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The Week’s Most Repopulating China, Abusing a Manger Minor, and Stabbing Rob Reiner Headlines

IT’S LIKE BEING BORN IN 1984
It’s a good job Jesus wasn’t German—otherwise, the very moment the Angel Gabriel announced His imminent arrival, the Holy Messenger of God would have been arrested. Do you know the date of Our Lord and Savior’s birthday this week? Correct, 25 December. That’s exactly the kind of sensitive personal info that, if commonly enough known, would leave the adult Christ-Child wide open to potential fraud and identity-theft crimes of all kinds: Once the Antichrist gets hold of Jesus’ unique E.U. Social Security number, nobody will ever be able to prove he isn’t the real thing, not even the Pope.

This is precisely the kind of unpleasant bureaucratic outcome that the German university town (that’s why it’s so stupid) of Tübingen has now legislated to avoid. The place’s mayor, Boris Palmer, has found himself subject to an official complaint and subsequent investigation by the authorities after being deemed to have potentially breached the European Union’s strict General Data Protection Regulation (GDPR) laws by publicly wishing a local resident a happy 75th birthday. Letting other people know the man’s age in this way, it is alleged, may allow fraudsters and con men to hijack the old man’s identity to successfully apply for fake passports, ID cards, or an illegitimate free pensioner’s bus pass and discount membership of the Tübingen Indoor Bowls Club.

Mayor Palmer complained that such needlessly officious enforcement of petty rules “is how you destroy community and then call it legal compliance.” Of course. What else does he think the European Union is for? Surely not the well-being of the European people.

The E.U. implausibly claims its libraries and warehouses full of farcically byzantine rules and regulations are a protective thin legislative line, all that stands between the continent and an immediate return to 1930s-style war, extremism, and total economic collapse. To expect anyone half sentient to swallow that, they must think we were all born yesterday—a belief that, ironically, if ever expressed by any of its representatives within the confines of an open public forum, would technically be in contravention of Clause 116b, subparagraph iii, of the GDPR Act 2018.

WOG IN THE MANGER
If publicly celebrating Jesus’ birthday is henceforth to be rendered illegal across the entire E.U., then that leaves a gaping, religious-shaped hole for outside, culturally alien invaders to opportunistically rush into—as shown literally by a fugitive black African migrant who attempted to hide from police by jumping into a life-size Nativity scene diorama in the Italian town of Galatone.

Being hunted on assault charges, the unnamed Ghanaian inventively decided to pose as a hitherto-unknown Fourth Wise Man in the display, the Four Kings now bringing the Baby Jesus gifts of not only gold, frankincense, and myrrh, but also probable Ebola.

When the town’s mayor first spotted the latest addition to the scene, he took a quite brilliant photo of the invader posturing like a stuffed bear. The mayor was about to call the sculptor to congratulate him on the incredible realism of his handiwork, until suddenly he saw the statue move…possibly to begin taking off his clothes, a striptease the migrant later got partway through after running away and hiding in a nearby church, where he was apprehended by carabinieri.

Sadly, the handcuffing came all too late. While the (un?)wanted man was still at large in the stable, the other Nativity participants had already been badly abused. Subsequent examination of their soiled statues demonstrated Mary was no longer a Virgin, nor was the Infant Jesus; questioned by officers, the man admitted that, being from Africa, he had heard doing that kind of thing to a baby was the most reliable known method of curing AIDS.

THE BALLOT AND THE BULLET
The original Three Immigrant Kings came from the Orient, of course, by which was meant the Middle East. There were no Muslims around yet in Baby Jesus’ day, of course, but there certainly are now, and it is such modern-day Orienteers who are most visibly gushing into our spiritually naked nations to occupy the global civilizational vacuum created by the E.U.’s absurd data protection laws. Wherever you look, everywhere across the planet, Muslims are taking over.

In America, New York City is now a noted outpost of Mecca too, with newly released figures demonstrating an Allah-tastic 97 percent of the metropolis’ Muslim electorate voted for Zohran Mamdani to be their new Chief Vizier earlier this year. The other 3 percent were told to cast their ballots elsewhere by their al-Qaeda handlers, lest the whole takeover just seem too obvious.

STATE OF TURTLE WAR DECLARED
As it becomes progressively clear America is due to fall to Islam in coming decades, just like Europe, Australasia, Africa, and Asia, citizens worldwide are cravenly attempting to visibly assimilate themselves with the murderous moon-cult fully half a lifetime early. Consider a weird new American terror organization, the Turtle Island Liberation Front, who eagerly demonstrated their innate Islamminess this week by being arrested for planning to blow up half of Los Angeles with IEDs, just like the Turtle Taliban would.

Being anti-capitalist and pro–mass immigration, the Perpetually Teenage Mutant Whinger Turtles allegedly aimed to incinerate ICE border control facilities and business logistics centers together with their worthless far-right occupants using homemade pipe bombs. Cunningly, they planned to detonate their devices on New Year’s Eve, in the hope explosions would pass disguised as extremely loud fireworks, the very same tactics once made good use of by Guy Fawkes when equally artfully scheduling to blow up the English Parliament on Bonfire Night 1605. Somewhat less cunningly, the Turtle Morons appeared not to realize most such targets would be empty of potential human victims at this very same time…because it was New Year’s Eve.

