Louvre, Paris

Source: MC Theo

The Week’s Most Halloween Becomes Obscene, Spanish Monsters Queer Your Teen, and Ghosts of the Gazan Mujahideen Headlines

HARDON PARDON?
It’s Halloween later this week, and President Trump has been doing his best to scare the sweet bejaysus out of everybody sentient a few days early. Not content with pranking Gov. Gavin Newsom by having the Marines launch a live shell over Interstate 5 in California, causing debris to rain down on electorally disposable left-wing motorists below, he also decided to put the willies up the nation’s entire female population by teasing the possible pardon and early release of P. Diddy.

Currently serving a fifty-month term for violating the Mann Act (which, if you’re not legally literate, basically means violating a Womann), Diddy is reportedly going to be set free to knock on YOUR daughter’s door this Oct. 31, yelling, “Trick or treat?”—whichever answer she gives, the end result will be the same, his candle rammed inside her pumpkin.

Diddy Kong being unleashed from his cage just in time for Halloween is appropriate, as the jailhouse rapper is purportedly a long-term satanist, at least according to one of his old producers at Bad Boy Records, who claims to have witnessed Diddy performing dark “ritualistic” rituals (are there any other kind?) in honor of Lucifer during his time in the music studio. The end result, says the producer, who has since found Christ as an evangelical pastor, was that he himself ended up being possessed by a hell-demon and “making beats” for four days and four nights straight. Is he sure Diddy hadn’t just laced his drinks with Viagra?

At first, this whole yarn sounds most unlikely. Then you learn the producer’s name: Rod Long. Whatever could have caused Diddy to have hired the fellow and then introduced him to Cassie with a title like that?

DISABLED LOUVRE
If Diddy isn’t pardoned by Trump this week, he could easily manage to escape regardless, simply via bribing the authorities to appoint as his prison’s new governor Dominique Buffin, Director of Security at the Louvre in Paris, from which antique crown jewels worth 88m euros were just stolen. Critics have since been lining up to rubbish the museum’s piss-poor security measures, but France’s Culture Minister, Rachida Dati, denies anything was amiss at all, making the following strange claim during a parliamentary inquiry into the theft:

“Have the Louvre’s security precautions failed? No, they have not failed. That is a fact. The security measures worked.”

How can the security measures have “worked” if the jewels were stolen? Because Dominique Buffin was a diversity hire given her role on the sole grounds of her chromosomes rather than her actual relevant skills. Hence, the main point of the Louvre’s current security regime was not to provide any security at all, besides job security for yet another identitarian public-sector nonentity.

The main flaw under Buffoon’s nouvelle régime was that the security camera supposed to be monitoring the jewels was installed facing the wrong way, like British artillery during the Fall of Singapore. You’d think guards monitoring security-cam footage would have realized the difference between shots of golden crowns and diamond tiaras and pointless 24-hour close-ups of the outside door of the nearest disabled toilets, but evidently not.

Thieves gained access to the building by the simple means of donning hi-viz jackets and pretending to be workmen. Ironically, hi-viz jackets are now so absurdly ubiquitous in public spaces that they effectively make you invisible.

For the spooky season, American partygoers are predicted to adopt a “Halloween Heist” costume trend in tribute to the affair, involving comedy cartoon striped burglar outfits and big bags marked “SWAG,” draped over with a luminous construction worker vest. The sad thing is, if trick-or-treaters walked up to Dominique Buffin’s Louvre dressed exactly like that, she’d probably just let them in to steal the Mona Lisa.

HALALOWEEN HAUNTINGS
Over in the even more hag-ridden U.K., politicians prefer to facilitate shameless robbery direct from the state via a different means: funding mad PhD projects with stolen taxpayer money. Nadia Yahlom is an anti-Zionist Jewish PhD shyster, recently caught cutting down yellow ribbons in support of Israeli prisoners held hostage by Hamas. Subsequent inquiry revealed how she likes to spend her days: investigating jihadi ghosts in Gaza on the public dime.

