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The Week’s Most Diaper Change Consent, Rapists for Rent, and Sheep That Are Bent Headlines

THE JUDGMENT OF GOD
A strange and sinister new cult has been discovered operating in the United States of America: It’s called Christianity, and it is EVIL. So says a judge of the Portland District Court, who has ruled that a mother can only maintain custody of her 12-year-old daughter Ava if she keeps the vulnerable child as far away as possible from her usual Evangelical Church, as she is in severe danger of suffering abuse there.

What kind of abuse? “Abuse” like being prayed for, being baptized, and being shown images of demons that were deemed to be too “scary.” In the opinion of one expert witness, Marxist sociology professor Dr. Janja Lalich, Ava’s church was a “cultic” organization; as a Marxist, Dr. Lalich should know, because she’s already in one.

The judge agreed, finding Ava’s mother to be a fully fit parent apart from the fact she was a Christian. His Dishonor then patronizingly refused to capitalize the word “God” on court documents, before handing down a series of harsh custody conditions if the little girl was not to be taken away. These included Ava not being allowed to read the Bible, meet with any of her old chapel friends, or attend any weddings or funerals held at any church whatsoever, not just her customary one.

Whether this will include Ava not being able to attend her own funeral once she shortly commits child suicide in complete despair shall probably become a matter for the Supreme Court.

ORTHODOX BRO’HOOD
At the precise same time Christianity is being damned as a cult, American teens are being pushed toward the transgender definitely-not-a-cult instead. One suspected member, Donald Trump’s would-be assassin Thomas Crooks, has been exposed as enjoying a bizarre obsession with online images of something called “Muscle Mommies,” which consist of normal women’s heads crudely placed atop the torsos of muscly male bodybuilders. In other words, photos of Michelle Obama.

America’s young men have clearly had their minds badly warped by leftism; the best solution may be the counter-cult of Orthodox Christianity, which new figures show is soaring in popularity among male younglings. Orthodoxy is still fringe, accounting for only 1 percent of the national population, as opposed to 40 percent who are Protestant, 20 percent who are Catholic, and 39 percent who are going straight to hell with Muhammad and Moses. But unlike most declining Christian denominations, Orthodoxy is actually growing.

Its main appeal is that, unlike fashionable woke rivals who embrace trannies and towelheads, Orthodox Christians actually remain proper traditional Christians, as demonstrated by their popular joke “How many Orthodoxes does it take to change a lightbulb?” “Change? What’s that?” (The alternative, Amish answer is “What’s a lightbulb?”)

Marking last week’s International Men’s Day (IMD), there was much media talk of Orthodox online influencers called “Orthobros,” who provide manly, masculine role models for Western youth who are otherwise sadly lacking in our pansy, trannified age.

Over in the U.K., Deputy PM David Lammy, very black and very proud of it, made an IMD video naming his own ideal male role model from his own confused youth: Bill Cosby. Lammy was abandoned as a schoolboy by his father (as we say, Lammy is black), and absorbing Bill’s fine, youth-loving vibes from TV as a child, David said, “helped fill the great father-shaped hole in my life.”

That’s another court case for Cosby to be facing soon, then.

LEND ME YOUR EARS, OR LEND ME YOUR REARS
Although Mr. Cosby is now far too frail and infirm to have joined in with helping fill any more father-shaped holes personally, there seems to have been something of a global competition this week to see who could rape someone in the strangest possible way.

Predictably, the Africans made the earliest running. A disturbing report into the mass rape of 300 female inmates by male prisoners in a Congolese jail (see what happens when you let them share, Stonewall?) featured the quite deafening detail that the men raped the women in all available orifices…even their ears. Normally it’s a good thing when an alert female victim hears her rapist coming, but not in this case.

Not to be outdone, two white Texan pedophiles hatched an even more ambitious plan to commandeer a ship and invade Gonave Island off Haiti, backed up by “an army of homeless people” recruited from Washington, D.C.—in other words, an army of other Haitians. It was to be like the Bay of Pigs all over again, but even less successful. The two Texans planned to have their forces kill every last male on the island, before forcing all the women and underage girls to become their sex slaves—perhaps 60,000 of them. If they really wanted to invade a small helpless island and rape all the kids in the company of an army of homeless black men, why didn’t they just sail to Great Britain?

Contrariwise, a suicidal Englishwoman, Sonia Exelby, flew across the Atlantic seeking to be “sexually abused and possibly murdered” by a Florida man named Dwain Hall, after meeting him on a fetish website and agreeing to pay him thousands of dollars. Dwain says he had her consent to allegedly molest and stab her, but skeptics argue she was clearly out of her mind at the time. Evidently so. If Sonia wanted to be raped and stabbed by a stranger and fled the U.K., she really must have been insane.

SUCKING ON A LEMON
In other hilarious rape news, Jeffrey Epstein has been revealed as possessing an “extremely deformed” penis that was “the shape of a lemon.” Being forced to squeeze its juices left Jeffrey’s victims with a bitter taste in their mouth. That is the accusation of one such alleged unfortunate, Rinah Oh.

Rumors of Epstein’s loin-lemon first emerged, reports said, “when he was grilled by a lawyer in 2009.” The lawyer must have been expecting a sausage.

At a reputed mere two inches long, Jeffrey’s high-hanging fruit may have been even more of a micropenis than that recently unveiled as having belonged to Adolf Hitler. Life can’t have been easy for Epstein with such a freakish member, but as the man himself was often heard to say when giving yet another 15-year-old a golden shower, “When life hands me lemons, I make lemonade!” It was still better than when he made fizzy cream soda.

