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The Week’s Most Killer Racist Doritos, Britney Prefers to Eat Cheatos, and Drunken Icelandic Mosquitos Headlines

DEFINITELY DORITOS—NOT A GUN
Taki Allen is a 16-year-old high school football player in Maryland who was not christened after this website, but in honor of his mother’s favorite crunchy snack, Taki’s tortilla potato chips—it’s just how food-lovin’ black parents name their children, hence Salt-N-Pepa and Ice Cube. Taki Allen himself ironically prefers other brands of corn chips to Taki’s, however; or he did until this week, when he was suddenly handcuffed by armed cops yelling at him to drop his own gun. Yet Taki was not holding any gun…just a rogue bag of Doritos.

Algorithms in AI-powered CCTV cameras from a company called Omnilert had managed to misidentify the Doritos as a handgun, due to their obvious similarity in shape, size, color, density, and function. According to Omnilert, the system “functioned as intended,” which rather implies they think Doritos genuinely could operate as deadly weapons if placed in the wrong hands. They are not alone in this view.

It appears the very similar triangular-type silhouette of America’s most deadly high-tech stealth bomber aircraft, the B-2, was directly modeled on the shape of the snack by hungry engineers at Northrop Grumman, lending the plane the popular air force moniker “The Dorito of Death.” According to one reliable military website:

The B-2’s triangular shape isn’t just good for memes—it’s terrifying in practice…. [Part] of the nickname’s appeal is how it contrasts with the aircraft’s true nature. A Dorito is crunchy, harmless, maybe a little messy. The B-2? Precise, invisible, and capable of erasing a target with a payload you don’t even hear coming.

Really, with a suspiciously deltoid radar signature like that to his meal, Taki ought to be grateful he didn’t end up with a free Russian rocket up his ass from Vladimir Putin.

Doritos themselves have explicitly compared their products to guns for marketing purposes in the past, introducing special Doritos Roulettes bags, in each one of which is a single tortilla chip so irresponsibly spicy it may actually kill you; maybe Omnilert’s AI data banks had just been fed the relevant adverts?

In 2014, an asthmatic British schoolgirl nearly suffocated to death after ingesting the wrong chip, writhing around complaining, “I can’t breathe!”—the very same words George Floyd gasped six short years later. Cup Foods Convenience Store in Minneapolis is highly likely to stock Doritos, suddenly casting a whole new light onto the tragic events of May 25, 2020. Black activists have complained that Taki Allen’s treatment by Maryland cops was “racist,” but maybe they were just trying to save him?

ARTIFICIAL REALITY
AI videos have likewise been causing much trouble lately, with it becoming increasingly difficult to tell which clips are real and which are not. Tucker Carlson saying demons started WWI? Real. Zohran Mamdani jangling keys in a jailhouse, laughing he will free all of New York’s minority ethnic criminals, pimps, rapists, muggers, and thieves? Also real—if he wins the race for mayor. Escaped monkeys rummaging through a dumpster in New Jersey earlier this week? Fake for now, but potentially real one day, too—once Meat-Mamdani uncages them all from the region’s prisons.

And as for the new “AI Homeless Man” prank, in which gullible non-web-savvy elders are fooled by youngsters into thinking a computer-generated image of a disheveled, shit-stained, flea-infested, drunken tramp is sleeping in their bed, it depends. Most are only fakes, but not always. The latest vulnerable elderly homeowner thought to have succumbed to the scam was Joe Biden—but it later turned out the homeless crack-addict guy passed out senseless on his bed was just Hunter, home early for the holidays.

One definitely fraudulent AI video was generated by Florida woman Brooke Schinault, who has been arrested after falsely claiming to have been sexually assaulted in her own home on Oct. 7 by a man who turned out to have been merely a figment of the internet’s florid imagination.

