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The Week’s Most Papal-Votey, $1,000-Notey, and Gonna-Need-a-Bigger-Boaty Headlines

KARMELO: NEITHER CALM, NOR MELLOW
The ongoing online fundraiser for accused black teenage knife-killer Karmelo Anthony has now raised more than $500,000. His family has been criticized for blowing much of it on moving into a new house and surrounding it with security guards to protect themselves from constant death threats, but what were they supposed to do? They live with Karmelo Anthony—someone has to save them all from being murdered by him.

Anthony, you will recall, is accused of stabbing a white youth named Austin Metcalfe to death at a Texas high school track meet in April for reasons too retarded to relate. The only online fundraising site currently to permit cash to be raised for Karmelo’s cause is GiveSendGo, whose white cofounder Jacob Wells has unconvincingly defended his company’s decision upon the grounds that its main principle is that of “loving people even in the midst of very hard and dark places.”

Sadly, certain donors do not operate along similarly impeccable moral lines, bragging they have only sent the purported perp their cash in order to financially encourage further attacks on white people. One such white person specifically targeted for slaughter is now Wells himself, who claims to have also received death threats for facilitating such transactions.

Jesus, does Karmelo Anthony want to stab everyone now? Doesn’t he understand he’s going to get the money in his account from Wells anyway, no weapons necessary?

ROBERT DE QUEERO
Also great at sending people out death threats before soliciting large sums of cash from them is Robert De Niro, at least in gangster-flick classics like Goodfellas, Casino, and Mean Streets. De Niro is America’s most celebrated Method actor and semiprofessional bagel salesman (not a euphemism for being Jewish), famous for getting fully into the role by gaining a license to drive a cab through the streets of New York for Taxi Driver, murdering several innocent people prior to playing the young Don Vito Corleone in The Godfather, and learning how to bilocate for The Alto Knights.

A far greater act of thespian commitment has just been demonstrated by Bob’s biologically male son Airyn, who this week signed on the dotted line with Warner Sisters to spend the entire rest of his adult life pretending to be a woman. Now sporting a mane full of pink dreadlocks, like a My Little Rastafarian Pony, the Queen of Comedy came out as “being” female in an interview with Them magazine, a specialist publication aimed at those who do not yet understand the correct grammatical usage of pronouns.

Described as an individual who “carries herself with the innate openness and generosity only a Libra could muster,” Airyn is also an “An aspiring [i.e., not an actual?] model and voice actor studying to be a mental health counselor.” In more sane times, he would already have succeeded in becoming a patient.

We’re lucky he doesn’t self-ID as an automotive emergency vehicle, too. His mother, actress Toukie Smith, was christened “after a fictional, energetic red fire engine from a children’s song” and “imbued her genes into Airyn’s full frame and arresting smile.” Especially in the sense that, being male, he was born equipped with a long, expandable water hose.

CARDINAL TERRORS
A false Catholic myth tells us there was once supposed to have been a transgender pope, Pope Joan, who simply posed as male under a false name, before being exposed when dying in childbirth during a holy procession. To prevent any repetition, cardinals supposedly thereafter had to lift any newly elected pope up during his investiture and peer up his cassock to check he actually was male; if so, they then pronounced, in Latin, “He has two balls, and they are well-hung.” So, Airyn De Niro would not be ineligible to become the next pontiff, then, at least not on that score.

More disqualified to become the King of All Catholics, following Pope Francis’ recent death, would be Donald Trump, on the minor grounds he is a Protestant. But that hasn’t stopped the White House from posting a new, AI-generated icon of Trump dressed as the next pope online, illustrating Donald’s recent quip that “I’d like to be pope” as well as president. In Trump’s own view, “The Catholics loved it.” Did they? Many Catholics instead feared what any potential Trump papacy could bring them.

Trump has already tried to make money from the religious, licensing his name to sell special “Trump Bibles” for inflated sums—military families can buy the “Camo Edition,” covered in army camouflage markings, while little girls, homosexuals, and Airyn De Niro can purchase the “Pink & Gold Edition” for $74.99 each. A special version signed by Trump costs $1,000. According to reports, the Bibles were printed in China for $3 and then imported. Just imagine how much they’ll cost with tariffs on.

Given this past track record, any future Trumpian Pope Innocentofallcharges I would surely try to leverage the Holy See for dollars too. In return for more sponsorship cash from his ultrarich Silicon Valley donors, he would begin speaking of PayPal infallibility and making the sign of the X in public. The Trump Bible itself, meanwhile, would be rewritten to subliminally suggest to readers that Trump himself was the Second Coming: The presence of The Last Trump on Judgment Day in the Book of Revelations would tend to prove it.