The extreme psychosexual instability and distress caused by his bizarre lemon dick was what caused Epstein to enter into his whole life of sin in the first place, Oh testifies. It also explains why he chose a Limey as his procuress.

THE LEGEND OF ZELDIN
It is always possible Oh’s abuser was not Epstein at all, of course, and it was simply a case of mistaken genital identity. After all, retarded black Democrat Congresswoman Jasmine Crockett this week made the grave mistake of incorrectly accusing Republican Party opponent Lee Zeldin of accepting political donations from Jeffrey Epstein.

Zeldin admitted this was so, but that they were from a different Jeffrey Epstein, a completely unrelated neurosurgeon from Long Island—something that should have been blatantly obvious, as Dr. Epstein’s donations were made after the lemony pedophile had popped his final pips in a federal prison. Rather than just admitting she was thick as a bucket of frozen concrete, Crockett’s genuine excuse was pure genius, of a kind: “Listen, I never said it was that Jeffrey Epstein.”

What next? Falsely accusing Toys “R” Us of being financed by Jeffrey too, to allow him easy access to the nation’s kids? “Listen, I never said it was that Jeffrey,” Crockett would respond, after being confronted with a libel suit from a large, angry, bipedal giraffe.

As for Dr. Jeffrey Epstein (the live Long Island one, not the dead pedo one), he decided on a foolproof plan to get his own back: He pledged to make a small and feeble donation to Jasmine Crockett himself, thereby to allow Lee Zeldin to legitimately make loud public claims right back that Crockett was also in receipt of funding from Jeffrey Epstein too.

Poetic justice indeed. Poor, wronged Lee Zeldin. How would Crockett herself feel if she was wrongly associated with Davy Crockett on the mistaken grounds of their shared name and indelible association with the word “coonskin”?

CRADLE OF FILTH
In such a dark, predator-filled world, it is vital to give our children comprehensive anti-rape training while they are still young—while they are still literal babies, in fact.

This is the sincere recommendation of two soppy women posing as experts in the field of Early Childhood from Australia’s Deakin University, who have written a shared paper explaining that parents should exploit the process of changing a soiled diaper to teach children about the concepts of informed consent, bodily autonomy, and inappropriate touching. Rather than simply whipping the diaper off without asking, like they would in a Congolese prison, enlightened parents must inform babies that they need their bum-rag swapping, and then “pause so they can take this in.” Even though most babies cannot understand words yet. Because they are babies.

Then parents should closely observe their infant’s facial expressions and body language to check that they comprehend what is happening. After both parties sign and date some kind of official consent form, children are NOT to be distracted from the actual diaper-change procedure by the adult foolishly singing or blowing raspberries to make the baby laugh. Instead, say the researchers, “It’s important children notice when someone is touching their most intimate parts,” to prepare them for a life in the Muslim-majority Western nations that are their future.

As such, when enjoying the sponging down of their polluted parts, babies should be educated by their mothers or fathers of the correct specific anatomical names for their bits, rather than having infantile nonsense like “pee-pee” or “poo-poo” babbled at them—the specific medical-book terms the potty professors advise be used are “vulva, penis, anus.”

The “scholarly” rationale is that, by accurately using such educated words once able to talk, the babies will be empowered to reassure other responsible “trusted adults,” like teachers, policemen, or Congresswoman Jasmine Crockett, that they are fully safe and in control of their own bodies. Yes, because nothing says “definitely not at-risk” like a 2-year-old who repeatedly uses the word “vulva,” does it?

Why not just teach them how to say the word “lemon,” and leave it at that?

EWE ARE SO GAY!
Also in need of having their vulnerable bodies protected are our planet’s oppressed homosexual sheep. A New York fashion show, “I Wool Survive” (a reference to AIDS?), has just taken place, in which all the clothes, from gay little sailor suits to big gay suits of skintight woolen armor, were knitted from the coats of gay sheep. Said animals are sourced from the fields of a German agricultural “charity,” Rainbow Flock, which claims one in every twelve sheep is gay, just like one member of every jury.

Rams that rim are treated appallingly, says the queer shepherd in charge. As they refuse to mate with the ewes, they are sent off for slaughter early by callous, homophobic, Nazi farmers, so the charity gives them a safe home.

Yet a rainbow sheep’s needs are multifarious and expensive, necessitating the creation of an “Adopt a Gay Ram” scheme of “Sponsorsheep,” in which donors pay for “food and medicine to keep them happy and healthy for life” (quinoa and antiretrovirals). The sheep all have punning human names, like Horny, Woolly Wonka, and Prince Wooliam. Wasn’t Prince Edward supposed to be the gay one? There is even a highly endangered gay Muslim sheep on the Rainbow Farm, called Määhmet. Muslim sheep go “Mää!” not “Baa!” apparently; so why not call him Määhammad?

Rather than staging gay fashion shows, they should use the wool of queer sheep to knit the homemade “pussy hats” of all those feminist anti-Trump protesters we see marching about like morons these days at No Kings marches. An intersectional row has been reported as having broken out among them over whether having hats shaped like pink vulvas is racist and sexist against some fellow “female” marchers who possess black and brown penises instead.

Very well, stick large knitted phalluses on some of their scalps, too—let the whole world see they are quite literally dickheads.

If, during their current heated arguments, one marcher with male genitalia on their hat should happen to headbutt another one wearing female genitalia, would that technically constitute yet another act of rape too?