Nancy Pelosi

Source: Public Domain

The Week’s Most Pelosi Exit Route, Porn Star Jesus Reboot, and Politician in a Badger Suit Headlines

WHEN NANCY DREW TO A CLOSE
Nancy Pelosi has finally announced her imminent intention to withdraw from frontline politics to spend more time tending the magic haunted painting hidden in her attic. The 85-year-old’s greatest achievement is often said to have been becoming the first woman to hold the office of Speaker of the House of Representatives, but surely her success in becoming the first nonhuman to hold the role is by far the more significant accomplishment?

Pelosi boasted of having spent more than forty years continuously performing Acts of Congress, something that puts even Sting to shame. Her fellow California Democrat, Adam Schiff, called her “the greatest Speaker in American history,” but she certainly wasn’t the greatest “speaker” with a lowercase “s.” Among her many retarded quotes are “I believe in natural gas as a cheap, clean alternative to fossil fuels,” “Hamas is a humanitarian organization,” “Every month we do not have an economic recovery package, 500 million Americans lose their jobs,” and “I’m definitely not guilty of making $130 million from insider trading, honest, officer.”

Nancy-Girl’s greatest legislative success is said to have been pushing through the Affordable Care Act, whose passage she urged on the following grounds: “We have to pass the bill so you can find out what is in it.” What’s that? Government by Kinder Egg? The Affordable Care Act’s greatest sole beneficiary, expensively elderly and infirm retiree Joe Biden, said of Pelosi that America “will always be grateful to her.” Yes, for forcing him to stand down in 2024.

Pelosi intends to formally hand over her Speaker’s hammer in January 2027. Her husband, Paul, will be glad to hear it. At what point will she be giving in her sickle, too?

BADGER OF DISHONOR
Who will be succeeding Nancy in her seat in Congress? It won’t be her daughter Christine, who at a mere 59 still considers herself too inexperienced to fill the role, proclaiming she will be standing for the mere political kindergarten that is the California State Senate instead. So who will the Democrats ask to step up to the plate?

One possibility is Elyon Badger, who has just announced his intention to run for Congress for the Dems in Michigan but could surely easily be persuaded to change tack and stand in Pelosi’s old stomping ground of California instead. With a self-proclaimed policy platform of “bullying the old fucks” in the party, Badger would have been even better at persuading Biden to pack it all in than Pelosi herself was—by killing him.

Besides mocking the shooting of Charlie Kirk, the seemingly violence-happy Badger has even gone so far as to say that, in the name of getting the Democrats to adopt a far more radically left-wing manifesto than they already possess, he would be willing to “trip them down the stairs if I have to.” Is that how Pelosi really managed to fracture her hip on her diplomatic jaunt to Europe last year?

The professional murderer of pensioners Elyon Badger’s real name is, of course, not Elyon Badger at all—but as his actual real name is Samuel Smeltzer, he seems to have thought this alternative moniker would have sounded slightly less ridiculous to voters. Or maybe just slightly less obviously Jewish, in a nation where Zohran Mamdani and Ilhan Omar are now the Democrats’ preferred go-to candidates for office.

As his chosen artificial mammal title implies, Badger is a member of the so-called “furry” community who get their kicks by dressing up as animals like deer and dogs and having sex with each other, as opposed to certain other more naturally furry brown Dems like the Obamas, who get their kicks by dressing up as humans and having sex with each other instead.

Badger himself dresses like a queer Riddler from Batman, with a top hat, cape, cane, badger mask, and special green-and-black suit patterned with cannabis leaves rather than question marks. He intends to continue appearing this way in Congress, if elected, and to combine his outfit with additional built-in “smoking pyrotechnics.” Even if he does, he’ll still end up being more professionally dressed than John Fetterman.

Elyon says he is no ordinary badger, but a deadly honey badger, whose fierce and steely qualities he has described thus:

“Honey badgers fight lions for fun. They’re just the angriest animal in the savanna. They’re resistant to venom. They are creatures of tenacity and persistence.”

Yet honey badgers may not be quite so feistily queer as Elyon imagines, with Wikipedia recording that, unlike in his beloved transsexuals, whom Elyon thinks the “Nazis” in Trump’s Republican Party are currently persecuting, “Sexual dimorphism has been recorded in this species, with males being larger and heavier than females.” On the other hand, the species is also described as having “an eversible anal pouch,” as in able to be turned inside out at will, something a lifetime of being gay will tend to do to anyone’s anus.

A profile of Elyon in specialist queer mag Beyond the Lines further describes honey badgers as being “a carnivorous mammal living in Africa, the Middle East and India,” which rather suggests the editors may be becoming confused with Muslims.

“In Fur-Suit of Democracy!” yells the clever headline of the above puff piece (or poof piece, if you prefer). Yet Elyon seems to far favor Communist totalitarianism. “I HATE AMERICA AND I LOVE CHINA!” Badger has declared on social media. Once he realizes how prized severed badger penises are in traditional Chinese medicine, he won’t.

Besides legalizing marijuana—which he clearly smokes, very possibly 24 hours per day—Badger’s main advertised policy is to “tax the rich.” How about he starts with Nancy Pelosi? He also specifically wants to “ban insider trading.” But if he does that, Pelosi won’t be rich enough to be worth taxing anymore, will she? Typical Democrat: completely financially illiterate.

Between old-style collectivist extremists like Pelosi, and new-style identitarian hardliners like Badger, when it comes to collecting abject lunatics to put up for high office, the Democrats will soon have the full set.

