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The Week’s Most Identity Unknown, Naked Bicycling Zone, and Little Maddie Full-Grown? Headlines

THE MAN WITH NO NAME
The U.K. government is currently in the controversial process of introducing mandatory digital identity cards for all, supposedly to prevent illegal immigrants from infiltrating the national workforce. But, as such interlopers habitually give guards false names when entering the country, how will border force officials know their true IDs anyway?

A case in point was that of the illegal Indian migrant arrested by ICE agents in Oklahoma last week driving a truck while in possession of an illegitimate New York State commercial driver’s license. Experienced officers could tell there was something amiss due to one minor flaw: The man’s identity was listed as “NO NAME GIVEN.”

However, as the offender’s genuine real name was “Anmol Anmol,” possibly the issuers of the card were provided with his real name by him upon application after all, they just didn’t believe it. In the wake of the comical arrest, ICE agents released to the media a whole batch of other clearly fake names being used by unlawful subcontinental-origin foreigners on their ID cards and passports in order to pass themselves off as being “Americans” too: Vivek Ramaswamy, Zohran Mamdami, Nikki Haley, Kamala Harris…there was just no end to the bastards.

NOT-SO-LITTLE MADDIE
In Great Britain itself, the problem with aliens pretending to be English has grown so bad that, shockingly, it now turns out an actual previous prime minister, Rishi Sunak, wasn’t truly the 100 percent purebred product of good old Anglo-Saxon stock he pretended to be himself either; with a digital ID scheme, the disaster of his premiership could never have occurred.

Also in favor of the government’s new plan is the fact that it will help the parents of missing children to more easily identify who is and is not their abducted daughter when someone fat, mad, and Polish suddenly turns up on their doorstep claiming to be her. No ID card, no daughter of mine: simple.

Britain’s most famous missing child is Madeleine McCann, christened after one of those cakes Proust used to eat, so everlasting has her memory been forced to become by constant, interminable ongoing media coverage of the decades-old cold case. The latest news on the fate of “Little Maddie,” as she is habitually dubbed, is that she has suddenly turned up—alive, well, and substantially overweight—in a courtroom in Leicester, in the shape of a delusional-seeming 24-year-old Polish woman named Julia Wandelt, currently on trial for allegedly stalking the real Madeleine’s parents, Kate and Gerry, while posing as their progeny, kidnapped from a Portuguese hotel in 2007.

Wandelt’s case is backed up by some incredibly specific-sounding memories from her former childhood with the McCanns, like the day when “she asked Mrs. McCann whether she could get a ball,” the time when “I was using a spoon,” the fact that “I remember doing a barbecue,” and, of course, the occasion when “I was playing with other kids—there was a tree next to us.”

There’s no way Julia could have made any of that up, but there was one big problem with her case: She doesn’t look anything like Madeleine McCann did when she was abducted. The simplest explanation for this (apart from her being a disturbed impostor) might have been that Maddie was aged only 3 when stolen away, whereas Julia is an adult in her mid-20s, but the defendant preferred to say instead that she had been made unrecognizably “ugly and fat because of medication I was given.” Are KFC Bargain Buckets available on prescription now?

To bolster her case, Wandelt therefore said she underwent a DNA test, telling Kate McCann she possessed “an almost 70 percent match” to her daughter’s own pilfered genetic load, meaning that “It’s science, no one can deny it.” The problem with this claim is that, if she really was Madeleine McCann, she would need to have had a 100 percent DNA match, wouldn’t she?

Seventy percent may sound quite a close correspondence, but actually humans share approximately 99.9 percent of their DNA with all other humans on the planet, the remaining 0.1 percent being what makes the observable physical differences between individuals in terms of eye and hair color, height, race, and suchlike. Therefore, taken literally, Wandelt’s testimony appears to suggest she is not even from the same species as Madeleine’s poor hounded parents, never mind their lost baby.

Which creatures do share 70 percent of DNA with humans, then? Looking it up, we find that the true reason for Ms. Wandelt’s self-confessed obesity and ugliness is that she is actually a big fat slug! Is she sure she isn’t Karen Matthews’ missing daughter?

MIDDLE EAST PEAS PROCESS
Another clear example of someone whom the PR-savvy U.K. government could justifiably point toward as being in obvious need of immediate emergency access to a comprehensive digital ID database at the moment is Greta Thunberg. The gurning eco-loon–turned–world’s No. 1 kaffiyeh catwalk model this week posted an emotive online photo gallery purporting to show Hamas prisoners being kept in terrible conditions by the Israelis—one of whom promptly turned out to actually be an Israeli prisoner kept in terrible conditions by Hamas.

Emaciated hostage Evyatar David was caged and starved by the Palestinian jihadis, and even made to dig his own grave, to the point where he looked like little more than a pasty-skinned, bowlegged living skeleton, but Greta, given her own known inclinations on such matters, probably just thought that meant he was a vegan. Following their release from captivity, Israeli hostages have since had to be given lessons from medics in how to eat properly again, patients initially being allowed only a few nuts for meals, like scrawny human squirrels, so unused to proper sustenance are their wrecked digestive systems. Ms. Thunberg may consider even this to be an act of gross overfeeding, however.