The mad bombers—a bunch of anti-rich rich kids and transgender Marxist freaks from predictable backgrounds of utterly unacknowledged privilege, as per usual—sought to toady toward their future Koranic overlords by saying their plot was performed partly in the name of liberating Palestine, even though Los Angeles isn’t in Palestine, it’s in Los Angeles. But then, the Turtle Islanders’ grasp of geography is not very strong.

Being innately anti-colonialist, the terror cell named themselves after a traditional old Native American title for the American continent, Turtle Island. This is not a secret subregion of Super Mario World, but refers to an ancient myth that, following a huge global flood at the dawn of time, a giant floating turtle miraculously appeared in the ocean and allowed the drowning Indians to live on its soil-bearing shell as their ark-like home—this same super-buoyant home since being invaded by white men and forcibly rechristened to bear the evil name “USA.” Implausible as this new attempted rewriting of national history may all sound, it’s still more accurate than the 1619 Project.

Rather than a cute endangered turtle, maliciously renaming America after something far worse and more offensive that also floats in water would of course be possible—but sadly the name “Turd Island” has already been taken for use by the U.K. under the current Labour Party government. Which certainly helps explain why the place grows ever browner by the passing day.

THIS IS FINAL SNAP
Another Turtle Islander determined to ingratiate himself with Mecca this week was Nick Reiner, who woke up feeling so very Muslim indeed one morning that he went straight out and stabbed two Jews—his parents.

Walking into the kitchen and seeing his wife rolling her eyes and moaning wildly, the now-deceased When Harry Met Sally… director Rob said, “I’ll have what she’s having!” and his son Nick certainly then obliged. Nick may now face the death penalty for his alleged crime, hopefully to be performed by hanging—This Is Spinal Snap.

It is rumored Nick Reiner may well have had some kind of serious drug problem, thus accounting for his apparent parent-slaying antics, but there is another possibility. Being long-term major Democratic Party donors and activists, it is reported that, the very same night Nick is meant to have stabbed them, the Reiners were scheduled to be meeting Barack and Michelle Obama for an extended catch-up gathering. Are we sure this wasn’t just a mercy killing?

In a similarly violent parent-child reverse situation, meanwhile, an 84-year-old Florida father, William Nowak, has been accused of shooting his son point-blank in the face after becoming annoyed the younger man was not visiting him enough. He won’t be visiting him much more now, will he?

A MESSI SITUATION
White Westerners and Jews converting to radical Islam for Christmas is bad enough, but even previously non-Muslim brown people are now going that way too; Hindus in India, for example. This week, a crowd of thousands who had paid out a full seven days’ average Third World wages to see the planet’s most famous soccer player, Argentina’s devoutly Catholic Lionel Messi, have a kick-about in a Calcutta stadium rioted after being mortally disappointed by the feeble show on offer, which turned out to be distinctly not as advertised.

Billing himself as the Greatest of All Time, or GOAT, the infidel entertainer had promised to show off his super-skills at length but cut his ball-juggling act short, after which disappointed fans began ripping up seats and hurling them onto the pitch.

However, such reporting may only be a matter of media misinterpretation. Rather than feeling shortchanged by the early finish, maybe the true reason India’s new Muslim converts became violent at the climax of Messi’s much-hyped GOAT Tour was because they had actually come along to watch the GOAT be sacrificed in the middle of the center circle?

PRESIDENT X AE A-Xii JINPING
The largely secular Taoist Chinese are in on this whole festive, acting-like-Muslims craze now too—or at least one particular Chinese person is, by attempting to do the seemingly impossible and breed every bit as prolifically as they do.

Xu Bo (Mandarin for Xbox) is an evil reclusive billionaire, like Mr. Burns from The Simpsons but slightly more yellow. The founder of a highly successful online gaming company, he has reputedly chosen to plow his profits into producing a fearsome infant army of 100–300 children, via paying willing American ladies to take his sperm inside them and act as surrogate, fetus-bearing mothers. Xu Bo’s ultimate aim, it is alleged, is to create “50 high-quality sons” and then marry them off to the often equally sperm-donored children of his rough Western counterpart Elon Musk, thereby to create a dynasty of East-West super-beings to rule the world, like George Takei thinks he does.

Aiming to conquer the planet via a superior birth rate is indeed a highly Islam-like scheme, particularly when you consider that, as Elon Musk himself is alleged to have “only” approximately fourteen children, designer or otherwise, marrying off fifty others to them would necessarily entail several acts of blatant polygamy. However, there is a flaw in Mr. Xbox’s plan. Of Musk’s fourteen known progeny, the majority are male (particularly the one who thinks he’s a woman). So most of these would have to be gay polygamous marriages, which does sound ever so slightly haram.

Perhaps embarrassed by this obvious failing, Xu Bo denies all such sensational media claims, but there is suggestive evidence they may be true nonetheless. Otherwise, why would a proud Chinaman like Xu have saddled all his kids with silly, unpronounceable made-up names full of Xs, if not to directly attract the attention of the father of toddlers landed with equally spellcheck-thwarting monikers like X AE A-Xii?

Merry X-Mas Every1!

Is what Elon Musk would call his next baby if it happened to be squirted up inside Grimes or Ashley St. Clair via a sniper with a water pistol this Dec. 25. Although, if it is, and he ever reveals this fact to the world uncensored, openly on X, he too will find himself instantly being arrested under excessively strict German data protection laws.