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The Week’s Most Trump’s Insults Get Crass, China Bans It Up the Ass, and Epstein’s Pedo Math Class Headlines

DON’T HAVE A COW
Our world today is becoming ever more inhuman and unnatural. The latest evidence comes from Israel, where an innovative food-tech start-up, Remilk, has declared it will begin selling artificial milk, grown in a lab, hoping to launch an entirely “cow-free era.” Given their past experiences in cattle trucks, you can see why the Jews may dislike the animals so much, but isn’t this going a little far?

In Judaism, religious restrictions on milk consumption are fairly complex. In dietary law, meat and dairy cannot be consumed together, which is why kosher cannibals always leave their female victims’ breasts wholly untouched. Any rumors to the contrary are merely part of a long-debunked medieval myth known as “The Milk Libel.”

On the other hand, Israel was traditionally promised to the followers of Moses by Yahweh as being “the land of milk and honey,” and the prophesied reconsecration of the Third Temple prior to the Day of Judgment cannot occur until a miraculous red heifer is slaughtered there, so the sudden proliferation of other Israeli bilk-milk firms with silly names like Imagindairy seems to be an overt provocation against the wrath of the Hebrew God. One particularly godless such firm, Wilk, explicitly claims to be fostering “The Яevolution of Milk.” Yet more sinister Judeo-Communism at work.

The big selling point of Remilk’s new patented artificial anti-milk is supposed to be its 100 percent lactose-free nature, thus making it “suitable for those with intolerance.” Itamar Ben-Gvir will be drinking a lot of it, then.

ASSAULT AND BATTERY HENS
In other agricultural news, a man calling himself “Farmer Pete” has been arrested on aggravated battery charges in Florida after allegedly opening fire with a handgun upon two men and a woman he had met on a night out during “an argument over how many eggs a chicken can lay.” None, in the science-neutered Israeli farm of tomorrow, one may guess.

Images of Farmer Pete—who, it has been written, may just possibly have been intoxicated at the time—show an individual who precisely embodies the classic cartoon stereotype of an inbred hillbilly that snobby upper-class East Coast urban Democrats think of whenever they hear the distasteful word “farmer.” Shoeless, wearing a straw hat and blue dungarees, with an unkempt big bushy white beard resembling Methuselah’s groin area, Pete really did look like the kind of primitive pube-rube who Alfred Kinsey would have guessed enjoyed an overly close relationship with certain of his most favored livestock.

Let’s just put it this way. Rather than the old conundrum of “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?” with Pete it looked much more like a case of “Which came first, the chicken or the farmer?”

(Important Legal Note: There is no genuine evidence Farmer Pete has ever had sex with any random farm animal. They would all have voluntarily run an absolute mile to the nearest abattoir first.)

JIGGY WITH MISS PIGGY
One man who staunchly resists our era’s depraved promotion of such unnatural farmyard desires is President Donald J. Trump, who was panned this week for insultingly yelling, “Quiet, Piggy!” at a (presumably obese?) female reporter who dared ask him yet another inconvenient question about why he was still refusing to release the Epstein Files aboard Air Force One.

By coincidence—or otherwise, according to the likes of Marjorie Taylor Greene—a new Miss Piggy movie was announced this week from Hollywood. The natural presumption was that this was simply yet another cheap Muppets spin-off, but maybe it in fact represents the most shocking of all the potential Epstein Tapes?

It could end up being a surprise biopic of Alicia Machado, the former 19-year-old Miss Universe from Venezuela, who won her crown back in 1996, when Donald Trump owned full commercial rights to the famous pork pageant—before a disappointed Donald began deriding Machado as “Miss Piggy” when she put on a bit of weight following her victory. Machado was back in the news this week after herself insulting Orientals by making slitty eyes into a camera online, but maybe she had already pulled similarly strain-eyed expressions when being bedded as a pig in blankets by Epstein and Trump on their alleged old secret home videos?

Being a teenager at the time, Alicia would have made an ideal young grooming project for Jeffrey, and if Donald really had joined in with playing a double-ended game of return the sausage to its birthplace on film too, as his enemies continue to allege, then this could help explain a lot of the president’s recent otherwise more unhinged-seeming actions.

DJT’s threatened invasion of Venezuela makes a lot more sense as a mere military cover story for taking out Miss Piggy Machado with a convenient bunker buster to the head, as does his new immigration directive to the effect that fatties like her ought to be denied visas to enter the U.S., on the ostensible grounds that their subsequent inevitable heart attacks and diabetes will only end up costing the responsibly thin American taxpayer valuable IRS dollars. Final proof of this dark scheme’s reality can be seen in the deliberately taunting name of the government spokesman Trump wheeled out to explain his plan to the press: Tommy Pigott (pronounced “Pig Out,” probably).

Pigs will fly? Under this harsh new regime, only if it’s straight back to Caracas.

IT STARTED WITH A KISS
Laying a chicken or engaging a pig in a poke may not, historically, have been all that unusual for the human race, as scientists announced this week that they had traced the prehistory of kissing as far back as 21 million years ago—not when Joe Biden first met Jill, but when a species defined as “the large apes” (Nigerians) first started sticking their tongues down one another’s throats, to scrape out all the tonsil lice or something.

From then on, hominids with a taste for interspecies action began passing on the elaborate oral technique from evolved monkey being to evolved monkey being, all the way down the evolutionary tree, until eventually Neanderthals ended up swapping saliva with humans.

For the purposes of research, scientists officially defined a kiss as being an act of “non-aggressive, directed oral-oral contact with some movement of lips or mouthparts and no food transfer.” For some people, the act of “food transfer” is the only reason they have kissed anyone at all: Alicia Machado, for example, only ever matches mouths with someone if she sees they happen to be chewing McDonald’s or Taco Bell at the time.

