December 18, 2016
Michelle Obama
Source: Wikimedia Commons
AN ISLAMIC GERMAN CHRISTMAS BOMBING
Authorities say a 12-year-old boy born in Germany to Iraqi parents tried and failed in November to blow up a Christmas market in the decidedly non-Islamic-sounding town of Ludwigshafen. He is suspected of leaving a homemade nail bomb in a backpack at the market, but it failed to detonate. He is also suspected of placing a second device near the city’s town hall on December 5, but it, too, failed to detonate. Security sources say the pre-pube Muslim became “strongly radicalized” by an unknown member of the Islamic State. But since the boy is only twelve, he will be released without any criminal charges just in time to participate in the expected New Year’s Eve Rape Wave that is but one of the many blessings of diversity in Frau Merkel’s Germany.
CALLING WOMEN “NINJAS” IS SEXIST
Because the main purpose of corporate culture is to protect women’s notoriously fragile feelings rather than to foster innovation and productivity, last week Forbes magazine published a hard-hitting how-to article called “How To Take Gender Bias Out Of Your Job Ads.” The essay alleges that job ads describing a workplace as “competitive” is using “masculine-coded words” to discourage women from applying, therefore rendering them barefoot, pregnant, and brainwashed into thinking that it”d be nice if she at least tried to make her breadwinning man happy every once in a while. Citing a study that the use of the word “ninja” has increased fourfold over the past four years, the article tries without one simple freaking shred of proof to argue that such a word may be perceived as “masculine” and therefore lead to a downward spiral of unemployment, painkiller addiction, and serial cat ownership from would-be female job applicants.
Pardon us for noticing that the world seemed much saner when it was rampagingly “sexist.”
PRO-TRUMP HATE CRIME HOAXES OF THE WEEK
Ripping a page from the Tawana Brawley playbook, an eighteen-year-old Muslim girl completely fabricated a story about being terrorized by white males because she was afraid of telling her parents why she didn”t come home at the prescribed time. Yasmin Seweid told police that on December 1, a trio of white Trump supporters on New York City’s No. 6 train called her a terrorist and tried snatching her hijab off her head while a train car full of straphangers stood by bored, refusing to intervene. When her story didn”t add up, she eventually confessed to police that she made the whole thing up because she didn”t want to further anger her parents, who were allegedly pissed off that she’s dating a Christian.
In the perpetually insane state of Florida, a 27-year-old black man “is accused of setting his girlfriend’s car on fire and staging it as a Donald Trump-inspired hate crime before faking his own kidnapping.” Vincent Palmer has reportedly confessed to police that he wrote the following note…
I have wathed [sic] you for a long time and your nigger kids don”t belong
…then wrote the words “TRUMP” and “KKK” on the note in his own blood before taping it to his girlfriend’s mailbox. Then he broke her car window, tossed gasoline onto the back seat, and lit the vehicle ablaze, hoping that the world would blame it on America’s smattering of remaining Klansmen.
What is certain is that there are currently more hate-crime hoaxers in America than there are Klansmen.
WHITE MOM FEELS GUILTY ABOUT BEING WHITE
Elizabeth Broadbent is a broad whose mind seems to be bent. Apparently attempting to doom her three sons to a life of ethnomasochistic self-loathing, she recently pecked out an intensely virtue-signaling piece called “Why I Feel Guilty About Being A White Mother“:
I have three sons, two years between each. They are various shades of blond, various shades of pinkish-white, and will probably end up dressing in polo shirts and button-downs most of the time. Their eyes are blue and green. Basically, I’m raising the physical embodiment of The Man, times three. The White is strong in these ones…. For a mother, white privilege means your heart doesn’t hit your throat when your kids walk out the door. It means you don’t worry that the cops will shoot your sons….Your sons may become the shooters.
If there’s any justice on this planet, Ms. Broadbent’s three white sons will grow up to absolutely despise her.
