Elton John and David Furnish

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CRIME: MADONNA RAPED AT KNIFEPOINT! (35 YEARS AGO)
Lifelong exhibitionist and part-time pop singer Madonna revealed in a lengthy article for Harper’s Bazaar that she was raped at knifepoint on a rooftop shortly after moving to New York City in 1978.

Proving yet again that it’s never a good idea to text while stoned, an idiotic New Jersey drug dealer allegedly set up a marijuana deal with a cop by sending a message to a police officer by mistake.

Las Vegas urologist Avi Chaim Weiss stands accused of intentionally squirting scrotal fluids from a 76-year-old patient “into the air and onto others multiple times.”

A large and loosely affiliated gang of black and Hispanic bikers whose members harassed, chased down, and eventually beat an SUV-driving Asian man in front of his wife and two-year-old daughter in Manhattan on the morning of September 29 reportedly contained at least five off-duty NYPD officers. One biker suffered a broken spine after being run over by the SUV and has retained the bloodthirsty walking case of vagina dentata known as Gloria Allred for counsel.

In what is believed to be a suicide pact, four people”€”two of them facing child-pornography and molestation charges, and the other two implicated”€”drove to a wooded area in northern Alabama and killed themselves.

FORBIDDEN WHITE VAGINAS
A joint production of The Vagina Monologues between Columbia University and Barnard College has announced that only “self-identified women of color” need audition. Apparently the problem with white vaginas is that they retain their whiteness and thus the horrid stench of privilege and colonialism.

A group of 200 or so Mormon women seeking to change their faith’s ban on female priests was refused entry to an all-male conference on Saturday. Rubbing salt in their mucus membranes was Kathryn Skaggs, a dutiful female blogger who refers to herself as “A Well-Behaved Mormon Woman.”

GIANT STINGERS AND BIG FEET
Forty-two people in China are dead and at least 1,600 are injured due to attacks from Vespa mandarinia, AKA the Asian giant hornet, the dreaded massive “yak-killer” whose venom can dissolve human tissue.

The Sasquatch Genome Project has concluded a five-year, $500,000 study of alleged Sasquatch DNA by announcing that, once and for all, Bigfoot is real.

QUIT YOUR WINING
Spain’s Castilla-La Mancha province is renowned worldwide as a fertile area for grape and wine production. Over the centuries, countless grapes have been crushed underfoot and under manmade machine power in the pursuit of vino. Now comes news that the grapes have gotten at least partial revenge”€”an estimated 5.5 tons of grapes have crushed a winery worker to death.