The researchers’ best guess as to why kissing developed in the first place was that it evolved from sophisticated grooming behavior. So did the marriage of Emmanuel and Brigitte Macron. She looks a bit like a monkey, too, come to think of it, doesn’t she?

TAKE OFF YOUR ALGEBRA
Another advanced expert in unnatural grooming behavior was pig-plungin’ Jeffrey Epstein, who was unexpectedly defended this week by former newsreader Megyn Kelly as not truly being a pedophile at all, as he does not appear to have been into legally underage children, as most mainstream media coverage implicitly implies, but preferred “the barely legal type instead.” “He wasn’t into, like, 8-year-olds,” Kelly continued, a line of argument technically known as “The Reverse Muhammad.”

On his comedy talk show, compliant regime jester John Oliver called Megyn’s argument a mere exercise in “doing pedophile math.” Interestingly, Epstein himself started out in life as a math teacher in an upmarket New York high school. To prove it, this column has exclusively unearthed the questions and answers from some of Mr. Epstein’s old end-of-term papers:

Q. What are two feet divided by six inches?
A. The best way inside Virginia Giuffre.

Q. What is 56 minus 17?
A. A normal age gap to observe in ANY healthy young couple.

Q. Calculate the value of Cream-Pi.
A. Depends how much she wants to keep quiet.

Q. What is meant by the term “standard deviation”?
A. Ask Prince Andrew. Ideally under subpoena.

COCK ASIAN MALES
As the above accumulated evidence conclusively demonstrates, the entire Western world is now corrupt and unnatural beyond all possible redemption. Deviancy has begun to spread even in the Orient, too, of course, but over there, leaders are not yellow enough to refuse to reverse the rot. China has just forbidden the country’s most popular gay hookup apps from all future downloads to phones, to try to boost the national birth rate.

The queerphobic Chinese Communist Party (CCP) has begun forcibly closing down all known gay and lesbian bars across the land as a further precaution. All LGBTQ+ services are henceforth being forced underground, their presence now detectable only to those in the know enough to be able to read the potential secret queer codes of everyday Chinese life. For example, if you want a sex-change operation, you have to keep a lookout for a sign above a shop reading “Wi Chopsticks” and hope that was written phonetically by someone with a very poor grasp of grammar.

The way things are going, being gay itself will soon be illegal in China: The only Ho Mo left standing will be the one who has it written on his birth certificate. Bum Ming, Sodo Mi, and Fellai Zho will surely suffer similar fates. Falun Dong has been suppressed for decades already. Homosexuality was only legalized across China in 1997, while CCP doctors only formally recognized it was not a form of mental illness in 2001. Then they heard about George Takei and changed their minds back again.

The rewriting of recent queer history in China is now going so fast that foreign films depicting scenes of gay marriage are being digitally retouched to show normal male-female scenes of matrimony—a practice inspired by close prior intelligence examination of the Macrons’ 2007 wedding photos.

From the 1980s onward, when the Communists first forcibly instituted the “One Child Era” policy for every family—as overpopulation, not underpopulation, was then feared to be the most pressing demographic concern—Chinese authorities were quite content to tacitly tolerate homosexuality, anal births generally being considered impossible, especially if you have piles.

Today, the situation is now so reversed that CCP officials have taken to cold-calling random young women and intrusively asking if they’re pregnant yet, and if not, when their last period was—not all Communists approve of keeping the red rag flying. In the West, housewives are annoyed by endless telesales calls offering them cheap double-glazing. In China, that’s just another way to ensure that at least one of the Party-mandated sperm donors isn’t firing any blanks.

Things have gotten so bad, some rogue Communist mandarins are now approaching barren housewives directly and demanding a free go at impregnating them on the spot in their own homes. “Is there no other, more democlatic, way I can get lid of you without spleading my regs?” asked one of the targeted females, after receiving an unwanted knock on her door one day. “You could always tly holding an erection,” her tormentor replied.

TALKING TURKEY
Another clear sign of unnatural practices in our world today is the frankly perverted spread of Thanksgiving to foreign countries that are quite clearly not America, a trend that makes about as much sense as them celebrating Ramadan in Minnesota. The latest nation to bite the turkey ahead of this year’s feast on Thursday is the U.K., where sales of traditional Thanksgiving fare like pecan pie and fentanyl have absolutely shot through the roof this year.

Ironically, in the U.S. itself, sales of Thanksgiving food may well go down, with costs for filling up an average family’s dinner table accelerating by some 18 percent compared with this time last year, to around $158. A standard-size turkey alone now costs $68. The wholly unnatural solution? Make some lab-grown birds instead!

The Jews have not as yet succeeded in creating turkey-in-a-test-tube like they have with brewing milk-under-a-microscope, but efforts in this very field have been ongoing for more than a decade now, the hope being artificial turkeys will be ready, stuffed, and on your plate by as soon as 2030…at an initial estimated cost of $34,000 per poultry. How bad exactly is inflation going to get over the next half decade?

The man behind the scheme, Professor Paul Mozdziak of North Carolina State University, has admitted that “I find a lot of beauty in turkeys,” albeit being much more of a breast man than a leg one. The way his technique works is that stem cells from the breast of an original dead turkey are extracted and suspended within a “warm broth” of amino acids, which fools them into continuing their usual growth pattern of producing further edible meat. The subsequent rate of reproduction is astounding: “One single stem cell from the original biopsy can produce enough muscle to make more than 20 trillion turkey nuggets.”

That should almost be enough to keep Alicia Machado going for a full week.