Her Halloween-friendly PhD project is called “Ghosts of the Al-Ghaib: A Participatory Audio-Visual Exploration of Haunting in Palestine,” which Yahlom describes like this:

Working closely with those who have experienced haunting, supernatural sightings and/or spirit possession, I will be using film, sound, photography and other mixed media to explore how djinn (ghosts, spirits, witches, demons and other forces of the Al-Ghaib or “unseen” world) are experienced, embodied and described by different Palestinian communities…. It examines what form hauntings take in Palestine and how these apparitions are linked to political volatility, violence, (post)colonialism and intergenerational trauma.

The average bloodsucking PhD parasite gets £20,000 a year over 3.5 years, so about £70,000 from actual useful workers like nurses and prostitutes. Funding ultimately comes from the U.K.’s Department for Science, Technology and Innovation—even when it involves hunting ghosts and genies. (The same body also funds feminist witches and “queer tarot readers” to make special magical altars intended to “support the manifestation of new forms of protests, resistance and reimagining,” albeit not protests against needless government overspending on dogshit.)

To be fair, there are quite a lot of dead people in Gaza at the moment, so plenty of ghosts for Yahlom to choose from. Another Palestinian spook-hunter, Ahmad Nabil, explains what the region’s uncanny djinn look like: “You can’t see their facial features because cone-like hats are covering everything but a little bit of the eyes.” Are you sure they weren’t just women in burkas, Ahmad?

Others, meanwhile, looked like this: “They were floating and did not have any hands.” Had they been convicted of theft by the local Hamas Sharia Justice Department? The U.K.’s own Anti-Government Waste Department should do the exact same thing to Nadia Yahlom someday.

WANKENSTEIN’S MONSTERS
Following revelation of Yahlom’s pointless PhD, British media dug up other ludicrous examples of students who needed their hands chopped off. Particularly pathetic was the University of Manchester’s decision to facilitate an aspirant Professor Wankenstein to spend three months masturbating to cartoon images of underage boys in Japanese manga comic books, then make detailed notes upon the matter. As the candidate put it in his subsequent post-ejaculation write-up, trying to make it all sound like “science”:

After each masturbation session I would write down my thoughts and feelings—a kind of critical self-reflection—in a notebook, as well as details about which material I had used, where I had done it, at what time, and for how long.

That’s the kind of thing we were all hoping for from the Epstein Files, but sadly it was not to be.

Even worse was the study “The Europe That Gay Porn Built, 1945–2000,” which set out to answer “How the growing transnational circulation of gay male erotica and porn magazines in postwar Europe contributed to the development of a shared identity and sense of belonging among European gay men,” a question so very important the taxpayer handed over £841,830 for it. How many porn mags was the author buying, exactly? You can get it all free on the internet.

The full-blown professor responsible, a Spanish-sounding limp-wrist named Joao Florencio, doesn’t even live in the U.K., but Sweden, from where he is also commissioned by Whitehall to give seminal web seminars about persons called “ass-pigs,” open-all-hours homosexuals who enjoy what he describes as “relentless condomless penetrations, stretching of the rectal sphincter, and exchanges of all kinds of bodily fluids (sperm, urine, semen, etc).” Where’s the ectoplasm? And then, just to add insult to injury, he expects ordinary citizens to pay for all his consequent necessary antiretrovirals, anal bleaching, and rectal prolapse surgery, too.

Further analysis found evidence of useless PhD studies into everything from “single-player gay adult video games” to “queer pirates.” Here’s a fun game: Which single example from the list below is the sole one found not to be in receipt of shedloads of undeserved cash from the U.K. Department for Science, Technology and Innovation?

(a) Cruising the Cut: Lesbian Histories of Mobility and the Queer Futures of Boat-Dwelling on the U.K.’s Canals

(b) Queer Whores: Embodied Knowledge and Performance Practices in Sex Work (Including Stripping, Sploshing, Pole Dance, and Fetish Wrestling)

(c) Crafting Counter-Hegemony: Using Pieces of White Porcelain to Interrogate Constructed Ideologies of Whiteness and Empire

(d) Listening to the 85%: Exploring How Recording and Listening to Underwater Sounds Can Increase Environmental Awareness on the Isle of Man

(e) Buzzers for Bedwetters: Incontinence and the Urinary Body in Britain, 1870–1970

(f) Promising Potential Methods for Treating Eye-Cancer in Children: Avenues of Best

Prolonging Sight and Alleviating Infant Pain and Suffering

If you didn’t answer “(f)” immediately, you really haven’t been paying much attention, ass-pig.