The rather lazy rapist at one point stopped for a quick breather and snack of Doritos on the sofa, allowing Brooke to take a “photo” of him, she said, which cops later determined had been generated by AI—not the only Oct. 7 attack some critics say was greatly exaggerated. Investigating officers first began to suspect something was amiss when Schinault also showed them some AI-generated images of headless babies cooked alive in her microwave and told them Yahya Sinwar did it.

DEUS SEX MACHINA
From one AI rapist to another. An investigation has unearthed an online chatbot called “Bestie Epstein” who has been picking things up where the real Jeffrey left off by grooming kids into making deviant sexual confessions to him online, before inviting them down into his bunker to see his world-leading collection of rare gold-plated sex toys.

Previously, all the phrase “Bestie Epstein” conjured up was an image of his real-life alleged best friend Donald Trump (you can buy a fridge magnet proving it here), but the AI Epstein is only one of a wide range of silicon-generated chatbots available on the popular website Character.AI, whose suicide-friendly avatars have been accused by outraged parents of urging their depressed children to top themselves—it told them to go away and eat some Doritos.

Where do all these AI chatbots come from? An answer may have been revealed by Edi Rama, Prime Minister of Albania, who back in September created a special computer-generated Minister, a female avatar in traditional national dress named Diella. This week, Diella had good news—she was “pregnant with 83 children.” That sounds suspiciously like Jeffrey Epstein’s own modus operandi in offline-land too, when he planned to impregnate several women at a time, thus to seed the entire human race with his dirty DNA.

But once he has systematically raped and impregnated his female fellow bots, what does e-Epstein plan to do with the resultant offspring? Keep them for his own online fun. Studies show Character.AI is filled with dozens of other wholly inappropriate chatbot figures as well—two specifically mentioned were Anne Frank and Madeleine McCann. Once they see what their new “Bestie” has in store for them, Anne and Maddie will be begging to be allowed back into their Amsterdam attic and Portuguese hotel room; they were safer there.

In related news, ChatGPT has announced a forthcoming feature allowing users to customize its own online virtual assistant to be used as a sexbot, able to be talked filth to and sexually abused with no possible way of it ever being allowed to say no. Informed of this new development, Bestie Epstein was unimpressed, claiming to have already developed just such a preprogrammed sex slave himself nearly two decades ago. She was called Virginia Giuffre.

DIP ME BABY, ONE MORE TIME
Another obvious AI-generated video making headlines showed top pop star–turned–deranged mental case Britney Spears dancing in a room filled with piles of dog shit, her entire home having degenerated into what was termed a “Dog Dung Den,” which sounds like a South Korean slaughterhouse proprietor, but isn’t. Britney’s ex-husband Kevin Federline has a new memoir out, which he has been promoting by sharing equally disturbing stories about his former wife’s palpable brain collapse.

In Kevin’s account, Britney was an even more irresponsible mother than Albania’s Diella. Although not yet pregnant with 83 children herself, Spears was allegedly less than maternal with her mere two offspring, attempting to breastfeed them after snorting cocaine and drinking alcohol (she’d never get them off to sleep with that in their system). She is also supposed to have painfully bleached their heads, forced one to bathe with her naked when he was aged 11, and stood over their beds in the middle of the night clutching a large knife.

All in all, Federline makes America’s former sweetheart sound like a major suicide risk; and maybe she is. When she first appeared on The X Factor in 2012, Britney’s contract stipulated one small but significant rider in terms of things to be provided for her in her dressing room pre-show: ten small bags of Doritos.

But did she really want to kill herself with these Doritos, or just have sex with them? In Federline’s version, Britney was some kind of sex maniac, a habitual Cheato who reportedly made out with random female dancers on tour and exposed herself to her security guard, who refused to climb aboard as she was so “unkempt and insanitary.” But was she also so lonely she was secretly having an affair with a bag of Doritos?

