn Ngọc Loan Hotel and Casino.

Witnesses said the deceased, Brittani Bailey, entered the room with a random man. And while authorities didn’t confirm that Bailey was one of the Strip’s legendary hookers, her photos are so whorey you’ll get syphilis just looking at them.

The killer was D’Andre Owens, but this wasn’t his only murder. East of Vegas lies Frenchman Mountain, and apparently it’s become the place for local blacks to dump dead dogs. Why? Maybe a sense that any mountain named “Frenchman” should stink to high heaven. Owens was one of the dog-dumpers. And for some reason, as if he needed one, he decided to lure a white man there to murder.

Multiculturalism not only degrades the French, it disfavors their namesake mountains.

Edward Kukish was lured to the mountain by Owens with the promise of work. Owens had posted a Craigslist ad looking for someone to help clean up the filthy mountain. Kukish responded, and once on the mountain, Owens shot Kukish in the head. When his body was found, the rectum was missing.

Owens’ Craigslist ad promised “WATERS AND LUNCH PROVIDED.” Apparently he meant John Waters, which explains where the rectum went.

Last week Vegas authorities connected both murders to Owens. And while there’s no justice for the dead dogs, there is some small satisfaction…because also last week in Vegas, a black felon fleeing the cops kicked his way into the apartment of a white couple, and their tiny 10-year-old Maltipoo ran at the guy and chased his “feets don’t fails me now” ass out of the building.

The video of the thug fleeing when a mini-dog barks at him will make your weekend.

Some dogs play fetch, some step in fetchit.

ÓRALE!
With so much anger in the media these days over Trump and DOGE sacking government employees, there’s a deceased Mexican in Houston who wishes his “sacking” had been figurative.

58-year-old Charles Roy Rodriguez was a registered sex offender, convicted of assaulting a 31-year-old woman in 2001. Last week, after Rodriguez died of natural causes, his body was sent to Memorial Mortuary to be embalmed and fitted with a tiny sombrero, as is the custom for Mexican open caskets.

Two weeks ago The Week That Perished detailed the exploits of a black-run funeral home in Maryland in which the female owner let corpses stack up at room temperature in cardboard boxes. Hard to believe a story like that can be topped, but Memorial owner and director Amber Laudermilk, also a black woman, said hold my…well, it wasn’t a beer.

Upon receiving Rodriguez’s corpse and learning that he was a registered sex offender (damn, Megan…your law even follows molesters into the afterlife), Laudermilk took a scalpel to Rodriguez’s privates, removed his churro and beans, and placed them in his mouth.

Turns out it’s illegal to abuse a corpse, even that of a sex offender.

Laudermilk is in custody. A judge ordered that she may not, under any circumstances, have any contact with dead bodies.

In 24 percent black Houston, that would keep Laudermilk out of all fast-food establishments, where dead bodies are more common than Happy Meals.

Meanwhile, Rodriguez’s family held the open-casket funeral all the same, with mourners pointing out how even in death he kept his mischievous sense of humor.

“He’s sticking his tongue out!” his mamacita gleefully remarked.

HOLLYWOOD GAGA FOR MAGA
Sunset Gower is a legendary studio in the heart of Hollywood. Many classic films were shot there: It Happened One Night, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, Funny Girl, and The Caine Mutiny. But forget Sunset Gower—Hollywood’s now become Sunset cower. In what The Wall Street Journal calls “the Trump effect,” Hollywood, shaken and stirred by Trump’s victory and scared to death that the cultural tide’s turned red, is desperately trying to cater to MAGAs.

Studio and network execs are killing all shows that might be seen as too leftist. So yes, sadly, that means the Netflix biopic of Marie Curie starring Gabourey Sidibe (costarring Don Cheadle as Radium Jackson) is gone, as are the streaming shows in which a black woman looks at the camera with a noble expression for an hour (this is gonna hit the industry hard, as those shows were insanely cheap to shoot).

Streamers are now replacing woke content with Tim Allen.

For conservatives, that’s as Pyrrhic as a victory gets.

Meanwhile…Walt Disney died in December 1966 of cancer. And yet amazingly that tumor isn’t the worst to befall his company. Disney’s scaled back the release this month of its much-maligned Snow White live-action reboot. With star Rachel Zegler having wished death on Trump supporters and Israelis, and with her costar Gal Gadot being an Israeli, and with Disney having buckled to midwidget Peter Dinklage to not hire actual dwarfs for the dwarfs (Dinklage lives his life like tiny Highlander: There can be only one!), Snow White, with its trailer sporting the highest downvote ratio in YouTube history, is a worse liability than that black mass on Walt’s cancerous lung.

Disney plans to premiere the film to no public spectacle, with no media invited except the Hamas guy who videoed the murder of Jewish babies (he’s Zegler’s official biographer). Disney spent $240 million on a Snow White reboot starring a refried bean who hates the source material, hates Trump, and hates Jews, and if the studio’s lucky, it might make back $6 million (and Zegler will surely insist that number’s inflated).

To be fair, Disney has learned from its errors. As the owners of the Muppets, Disney is prepping a Snuffleupagus feature film starring Jeremy Boreing’s toupee.

POT CALLING THE KETTLE ZULU
Jazz aficionados always speak of “the notes you don’t hear.” But in journalism, especially “respectable” journalism, you’re actually supposed to hear the notes. As in, a good reporter’s supposed to present the facts up front and in a straightforward manner. You know, the “who what when where why?” (or as the L.A. Times owner, Chinaman Patrick Soon-Shiong, says, “HU WUT CHEN YU BUY OR LEAVE STORE!”).

So last week, when The Guardian reported that a nonprofit called “Civicus” has “added the U.S. to its international watchlist for rapid decline in civic freedoms,” ranking the U.S. alongside the Congo, Pakistan, and Serbia, there was a certain “who what” left out of the piece.

Who, what, exactly, is “Civicus”?

Because according to the org, Trump has plunged the U.S. into a nightmare of persecution and deprived rights.

Per The Guardian:

The group cited several of the administration’s actions such as the mass termination of federal employees, the appointment of Trump loyalists in key government positions, and the withdrawal from international efforts such as the World Health Organization.

That’s the setup, here’s the punchline: “Civicus” is headquartered in Johannesburg, South Africa.

Yes, the org that The Guardian cites as an authority on fighting authoritarian regimes is located in a nation in which authoritarianism is the norm.

“Mass termination of federal employees”? How about mass murder of white farmers?

“The appointment of Trump loyalists in key government positions”? South Africa is the world’s cronyism capital.

“The withdrawal from international efforts such as the World Health Organization”? The South African government still thinks you can cure AIDS by raping a nun.

Hence why The Guardian never states where “Civicus” is located. Guardian readers may be gullible, but even they know that South Africa is to “civic freedoms” what cats are to “mouse longevity.”