May 27, 2013
JEWS IN THE NEWS
In honor of Jewish American Heritage Month, Vice President Joseph Biden delivered a philo-Semitic speech to a crowd of eager and receptive Jews that perhaps unwittingly celebrated disparate impact in Jewish accomplishments:
The Jewish people have contributed greatly to America. No group has had such an outsized influence per capita as all of you standing before you, and all of those who went before me and all of those who went before you….
In Chile, a hand puppet called Murdock the Lizard made a comment on a televised comedy show that “Jews burned better than wood,” which led to the predictable outrage and groveling. At press time, Murdock could not be reached for comment.
Although the story only relates to Jews by implication, a new book claims that John F. Kennedy admired Nazi Germany and claimed that fascism was far superior to communism. “The Germans really are too good,” he allegedly wrote in 1937, “therefore people have ganged up on them to protect themselves.” He also wrote that “The Nordic races certainly seem to be superior to the Romans,” which should be obvious to anyone who’s seen Jersey Shore.
RACE, RACE, ALL OVER THE PLACE
A black teacher in the Bronx was fired for using the word negro. In court papers the teacher claimed she was innocently using the Spanish word for “black.”
While the FBI has yet to file hate-crime charges in a barely publicized Louisiana case where a group of blacks beat up a family of whites, a black Baptist minister from Virginia”his name is Olander D. Cuthrell, and we couldn’t resist mentioning that”has been charged with staging a hate-crime hoax. Cuthrell originally claimed that a racial slur had been painted on his house prior to his home and car being torched, but now police say they suspect him of committing the acts himself.
In France, an “anti-racism association” has developed a mobile application whereby pathologically earnest and fatally humorless activists can take photos of “racist graffiti,” geo-locate them, and have authorities remove the offensive epithets before they poison anyone’s brain. At press time, it is not known whether it’s considered racist to hate the French.
A CRUELER, GENDERER WORLD
In Oregon, a 911 dispatcher told a panicked woman who’d called to say an ex-boyfriend was breaking into her house that due to budget cuts, they’d be unable to send out police assistance. The woman was subsequently choked and sexually assaulted.
In the criminally bleak and unexceptional town of Sacramento, a man’s wife allegedly bit his genitals after they left a rodeo too early for her liking. The woman’s ex-husband, who lives with them, reportedly broke up the fight.
In Korea, a reputed “honeypot” gang of female prostitutes is suspected of luring married men and then threatening to file false rape charges against them if they refused to meet their extortion demands.
A new study by Oxford University Press claims that women are 40 percent more likely to “develop” mental illnesses than men, although “nurture” may have been a better word choice.