December 23, 2013
I KNOW WHY THE HATE BIRD TWEETS
A Tea Party member in New Mexico is facing the predictable outrage after suggesting on Twitter that the Irish were treated worse than blacks in America and that modern blacks need to quit “bitching and moaning about how the world owes them a living.” (Many historians agree that roughly two-thirds of whites that came to colonial America arrived in some form of bondage.)
Arizona Cardinals player Darnell Dockett, bless his soul, has refused to apologize for the following Tweet:
Apple has a new device out for Chinese people. The iOpener.
Pundits remained flustered, flabbergasted, and befuddled that Dockett has not succumbed to the ritual of self-shaming that typically follows the orchestrated public outrage in the wake of such thoughtcrimes.
Actor and comedian Steve Martin has apologized more than once for Tweeting”and then removing it a mere seconds later”that how one spells “lasonia” depends on whether one is “in an African-American restaurant or an Italian restaurant.”
But the Hate Tweet of the week, and possibly the year, came from the fingertips of Justine Sacco, a blonde-haired PR Executive for Barry Diller’s InterActiveCorp. En route from London to South Africa, Sacco Tweeted thusly:
Going to Africa. Hope I don’t get AIDS. Just kidding. I’m white!
Sacco has been fired from her position, and AIDS remains a disease that disproportionately affects sub-Saharan blacks.
OBAMA’S BROTHER: “TOO WHITE” FOR BARACK
Mark Obama Ndesandjo, the light-skinned half-brother of Barack Obama, is self-publishing an autobiography to be released in February. Ndesandjo alleges that Barack Obama, Sr., was a violently abusive drunk who once held a knife to his mother’s throat. He also alleges that when he met Barack Obama in Kenya in 1988, “Barack thought I was too white and I thought he was too black.”
A BUSHEL OF OBITUARIES
Al Goldstein, the corpulent, foul-mouthed pioneer of hardcore porn who was repeatedly arrested on obscenity charges, has died in a Brooklyn nursing home at age 77. The New York Times eulogized him as “a Publisher who Took the Romance Out of Sex.”
Eschatological evangelical scaremonger Harold Camping, who faced increasing ridicule with each failed prediction for the day the world would end, has died at age 92 before the world ended.
Singer Ray Price, who with songs such as “Crazy Arms” and “For the Good Times” is credited with bringing country music into the American mainstream, has died of pancreatic cancer at age 87. Merle Haggard remembered him as “probably the first outlaw” in country music.
Legendary British actor Peter O’Toole, nominated eight times for his acting performances without winning an Oscar (he later snagged a Lifetime Achievement award), has shut the lids on his burning blue eyes for the last time.
Lord Infamous, 40-year-old founding member of rap group Three 6 Mafia, has died of a heart attack. Unlike Peter O’Toole, Three 6 Mafia won an Academy Award for their first and only nomination”in the Best Original Song category for “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp,” although Lord Infamous was no longer a part of the group at that time.
POLITICIAN PRETENDS HE’S HOMELESS, GETS PNEUMONIA
A publicity stunt by Queens City Council member Ruben Wills in which he attempted to demonstrate his compassion for the homeless by living as a street bum backfired when Wills came down with a nasty case of pneumonia after a mere two days on the streets.