Constitutionally prone to misidentifications, Greta was only drawn toward Hamas in the first place because she thought they were called Hummus. As such, she is no doubt pleased by a new Green Blob-backed plan that has just been unveiled to transition all of humanity onto the Hamas Hostage Diet by the year 2050, possibly facilitated in the U.K. by the new digital ID card system one day being repurposed to operate as an online social-credit system allowing the state to monitor and control your every food purchase.

The so-called Planetary Health Diet is designed to restrict citizens to state-recommended calorie intakes of a stinginess not seen since WWII, particularly in terms of meat and dairy, thereby forcing a global transition toward mainly plant-based diets full of lettuce and peas in order to somehow “save the planet.” Green dietitians recommend people be allowed to swallow only fifteen grams of red meat a day.

Those are the kind of rations that, if ever really implemented, would mean we were all living on the Gaza Diet, whether imprisoned in a terror tunnel or not; indeed, imprisoned Jews have actually managed on less in the past. In Auschwitz, inmates were supposed to be served with 25 grams of meat per day, almost double what the eco-Nazis of today like Greta would deign to give you.

Britain’s gaffe-prone, ID-card-loving Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer once solemnly urged Hamas to facilitate an immediate “return of the sausages,” not a “return of the hostages,” during a typically pathetic 2024 speech. If his kind’s stupid Planetary Health Diet plans come to pass, we’ll all soon be making that demand from our leaders for real.

THE BATTLE OF THE BULGE
Maybe, as part of Donald Trump’s current peace plan for the Middle East, Hamas could be persuaded to finally throw down their arms and enlist instead to serve as the U.S. military’s official new catering corps?

According to Trump and his anti-woke Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, unlike Israeli hostages, far too many of America’s troops are grossly overweight, with strict new weigh-in standards therefore due to be implemented, and all “fat generals” due to be booted out from the Pentagon imminently, just provided they can fit through the exit doors. Hegseth has called these unpleasant home truths part of his “no more walking on eggshells policy”; if fat soldiers tried to do that, they’d just crush them all into powder anyway.

After Trump deployed Texas National Guard soldiers to Chicago this week to shoot some more black people and Mexicans (or “protect vital ICE facilities in the city from attack,” as the official line had it), a photo of several of their number waddling out of a transport vehicle looking even more chubby and sluggish than Madeleine McCann does these days drew widespread mockery, leading Hegseth and Trump to double down on their anti-obesity crusade. Some of the wobbly warriors were so big, the argument went, they could be successfully targeted by Russian snipers from the far side of Vladivostok, thus constituting a severe potential battlefield weakness.

However, this line of reasoning is unfair. Obese troops do have a legitimate role in modern warfare. They can be dropped from planes as a cheap, cost-effective alternative to more usual high-explosive heavy munitions and bunker busters. Doesn’t Hegseth know what unleashing a single Fat Man once did to Nagasaki?

NUDE WORLD ORDER
Fat soldiers have also lately been ordered by Trump to be dispatched to the “anti-fascist” hot spot of Portland, Ore., to protect ICE facilities from attack by insane leftists there, too—leading these very same insane leftists to organize a mechanized cavalry-style counterattack in the form of an “Emergency World Naked Bike Ride” through the city, described by one participant as being a “quintessentially Portland way to protest”: a retarded one. Participants were depicted as baring it all, but still packing their helmets. Every one of them purple, presumably.

“We need to show our humanity to each other,” one Bolshevik on a Bike said. Is that what you call it? Riot police deployed pepper balls against the crowd to keep them at bay. The crowd just deployed their own balls right back again.

Intriguingly, the bareback bicyclists may have been inspired by previous clothes-shedding protests perpetrated by opposing conservative activists elsewhere in America, like the concerned mothers who got down to their underwear in front of school board meetings in Maine and California recently to demonstrate against the insanity of allowing “trans-identified” boys to share sports locker rooms with female students in local high schools. Either that or someone had just left the central heating on too high during their speeches.

Embarrassing and sickening your opponents into submission by stripping off in front of them seems to be the next big thing by way of winning the political debate, but if so, Republicans like the stripping moms of Maine need to be careful—the Democrats have Bernie Sanders on their side.

An even bigger exponent of Peace Through Nudity, meanwhile, was the late Henry Kissinger. Rapprochement between Nixon and China was only truly brought about by him threatening to drop his trousers and bend over pantsless in front of Zhou Enlai.

Will Donald Trump be forced to follow in Kissinger’s naked footsteps one day if he ever truly wishes to succeed in going down in history as the world’s greatest global peacemaker? Thus far, the delicately negotiated ceasefire between Israel and Hamas seems to be hanging in the balance, and probably will continue to do so until Trump agrees to perform his own Emergency Naked Bike Ride through Tel Aviv, Nablus, and Khan Yunis, causing both Netanyahu and the Hamas Politburo to come to their senses and agree to finally stop the horror for the greater common good.

Trump’s failure thus far to whip out his genitals to stop the genocide could be the true reason why he otherwise inexplicably failed to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize this week—no Gaza Strip, no medal.