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The 13 Most Annoying People of 2013

December 30, 2013

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Ethan Krupp

8. MEG LANKER-SIMONS
With the body of a buffalo and the personality of a shrew, the hyphenated heifer fabricated a hate hoax at the University of Wyoming wherein she basically threatened herself with rape because no one had proved willing to rape her. She had previously been convicted of aggravated assault for a 2005 incident in which she brandished a gun at a radio DJ.

7. KANYE WEST
The loins of the Dumbest Egomaniac Who Ever Lived bore fruit this year as West coupled his DNA with that of onion-hipped gold-digging professional cunt Kim Kardashian to produce a child they named North West. The past year also saw Kanye sporting a Rebel flag and bequeathing golden quotes to the world such as “I’m the Braveheart of creativity,” “I am a god,” “I am the nucleus,” “I am so credible and so influential and so relevant that I will change things,” and “For me to say I wasn’t a genius, I would just be lying to you and to myself.” This year alone he compared himself to Steve Jobs, Walt Disney, Howard Hughes, Da Vinci, Michelangelo, and Jesus.

6. ANTHONY WEINER
Before the world learned that he couldn’t keep his dick in his pants, Weiner was a greasy rageball who’d throw tantrums in front of Congress. Then, in 2011, the world learned he couldn’t keep his dick in his pants, and he resigned his congressional post. This year he almost became New York’s mayor until it was revealed yet again that he can’t keep his dick in his pants. I hope the erection was worth the election! This past year Weiner also pretended to be Jamaican and yelled at another Jew in a bakery.

5. RACHEL JEANTEL
This petulant chocolate toadstool was the defense’s star witness in the George Zimmerman murder trial, but hers is a star that burns very dimly indeed. Watching her barely conscious bulk crammed into the witness stand as she grunted her answers, half of America said, “Wow, she’s stupid” while the other half of America thought, “Wow, she’s stupid” without saying anything. Which leads me to my next selection…

4. PIERS MORGAN
This fey, pompous, snooty, lime-farting Enemy of All Things American had the gall and fundamental lack of honesty to call Rachel Jeantel a “smart cookie” after an appearance on his show that revealed Jeantel to be dumber than a hippo basking in an African mud pond. All year long, Morgan railed against guns, racism, Americans, American guns, American racists, and American racists with guns. Here’s hoping that some meth-addled gun nuts somewhere in the American heartland devise a gun big enough to shoot Piers Morgan all the way back to England.

3. HUGO SCHWYZER
Schwyzer is a “male feminist” who once wrote an article called Why the ‘End’ of White Men Is Actually Good for White Men.” It would have been good for white men if Schwyzer’s suicide attempt this year had been successful, but alas, poor Hugo failed. Schwyzer, who became a “male feminist” after earlier stints as a self-admitted attempted murderer and sexual assailant, had a monstrously narcissistic public breakdown on Twitter this year in the wake of a sexting scandal that he wound up blaming on “mental illness.” It was his second failed suicide attempt. Third time’s a charm!

2. TOURÉ
This sourpussed high-yella jerkoff is MSBNC’s go-to pseudo-black guy whenever they want to blame white males for everything, which is always. He attended prep school in Massachusetts and is both in mannerisms and life experiences about as black as whipped cream. In college he edited a blackety-black newspaper that was “criticized for being militantly anti-white.” He has forged a career upon being black and talking about black things in a black way that stupid racist whites could never understand, but he fails to realize that such tired race-baiting only serves to create more white racists than Tom Metzger’s latest country-and-western album.

1. ETHAN “PAJAMA BOY” KRUPP
This defanged, deballed, hi-snark/lo-testosterone, curly-haired bespectacled beta geek snuggled up in red PJs as he blithely sips a mug of cocoa is easily the most objectionable human being to enter my field of consciousness over the past twelve months. A poster boy for the unspooling disaster known as Obamacare, Krupp is also emblematic of American culture’s systemic devaluation of all things manly. Doris Day had more male hormones than he does. I”€™ve seen baby guppies that could kick this kid’s ass. Ethan Krupp’s face is the most persuasive evidence I”€™ve ever seen that society would benefit if it were to open its mind once again to the virtues of bullying.

 

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