THIS IS MY BODY, WHICH I’VE GIVEN UP FOR YOU
If it’s queer activists they’re after, rather than an insane furry honey badger, it may make more sense for Democrats to choose as Pelosi’s Congress seat successor someone far more capable of reaching across the political divide to draw in the votes of wavering Republicans and conservatives, too, as well as leftists—how about a queer Christian?

Following a split from her equally female “wife,” retired ex–porn star Jenna Jameson came out this week not only as an occasional lesbian but also as an eternal Christian, saying she had submitted to undergoing an adult baptism—she doesn’t say using which particular hair- and face-drenching fluids.

“After decades of being known for my body and my sin,” Jenna said she now wanted to become more recognized for her theological mastery instead, or “cracking the Bible” and “being loud and proud about my walk with Jesus Christ,” as she preferred to put it, quoting St. Augustine in The City of God.

Approving comments from committed porn fans soon piled up online. “Jesus is going to use you amazingly,” one said, which does indeed sound like a typical adult-movie scenario.

This wasn’t the first time Jameson had opened herself up to the general public online, but, while everyone knows that Jesus loves a sinner, the general idea is that the sinner converts to Christianity by repenting their sins, not continuing to commit them. Jenna has instead continued to go against the specific and immutable anti-queer Law of the Bible by posting photos of herself kissing another new queer lover instead, one who identifies as being “gender-nonconforming” (i.e., a woman with a man’s haircut—or possibly a man with a woman’s eyelashes, nobody knows, not even the lover him/herself).

How well does this unrepentant Mary Magdalene actually understand Holy Scripture, therefore? Not very. When Jenna heard that, on the third day, Jesus rose again, she initially thought it was just another common side effect of Viagra.

PASTOR POINT OF NO RETURN
Jenna Jameson is not the first “Christian” to think there may be a Book of Benders lurking away there somewhere amid the lesser-known Anal Apocrypha. Lena Müller is a pink-haired queer satanist posing as an Evangelical pastor in Germany. She is 33 years old, the same age that Christ Himself was when he died—sadly, Müller herself remains still breathing.

This week, Müller conclusively proved the only part of the Bible she has read was the passage about Sodom and Gomorrah, but just the first verse about all that lovely bumming, not what it ultimately led to in the end at the hands of a wrathful God. In complete contravention to all known Christian teachings besides those of the Reverend Jenna Jameson, Müller has lately presided over the joint gay “wedding” of a homosexual “polycule” of four homosexual males, consisting of two Latvians, a Thai, and a fourth man whom she “believed was Spanish,” possibly because the other three kept on saying “Senor Willy” to him.

By becoming forever joined in unholy matrimony in this fashion, Müller said online that the men had “placed themselves under G*d’s colorful [as in rainbow] blessing.” Is “G*d” considered a swear word now, one so offensive it has to be bowdlerized with an asterisk to get past strictly atheistic German social media censorship algorithms? For Chr*st’s sake!

How the f*ck can Müller claim to be a Chr*stian if she goes around openly conducting polygamous marriages? If she wants to do that kind of thing, she should convert to Islam (no asterisks necessary). Although if she did, she’d probably soon end up conducting those four now-headless men’s collective polycule funeral, not their wedding.

LET US PREY…ON SMALL CHILDREN
Müller sounds like another ideal Democrat candidate to replace Nancy Pelosi—but, in terms of mad queer far-left pseudo-priests, the pink-haired Kraut has already been beaten to it by obscene transgender clergy-being Stacey-Marie Laughton (or “Barry,” to his disappointed parents), a former Democrat lawmaker in New Hampshire.

Laughton has been found guilty of encouraging his girlfriend, obese giant Chicken McNugget with eyes Lindsay Groves, who worked at an infant day care center, to abuse and take lewd photos of toddlers under her care. As an ex-lawmaker, however, Laughton was very hyperaware of the need to stay on the right side of the cops in such matters, as “Lots of parents don’t like people touching their kids and it is against the law.”

An aspirant Church Minister, Laughton was also every bit as clued-up on Bible talk as he was with the statute books. “Do you think God is OK with us being bad girls?” he asked his McNugget in a text message. “Do you think we still have a place in Heaven? Do you think God would still be OK with me being a Minister?”

No, but given the example of freaks like Elyon Badger, the Democrats would probably be perfectly happy having him back as their next candidate for Speaker.

THE SPANISH MAINSTREAM
Then again, the Dems could always try digging up General Franco and putting him forward to be the new Speaker: Shock polls from Spain demonstrate increasing numbers of mainstream voters there, sick of their children being groomed by mad pink-pubed leftist anti-priests into forming homosexual polycules with random foreigners, are now radically reassessing their opinion of the dead dictator, thinking his Falangist regime was actually not all that bad by comparison. Which, to be honest, it probably wasn’t.

You may not expect today’s Democrats, with their oft-professed hatred for supposed “fascists” in the MAGA movement, to ally themselves with a genuine former fellow traveler of Hitler and Mussolini, but such is their level of profound historical ignorance that, looking El Caudillo up for ten seconds on Leftipedia, their eyes alighted upon one small single factoid that took their immediate fancy: Franco shot dead thousands and thousands of Republicans.

To cretins like Elyon Badger, that probably just sounds like Franco must have been the guy who wasted Charlie Kirk.

Come back, Nancy Pelosi, all is forgiven. Well, almost.