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The Week’s Most Racial Facial Blank, Palestinian Anne Frank, and Trump’s Trolling Plaque Prank Headlines

PREDICTABLE FAILURE
At last, 2026 is here, which means it’s time for the latest batch of annual predictions from renowned dead psychic Baba Vanga, which this year include the forecast that mankind will make its first public contact with aliens…much like she also predicted would occur last year, in the middle of a live, televised sporting event. But still no aliens. Unless she thought Dennis Rodman was going to be making a comeback?

Vanga was an elderly blind Bulgarian mystic who supposedly lost her sight aged 12 “after being caught in a tornado.” Fate compensated Vanga for her vanished vision by enabling her to see into the future instead—but, annoyingly, she didn’t bother to ever write any of her prophecies down, which means we must now rely upon her niece “remembering” them for us, apparently very inaccurately.

Baba’s vague divinations work much as Nostradamus’ once did; phrased in cryptic riddles, they can be interpreted however you want, like a doctor’s handwriting. The following prophecy, for example, is supposed to have predicted the 2008 election of Barack Obama: “A black man will come to a white house and leave chaos and destruction in his wake.” It could just as easily have predicted O.J. Simpson.

THERE’LL BE BLACK BIRDS OVER THE WHITE CLIFFS OF DOVER
If you thought Baba Vanga’s cases of mistaken racial identity were bad, at least she had the excuse of being blind. Less easily forgivable were the bizarre “mistakes” of British scientists all too pathetically eager to “prove” their land had always been a nation of immigrants by credulously misidentifying the remains of a 2,000-year-old white woman as those of a 2,000-year-old black woman instead, after discovering them at Beachy Head, down the coast from the White Cliffs of Dover—or the Jimmy Cliffs, as the scientists said they were called.

Beachy Head Woman was a mere skinless skeleton by the time she was dug up, so archaeologists sent her off to some silly Scotswoman called Prof. Caroline Wilkinson at the “University” of Dundee to bung loads of clay all over her skull, at which point she squinted and said, “Oh, it looks like an African.” Of course it did, clay is brown. If she’d done it with plaster of Paris instead, would Dr. Wilkinson have thought it was a Moomin?

More precise modern DNA testing has now displaced the evidence of Dr. W’s tub of Play-Doh, however, demonstrating this supposed “African” actually had white skin, blond hair, and blue eyes, meaning a large plaque specifically identifying her as being “Of African origin,” erected there after she was mentioned in a book by activist black BBC historian David Olusoga, had to be removed. They should nail it to Olusoga’s head next, it would be more accurate.

Yet disappointed U.K. Afrocentrists need not despair, there was still some evidence of black people’s presence in Roman Britain to be found lurking amongst the bones—the woman had a large stab wound in her leg.

KOREA SWAPS
Even more racially confused was whoever illustrated an endorsement quote from noted black Texas Democrat Jasmine Crockett (Empty Head Woman) on the website of an allied California Democrat named Esther Kim Varet with a photo of a completely different black lady with an Afro (Bushy Head Woman) by mistake. Asked for a comment, Crockett herself generously forgave her East Asian colleague the slipup, saying, “I love Lucy Liu!”

This photographic error is ironic, as Esther Kim herself keeps on getting mistaken for her rival California Republican candidate, Young Kim, who herself keeps on getting mistaken for that little fat murdering guy who runs North Korea. Actually, Esther Kim is the one who is of North Korean background, whereas Young Kim is of South Korean background. Both, however, claim somehow to be Americans.

Certain people doubt it, though, with Esther Kim alleging Young Kim has terrible trouble disguising her ancestral accent, implying she is not truly American at all. Esther Kim has further insulted her other racial foes with similar tweets, telling Christian Martinez, a national Hispanic campaigner for the Republicans, to “prove that you’re a REAL Latino,” as she herself was clearly a real American.

To which Martinez immediately replied, “Try to say the words ‘REAL Latino’ out loud and I might believe you.”

Why can’t these people all just calm down and apologize to one another? For Koreans, solly really is the hardest word.