THE LIE OF SAURON
Yet more monstrous nonacademic non-study leaked out from England’s University of Nottingham this week, where a new literature course called “Decolonizing Tolkien” is now being taught, arguing that the orcs and goblins in the Lord of the Rings trilogy are racist caricatures of black, brown, and Muslim people, on account of their dark skin, by comparison to the nice, clean, pale features of the heroic Nordic-type elves, hobbits, and wizards who slay them: What a LotR crap.

The dusky minions of the Dark Lord Sauron can’t have been Akbars in disguise; the books famously feature Two Towers, and the orcs don’t knock them down by hijacking and then crashing large passenger dragons into them even the once. To be fair, they are all born from mud, though.

The academic Tolkien shite in this respect is a black gentleman named Dr. Onyeka Nubia (the rough white equivalent would be Sir Arthur the Aryan, so perhaps this is an assumed name?), whose online profile tells us that “Dr. Onyeka’s research began in 1993–94 after finishing university and without the backing of other academics,” possibly because he had just made all his “research” up. A revisionist Afrocentric historian, Nubia argues Britain has always been full of melanated orcs like himself, it’s just that their presence there was so incredibly common that nobody at the time even thought it worth mentioning the fact in any contemporary historic records or documents.

Think about it: Do the Venerable Bede or Geoffrey of Monmouth specifically mention any spiders being present during the Battle of Hastings or the crowning of King Alfred? No? But there were still some spiders living in England at the time, though, weren’t there? It was exactly the same with Nigerians, says Nubia, and you can’t possibly prove otherwise.

Things could have been worse. If Professor Joao Florencio had been handed over another free £841,830 for exploring a racially loaded Lord of the Rings, he would have just bent over in front of P. Diddy and asked to become his new ass-pig.

SPANISH PRACTICES AT THE BUMMER CAMP
A mother shopping at budget European supermarket chain Lidl was shocked this week to find that a novelty neon glow-in-the-dark Halloween sign that was supposed to read “Trick or Treat” had been foolishly fashioned using an ambiguous font style appearing to make it read “Fuck or Treat” instead, which sounds like the title of yet another taxpayer-funded U.K. PhD project being pursued by a Spanish queer.

Actually, it was probably intended for use at a genuinely scary Spanish summer camp for children that has just been exposed as an alleged front for perverts. The camp was supposed to be all about introducing kids to the age-old traditions of Basque culture, but really aimed to initiate them into the even older cultural practices of Sodom and Gomorrah instead.

Since the camp was run by demented ass-pig queer ideologues who later boasted, “We want to faggotize your children (since we usually don’t have any children of our own),” parents did not initially realize the organizers’ suspected chosen method of exposing their offspring to Basque culture was to expose them to their own adult genitalia lightly covered over in cellophane, something passed off as an innocent “reenactment of Basque mythology.” Which bit? The Legend of Pedro the Big Gay Pedo? The Day Michael Jackson Visited Toledo?

Reportedly, once locked inside, hungry children were cut off from the outside world, leaving them no option but to suck the adults’ toes in return for snacks, or having to “pull their trousers down to receive food.” Which hole were they being fed through? Alternative sustenance was thankfully available: A big image of a woman with her legs spread was on display, with the caption “Enjoy your meal!” underneath.

Furthermore, kids were made to share showers with both adults and other children of all 94,763 possible admixtures of genders and sexes, while very camp commandants wandered around naked smoking weed, and mirrors were covered over to help teens develop “body positivity” (or possibly just to disguise that the adults were all sex vampires). When confronted with evidence of such eldritch evil, the incubi and succubi in charge merely called complaints “transphobic.” As in all the best horror movies, from Frankenstein to Pan’s Labyrinth, it turned out the worst monsters of all were really the humans all along.

Hopefully, long prison sentences will now await all involved—leaving the camp in need of a new leader. If P. Diddy really does get out of jail this week, it sounds right up his street.