CAN’T YOU READ THE WRITINGS ON THE WALL?
If Trump really was around in the Holy Land during biblical times, he would have been found exploiting his past construction industry experience erecting the Trump Tower of Babel to put in a competitive bid to rebuild the crumbled Walls of Jericho to help keep all the Arab-Mexicans out. Back in the here and now, Trump is instead proposing to help kick the Hittites out of America by offering all illegal immigrants $1,000 to simply hop on a plane and go back home, in a process dubbed “self-deportation.” Everything’s gone self-service nowadays, hasn’t it?

Trump’s idea is that, as it costs $17,000 to deport an illegal through the courts, bribing them to go away is far cheaper. As further incentive, Pope MAGA has promised that people who take him up on his offer might even get the chance to return to the country legally one day, as a token of thanks. But then they’ll just be getting paid $1,000 to fly out, then straight back in again, like human boomerangs. Wouldn’t it be even more cost-efficient to offer them all an extra $500 just to permanently kill themselves?

It could be even cheaper to just give all the incomers free English lessons at the border so they can actually read all the signs on the wall saying “KEEP OUT.” A new report indicates one-fifth of U.S. adults can’t read, which at first sounds like a failing of the American education system, until you consider the possibility that it just means they can’t read English because many of them are foreigners. One previous illiterate called Stefan, given reading lessons by a do-gooder, was described as marveling how “suddenly…he was able to read the street signs all around him.” Of course. They’d all been translated into Spanish at taxpayer expense.

Over in the even more disintegrating U.K. immigration system, things are even worse. One Ethiopian asylum seeker, Abdoela Berhan, told a British court recently it would have no choice but to suspend his case because he could not understand a word being said, as he spoke no English whatsoever—a plea he made by speaking English. Still, the case was adjourned by the presiding judge.

Maybe all this is nothing new. Proof positive Britain really always has been “a nation of immigrants,” as let-them-all-in leftist historians are constantly preaching, has just been found: Archaeologists have unearthed a “heavily handled” black ancient Roman penis at Hadrian’s Wall. A case of Dido and Aeneas, meet dildo and anus? Or has the artifact been radically misdated? Given the tiny appendage is only three centimeters long, perhaps it actually belonged to Gary Coleman.

A SHARK WORSE THAN ITS BITE?
Forget Hadrian’s Wall, the British Isles today could more easily be defended from incoming barbarian hordes by transforming the English Channel into a big moat filled with sharks. Or could it?

A new class of online shark-related influencers, dubbed “finfluencers,” has been blamed for causing a wave of attacks upon swimmers who have been incorrectly convinced that the sharp-toothed beasts are utterly harmless, so much so that they jump in the water with them and attempt to take selfies whilst trying to pet them like harmless watery rabbits.

Finfluencers with yet more nominatively determinist names, like Ocean Ramsey and Stella Stupidsharkstroker, are now responsible for more attacks than Jaws ever was, at least according to Prof. Eric Clua of France’s PSL University, who gets paid to sit around all day thinking about fish and pretending it’s a proper job.

Eric’s opinions sound strangely relevant to the Karmelo Anthony case. “People know the difference between a Yorkie and a pit bull, whereas they don’t know the difference between a blacktip reef shark and a bull shark, which are their marine equivalents,” he says—substitute “Louis Armstrong” and “Karmelo Anthony” for those two shark breeds there, and you have an excellent reason why you should never just approach an unknown negro out in the wild and attempt to pat it on the head and feed it a biscuit, no matter how tame they may look to the untrained eye.

Remember, Anthony’s reported last words to Austin Metcalf before shanking him dead were “Touch me and see what happens.” Pit bulls might say similar things, if they too could speak basic human like Karmelo could.

Professor Clua’s attempts to excuse the world’s poor, innocent sharks from all responsibility for their crimes also sound like classic left-wing attempts to excuse blacks for their own crimes, too: “There’s an incredibly negative perception bias towards sharks when we see that they are responsible for fewer than ten human deaths a year worldwide, whereas dogs are responsible for more than 10,000 deaths but are perceived positively by the public.” Again, substitute “blacks” for “sharks,” and “whites” for “dogs,” and that could be Al Sharpton speaking.

Given this, one is bound to ask: Will BLM types be setting up similar GiveSendGo pages to get Jaws off from all his historic crimes scot-free now, too, as with Karmelo Anthony?

Doubtful. Unlike Anthony, Jaws was a great white.