September 03, 2017

Keith Olbermann

Keith Olbermann

Source: Wikimedia Commons

As all men of virtue know, Africa invented everything and only plunged into seemingly prehistoric conditions after it was all stolen from them while they were sleeping one fateful night. This vast continent is the cradle not only of all technological progress; it hosts a gorgeous mosaic of rich cultural traditions that include killer phone calls, penis panics, ritual dismemberment of child witches, and car thieves who magically transform into goats.

Now comes news from the thriving nation of Mozambique that bald men are being targeted for murder because a local superstition claims “that the head of a bald man contains gold.”

From South Africa—where the murder rate shot up astronomically after apartheid ended—comes a charming story involving a cannibal potluck dinner where police found a boiling pot containing eight human ears. An estimated third of the residents in the tiny village of Esigodlweni admit to have partaken in eating human flesh, which they claim makes them “bulletproof.”

South Africa is also where children are raped as a cure for AIDS.

The world rejoices at the fact that with the evil colonizers having been routed, Africans can finally live up to their full potential.

Japanese Deputy Prime Minister Tara Aso has been forced to grovel, beg, and apologize for suggesting that Adolf Hitler may have had the “right motives,” proving that the power of the Simon Wiesenthal Center to shame people into submission extends halfway around the world. Rabbi Abraham Cooper called Aso’s comment “downright dangerous.” Were his comments as dangerous as living in the Gaza Strip?

A husband-and-wife team of food vendors at the Minnesota State Fair have likewise been forced into a terrified public apology for selling a smoked-salmon sandwich called “The Swindler,” which is highly offensive because it resurrects an ancient and entirely discredited trope claiming that Jews have ever swindled anyone in the history of the world.

For all the talk one hears of “white privilege,” it is increasingly evident that there is no greater privilege than blanket immunity from criticism.

For years the scientific community has made bold strides in seeking medical remedies for the sin of bigotry.

Now a group of researchers in Germany and Oklahoma has released a paper that claims xenophobia can be reduced by injecting the evil xenophobes with oxytocin, also known as the “cuddle hormone.” Test subjects were exclusively Caucasian, because everyone knows they are the only racial group capable of bigotry. But after “oxytocin-enforced norm compliance,” the xenophobes showed higher rates of altruism toward refugees and even increased their monetary donations toward pro-refugee charities by a formidable 74%.

If you can’t shame them into submission, it’s evident that the only way to break their will is to shoot them up with chemicals designed to make them feel cuddly toward those who’ve been selected to replace them.

Every Monday afternoon, Jim Goad reads and discusses the previous day’s “Week That Perished” column on his podcast. Tomorrow’s guest will be Peter Brimelow of discussing immigration.


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