Brigitte Macron

Source: Bigstock

The Week’s Most Drooling, Cooling, and April Fooling Headlines

CONSTIPATION CAMP
Last week saw a Chicago-to-India flight that was forced to abort because the toilets became clogged and feces flooded the aisles.

Well, as the old saying goes, it’s feast or famine. Sometimes there’s too much poop…and sometimes there’s not enough.

This week on a United flight from Mexico to Houston, an Orthodox Jewish passenger apparently had a severe bout of constipation. Like, really severe.

Forget “brace for impact”; this flight had to brace for impacted.

As Yisroel Liebb of New Jersey struggled in the restroom, hoping to start a Tal-mudslide of Doo-teronomy Old Testament-style but only proving the New Testament correct that you can’t pass a camel through the eye of a needle, his fellow passengers were disturbed by the melodic screams emanating from the restroom.

When it came to expelling his waste, Liebb wasn’t so much a Cantor as a “Can’t-or,” and the restroom became a syna-gag as Liebb wrestled with the largest stone a Jew’s encountered since the one they’d used to block Jesus’ tomb.

In terms of Liebb’s anal tissue, this was the Shroud of Tearin’.

Not a joke: After thirty minutes of the entire cabin listening to Liebb try to escape from Poochenwald, the pilot kicked in the bathroom door and dragged Liebb, pants down and genitalia exposed, back to his seat.

Ironically in second class…the perfect spot for No. 2.

Liebb has, of course, filed suit. And if any good’s come from this, it’s proved once and for all that Candace Owens is wrong about Jews eating babies, because you can’t get constipation from a diet that high in fiber.

SCISSORED SISTERS
This year’s been a difficult one for Los Angeles’ lesbian fire captains.

Mind you, it’s been a bit harder for the 16,000 Angelenos displaced by the February wildfires. And harder still for the 29 Angelenos burned to a crisp. But this is L.A., and if you don’t see your initials in the LGBT acronym, you don’t matter.

So the other LGBTs—“Lit, Grilled, Burned, and Toasted”—can go ahead and shut up.

Back to the real victims: the lesbians. Last month L.A. mayor Karen Bass fired the city’s lesbian fire chief Kristin Crowley for not ensuring that there was adequate water in the city’s hydrants and reserves.

As if a dyke wasn’t gonna hold back water. It’s right there in the name.

Though dismissed from her top spot, Crowley’s union insisted that she retain a position at the LAFD. Apparently, you can’t fire a lesbian. Something to do with the Mufft-Hartley Act.

Meanwhile, last month L.A. fire captain Rebecca Marodi was stabbed to death by her wife, Yolanda. Turns out Yolanda had previously been convicted in the stabbing death of her husband, James Olejniczak, but she served less than a decade because a court ruled that the stabbing was justified as nobody should ever have to adopt a last name no human can pronounce.

So Marodi, the fire captain, married Yolanda, the murderess, and expected a different outcome. She married a woman who’d dealt with marital strife by filleting her spouse, and she was like, “I’m sure our domestic disputes won’t end the same way.”

And that’s why L.A. burned down. Not because of lesbians, but because of the dumbest lesbians on earth.

Needless to say, after their first domestic clash, Yolanda pulled out the ol’ rug cutter and stabbed Marodi multiple times. The dying captain is heard on the Ring cam pleading, “Yolanda, please! I don’t want to die!”

Which normally works on killers. Odd that this time it didn’t.

Yolanda went on the Yo-lam-da, but last week she was arrested in Mexico. She was immediately extradited to the U.S., making history as the only Mexican to actually want Trump to keep her out.

MARVELIN’ HAGGLER
Tranny-mania has made life difficult for celebrity hag wives. In the old days, if a handsome or successful male celebrity married a withered old bag, the talk would center on the husband. Maybe he’s gay. Maybe she has money. Maybe he’s such a man of character that he can find beauty in even the most shopworn of leather.

Take Ted Danson. When he came to fame in the early 1980s—tall, good-looking, personable, talented—Hollywood couldn’t get over the fact that he was married to the woman who lost out on the “where’s the beef” role because Wendy’s feared that her withered visage would put people off their food.

So, sure, Danson’s wife took a lot of shots from the press. But at least people were willing to cede that she was a woman. An ugly-ass Methuselah-looking old bat, but a biological woman.

And when Danson ended up leaving her for Whoopi Goldberg, everyone was like, “Oh, okay, he just likes ugly chicks.”

But again, the haters at least acknowledged that the chicks were chicks.