PLAQUE CAUSES TRUTH DECAY
More historically misleading plaques were erected this week by noted scholar Donald Trump, who took the opportunity to alter the captions beneath his predecessors’ portraits on the White House Walk of Fame, in particular that of Joe Biden, now depicted by a stock image of an autopen signing his name, and disrespectfully described in tweet-like terms as follows:

Sleepy Joe Biden was, by far, the worst President in American History. Taking office as a result of the most corrupt Election ever seen in the United States, Biden oversaw a series of unprecedented disasters that brought our Nation to the brink of destruction.

Barack Obama, meanwhile, was rewritten into history like so:

Barack Hussein Obama was the first Black President, a community organizer, one term Senator from Illinois, and one of the most divisive political figures in American History. As President, he passed the highly ineffective “Unaffordable Care” Act.

Trump’s own hyperbolic new plaque caption, meanwhile, went like this:

President Donald J Trump was the Most Erratic User of CAPiTAL LeTTeRS in the ENTIRE HISTORY OF THE usa. In his INCREDIBLE 2025 plaque in memory of bARACK hUSSEIN O’Bama, he even stooped SO LOW as to spell the word “Black” with a capital “B”!

Trump may have scurrilously substituted Sleepy Joe’s photo with an autopen, but what will his own portrait one day be replaced with a disparaging likeness of by his future enemies? Baba Vanga predicts it may be a condom.

POTUS ON YOUR PENIS
Alarmed by its falling birth rate, to mark the New Year, China has placed a prohibitive new tax on condoms from 1 January, aiming to make them far too expensive for most reluctant parents to purchase. Just wait until they see how much an actual child costs them.

America, also suffering a low birth rate, conceived a different condom-related tactic: Print Donald Trump’s face on them, to discourage purchase that way. For added prophylactic effect, the capitalized slogan “DON’T FORGET TO USE PROTECTION OR ANOTHER ONE OF THESE MIGHT BE BORN” is also printed on the packet.

Shocking new photos released from inside Jeffrey Epstein’s sex dungeon show boxes of extra-large, jumbo condoms with the President’s grinning face on the tip; the harder you get, the more bigly he balloons. If Trump ever rolled one over onto his own penis, he’d probably immediately try to crouch down and suck it.

Still, having your head on a dick is always much better than having a dick on your head. Like Barack Obama soon will, once Trump finishes drawing his new official Hall of Fame portrait for him, too.

FRANKLY MISLEADING
Trump was very busy in the lead-up to Christmas, not only writing insulting captions for his predecessors but also signing into law rules banning Palestinians from entering the U.S., due to their strong “terrorist presence” and “extremist activity”—a measure that would be bad news indeed for Anne Frank. How come? Yet another case of mistaken racial identity.

Despite being the best-known Jewish female since Mrs. Moses, the Nazis’ most celebrated victim was herself the subject of a deliberately disingenuous and belittling new portrait this week, being depicted not as an autopen or a novelty condom commissioned by a dead pedophile, but as a devout Muslim. Anne Frank famously lived in an attic. But now, she’s had a sudden loft conversion.

A Potsdam museum has unveiled a controversial new painting of Anne, from Italian dauber Constantino Ciervo, depicting her sat at a desk in her Amsterdam hidey-hole wearing a typical Palestinian keffiyeh tea towel scarf, thus making her a probable member of Hamas.

Holland’s Jewish community said they strenuously objected to this offensive artistic exploitation of their people’s most well-recognized and visible face, and demanded it be immediately removed. To which Signor Ciervo replied, “No problem, I’ll just repaint over her in a burka instead.”

THE HUNGER GAMES
Besides everything else, Anne Frank was also famous for the efficacy of her late-life diet plan. Might this mean she really was Palestinian after all?

In the U.K., a group of five pro-Pally hunger strikers (there were originally seven, but in the end two snapped and “ate a fucking sandwich,” as one man with a real job helpfully advised them to grow up and do on camera here) are well on the way to starving themselves to death in prison, to what they fondly imagine is the massed admiration of the entire nation, whereas in actual fact most people are just laughing at them as a bunch of stupid, overprivileged, Keffiyeh Patch Kids.