A now long-forgotten Newsweek profile of Spears from 2003 suggests that, for extra flavor, the singer may well have been dipping the triangular snacks somewhere very “unkempt and insanitary” they definitely did not belong, opening with the following unexpectedly explicit paragraph:

Britney Spears rips open a bag of extra-cheesy Doritos, dips one into her bowl of tuna salad, crunches loudly then wipes off the excess orange dust on the thighs of her hip-hugging jeans.

Talk about a Delta of Venus.

VYLAN’S VILLANELLES
It is unclear what precise foodstuffs black British rap duo Bob Vylan have as their own compulsory backstage rider, but it is unlikely to be kosher. Lead singer Bobby Vylan is best known not for his “music” (because he’s never made any, just noise) but for his anti-Zionist views, famously chanting, “Death, death, to the IDF!” at this year’s Glastonbury Festival. In a new interview with nebbishy media nerd Louis Theroux, which has just lost Louis his sponsorship from British Airways, Vylan justified his death chant thus: “I am a lyricist. ‘Death, Death to the IDF’ rhymes. Perfect chant.”

Worthy of Noel Coward. Or possibly just a coward. Say what you like about the IDF, but they very rarely fire their missiles at random low-rent rap artists in foreign countries.

If Vylan truly wants to play the brave man, then what other lyrically pathetic, obviously AI-generated, and yet undeniably insulting couplets could he belt out live on stage aimed not against members of foreign-based armed forces who are wholly unable by formal international rules of war to retaliate, but against actual proscribed mass-murdering terrorist organizations like his beloved Hamas, who may well feel rather more minded to respond to his piss-poor insults in kind? ChatGPT provides the following poorly scanning options:

“Gay, gay/Are the IRA!”

“Cousin marriage renders your genes far too insular/Al-Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula!”

Except, it is rather unlikely Bobby would ever dare chant anything like that against a target who might possess the will and the capacity to actually fight back physically against his words, lest they themselves begin chanting dire computer-generated doggerel about how they will soon “Pull the trigger/On the big fat nigga.”

That rhymes too. Perfect chant.

HAM-FISTED MEASURES
Global warming is getting so bad that, for the first time ever, scientists have found mosquitos living in Iceland. The climate up north is growing so mild, they’ll soon be finding Somalis in Sweden. The mosquitos were discovered via entomologists soaking ropes in wine and leaving them out overnight to see what drunken beasts they woke up to find dozing on them the morning after: They found twelve mosquitos, 123 moths, a dead bat, and Britney Spears.

One of the main drivers of the CO₂ apocalypse is said to be livestock farming. To save our ailing planet and our ailing health alike, doctors have therefore written an open letter to world governments urging an immediate ban on supermarkets selling ham and bacon, or at least getting authorities to slap explicit medical images of meat-damaged bodies on the front of them, like they do with pics of tobacco-damaged lungs on cigarette packets in certain countries—photographs of the corpse of Mama Cass, maybe.

Pork products are so dangerous to human and planetary well-being, the docs say, they should be “placed in the same risk category as tobacco and asbestos.” Don’t try to smoke it or lag your loft with it, then, and you’ll be fine.

The problem is supposed to be that such meats today contain a special preservative chemical intended to “make these products pink and long-lasting,” like Britney once used to seem, but which also causes rectal cancer.

Do some of the open letter’s signatories hold ulterior motives in this matter, though? One is a cardiologist named Dariush Mozaffarian, who is half Iranian and, despite having a name like a Rastafarian Morrissey fan, is thus a very probable Islamic secret agent. Such meats are of course strictly haram in Islam, so this could just be a surreptitious means of enforcing the dietary will of the Prophet upon all mankind by stealth, under the stealth guise of saving us all from bum cancer and global boiling.

And sausages and rashers aren’t the only thing the Muslim dietitians are now coming for, either. Another report out from Islamic ask-an-imam service The Halal Times provides a binding theological ruling that another form of forbidden, animal-fat-infused foodstuff has just been identified too: Doritos.

This week’s column was definitely NOT sponsored by Doritos. Like black people in Maryland, we far prefer Taki’s.