Ditto Matthew Broderick. Dude went to Easter Island, dug up one of the monolithic giant-headed statues, named it Sarah Jessica Parker, and married it. And while Parker does occasionally have to fend off Rapa Nuis who continually place offerings of fruit at her feet, the world, at least, acknowledges that she’s a woman.

But now, with trannies having blurred the line between what’s a woman and what’s not, ugly old hags are bearing the brunt of this new era of sexual suspicion. As per The Telegraph last week, the conspiracy theories surrounding Brigitte Macron, the zombified scarecrow taken as a bride by French president Emmanuel Macron, have become so widespread thanks to rightist “influencers” like Candace Owens and Tucker Carlson who claim that the French First Lady is trans, the beleaguered Ms. Macron is no longer seen as an ugly old female gorilla, but a man of rather refined features.

So is that better…or worse? A woman so homely she could be a man, or a man so delicate he could be a woman?

This is the struggle. Godspeed, hags.

THE BJ NO MAN WANTS
Everyone knows Ben & Jerry’s as the hippy-dippy left-wing overpriced purveyor of guar gum, carrageenan, and soy lecithin sweetened with chocolate and vanilla extract.

Always the first to virtue signal, B&J has routinely released special ice cream flavors to take advantage of a moment of progressive social upheaval. This has included Gorge Floyd (dark chocolate sprinkled with benzodiazepines to inhibit breathing), Pisstachio (in honor of Diddy and his sexual kinks), Dulce de Lecherous (in support of immigrant sex criminals from Guatemala), and of course Salines ’n’ Cream, an ode to abortion released after Roe was overturned.

But all is not well in Ben & Jerry-land. The company’s accusing its corporate parent, Unilever, of having fired the B&J CEO for his outspoken views. That CEO, David Stever, was removed and replaced following a series of pro-Palestinian and anti-Israel tweets, as well as tweets in support of Mahmoud Khalil, a Palestinian welfare-taking ingrate who was booted from the U.S. following multiple calls to exterminate Jews.

Because isn’t that what ice cream’s all about? Genocide?

The decision to remove Stever was Unilever’s to make, right or wrong. Maybe the hippies who run B&J shouldn’t have sold the company to a faceless British conglomerate in the first place. Still, while the choice of CEO might be Unilever’s, B&J retains all rights to decide which new flavors they manufacture.

So in honor of Khalil, next month the company will be unveiling Allahu Snackbar—baklava-flavored ice cream with just a hint of Semtex—and Martyramisu, a coffee-flavored pipe bomb.

Additionally, to make a statement against the brutal Jewish state, B&J will be releasing Cookies ’n’ Creamation, an Auschwitz-themed sherbet topped with crumbled Gestaporeo cookies (served in vanilla, chocolate, or Sobiberry). And of course Flan Frank, a creamy custard that has a habit of hiding undetected in your colon after you’ve consumed it. But don’t worry—a few scoops of Dutch chocolate will flush it out…though you may be saddled with the diarrhea of Flan Frank.

THE DEVIL, YOU SAY?
Remember when the IRS, under Trump, granted the Satanic Temple full 501(c)(3) protection as a recognized tax-exempt religious institution?

No?

Well, it happened, and satanists are thanking Trump by launching “hail Satan” clubs in schools nationwide.

Conservatives are urging Trump’s new IRS commissioner to reverse the 2019 decision. But some on the right are concerned that if the administration reneges on its deal with the devil, Steve Bannon will rapidly begin deteriorating like Dorian Gray, becoming a hideous mound of pussy pustuled deformed fatty flesh hanging loosely from a moldy cadaverous skeletal frame.

Wait…looks like the Devil never honored his part of that deal in the first place.

Meanwhile, in other school news…

At Beverly Hills High, blacks comprise only 2.5 percent of the student body. Following Trump’s victory in November, students in this red, heavily Persian city held pro-Trump celebration rallies in the middle of campus.

And how did Principal Drew Stewart respond? By mandating that in 2025 the white and Persian students would no longer be able to “congregate, circle up, shout, jump, etc.”

Had blacks at any school been told they can’t “congregate,” “jump,” and “shout,” Governor Newsom would’ve sent in the National Guard. The black students would’ve argued that banning shouting is denying them their birthright.

The Beverly High “shout, jump” ban was spearheaded by two black school officials, Bella Ivory and Laura Collins-Williams, who are both suing the district for “racism.”

So as of now at Beverly High, white kids can’t jump. Nor can Jews.

No word if the handful of blacks can at least jump the broom. After all, it’s tradition.