Uniquely in the entire annals of hunger striking, one of them is only refusing food every other day. That’s not a hunger strike, it’s a diet.

Another non-prison-based supporter, a female councillor in the lefty London borough of Islington, has gone on a 24-hour hunger strike: not as in refusing food, 24 hours a day, until she dies like Gandhi did (albeit of a different cause), but refusing all chickpeas and hummus for 24 hours in total. She probably just wanted to lose a few pounds for the office Christmas party.

The group has made several unrealistic demands of the government if they are to stop their starvation, including the release of all Palestine Action terror-group supporters from jail, the closing down of Israeli arms manufacturers on British soil, and a personal meeting with Justice Secretary David Lammy. This final petition is made purely for the sake of keeping up morale. One glimpse of Fat Boy Lammy in the room, and the rebels’ determination to diet would never end.

FLATTENING TO DECEIVE
One dangerous criminal who will certainly never starve to death in prison is Eric Thomas Pancake, a 38-year-old Palm City felon who, if he ever felt too hungry to bear it anymore, could always simply eat himself after applying a small squeeze of lemon.

And what was Mr. Pancake behind bars for in the first place? Getting violent one day and flattening his father. Who was also called Pancake. How much flatter could the guy get?

If Eric ever runs out of tasty Pancake flaps to chew, he could always try contacting a fellow new prisoner, big fat bastard Cedric Lodge, sentenced to eight years behind a single bar (he’s so wide it’s all they’d need, like an anti-parking bollard) for abusing his role as a morgue manager at Harvard Medical School to steal tasty body parts and sell them to anyone who wanted some, “as if they were baubles.” Hanging a pair of actual balls on your Christmas tree would certainly be an excellent way to celebrate your successful transition. Human intestines would make some good bright-red tinsel wrap, too.

Reportedly, clients wanted sliced cadavers for some pretty strange reasons, like binding books in human skin, or gaining a nice spare human face, “perhaps to be kept on a shelf.” Or perhaps to be glued onto the skull of Beachy Head Woman so woke scientists at the University of Dundee can pretend she wasn’t really a disappointingly local white British woman after all?

Award for dumbest criminal of the week, though, must go to Latoya Clark, a black lady (did you guess?) from Florida, due to appear in court on fraud charges. Yet she did not appear in the dock on time—as she had just been arrested and placed in a cell after attempting to drive to her appearance inside a stolen vehicle. Repeatedly getting yourself imprisoned so you can’t be imprisoned—is that really severe mental retardation, or a form of actual genius?

DISORGANIZED RESISTANCE
Muslim Anne Franks, POTUS condoms, Pancakes flattening Pancakes…Baba Vanga never foresaw any of this, thus clearly making her completely useless at her alleged job of “being very psychic.” Maybe Blind Baba could just blame her ADHD?

That’s what one British woman, Nicole Hogger, has just done. Hogger has won compensation from an employment tribunal after moaning that being called “disorganized” by her boss was a form of discrimination. An employee at God’s own publicity company, Genesis PR (the Vatican recently lost the contract), Hogger testified her disorganization was merely a symptom of her ADHD, thus making it a protected characteristic under ironically retarded disability rights legislation.

For someone so very unable to organize the proverbial piss-up in a brewery, however, Hogger did prove curiously able to organize herself some pampering massages and shopping trips—all when she should have been at work answering phones. She also demonstrated “poor organization, forgetfulness, and difficulty getting started on tasks requiring significant mental effort,” so her bosses took their cue from Donald Trump and tried to replace her with an autopen. Yet the tribunal judge said this was wrong, ruling that bosses had failed to propose any “practical steps to avoid a similar situation arising in the future.” Isn’t that precisely what they were doing by sacking the daft bitch?

On an end note, Baba Vanga has also predicted (as she does most years) that 2026 will be the year the world finally ends. Open your eyes, love, it’s already happened!

IMPORTANT INFORMATION: With Ms. Hogger’s tragic case in mind, The Week That Perished will now be taking a short 2026 break. REGULAR PROGRAMMING WILL RETURN SOON.