April 24, 2017
And the final census category is called “Some Other Race.”
Ninety-five percent of the people who check “Some Other Race” on the form are mestizos, but other racial write-in votes include Creole, mulatto, South African, Belizean, gypsy, Puerto Rican, and”a race dear to my heart”the Melungeons. The Melungeons live in East Tennessee and eastern Kentucky and claim the blood of the Cherokee, African slaves, and Scots-Irish. They”re similar to the Jackson Whites of northern New Jersey, who are said to be descended from freed black slaves, Dutch farmers, and Ramapo Indians. I”m sure that, when the Melungeons and the Jackson Whites see the census form, they get really pissed off.
But wait! We”re not finished yet. Beginning with the 2020 census, there’s a new category: “Middle Eastern American,” defined as “populations originating in the Middle East, North Africa, and the Arab world.” This category will serve two purposes”making sure those wily Arabs don”t try to pass for white or pass for black (in the form of sneaky Maghrebers).
But wait! The U.S. Census Bureau is still not finished putting us into bogus categories”because all of the above six, soon to be seven, classifications are further divided into “Hispanic or Latino” or “Not Hispanic or Latino.” I”m not quite following why this is a subdivision as opposed to a category in itself, but it seems to be based on what language the person speaks. In other words, they”ve separated out Spanish from the other 6,500 languages in the world so as to say, “People who speak Spanish are special””a clear slap in the face to the 1.2 billion Mandarin-speakers.
Therefore”stay with me here”you will be able to choose, in 2020, a total of fourteen different ways to define yourself. White American Latino, White American Non-Latino, Asian American Latino, Asian American Non-Latino…and on down the line to Middle Eastern American Latino and its opposite and Some Other Race Non-Latino and its opposite.
But wait! I”m forgetting. You can claim more than one category. You can claim to be two races. You can claim to be three races. You can, in fact, claim all seven categories if, by some radical combination of sexual deviancy, international dating sites, group sex at Burning Man, promiscuous Air France flight attendants, and refugee-camp rape, you have been manufactured from the sperm and embryos of people from all over the world. Then, if you speak Spanish, might as well check “Latino” as well, which might make you a White African Native Asian Middle Eastern Pacific Islander with Belizean roots who speaks Spanish. You”re the grand-prize winner in the multiethnic multiracial lottery. You”re eligible for every federal program ever invented and scholarships at every school in America.
In fact, if we total up all the different combinations you could claim on the census form, including multiple-race options, you have 254 ways to define yourself. And since the government doesn”t require you to prove anything, meaning you can use any evidence including your grandma’s lies to define your heritage, it’s basically a big pile of statistical junk. (My own grandmother, by the way, was opposed to any form of genealogical research, under the theory that “If you go back far enough, sooner or later you”re gonna find a child molester or a Catholic priest.”)
And if we really wanna get serious about this stuff, we need to add some in-between categories for people like our 44th president:
Not That Black: Sidney Poitier, Halle Berry.
Not That White: Omar Sharif, Vin Diesel.
Not That Samoan: The Rock.
Probably, I Don”t Know, You Guess: Derek Jeter.
Because, let’s face it, what these categories are really based on is skin color.
Is that messed up or what?
White for Europe. Black for Africa. Olive for the Middle East. High yellow for Asia. Red for the Injuns. Swarthy for the Pacific. And, since we”re all having too much sex between the races, any ole color you please for Any Other Race.
America, you should be ashamed of yourself.
It’s especially appropriate that we get rid of this stuff now, because it’s the 50th anniversary of Loving v. Virginia, the landmark Supreme Court decision that abolished laws prohibiting interracial marriage. Richard Loving, a white man with an aptronymic surname, traveled to Washington, D.C., to get married to a pregnant nonwhite woman (part Indian, part black), but when the couple returned to their home in Central Point, Va., cops staked out their house to try to catch them in the act of having illegal sex. They eventually did drag them out of bed and haul them down to the county courthouse, charged with violating the Virginia Racial Integrity Act.
The interesting thing about this 1924 law is that it defined a white person as having “no trace whatsoever of any blood other than Caucasian.” The definition of a black person, on the other hand, was someone who had any African blood (called the “one-drop” standard). Apparently there was no definition of Asian-American, Pacific Islander, or Native Alaskan blood ratios. But the state of Virginia’s case was based on the idea that there were 100 percent white people who needed to be protected from race-mixing.
The court looked at the evidence for white racial purity and found it sorely lacking. Chief Justice Earl Warren even sneered at “so-called races” in his opinion. He noted that the legal definitions of what it means to be white and what it means to be black keep changing over time, and he came this close to saying “Race doesn”t exist.”
He should have. Instead the court simply struck down the obviously unconstitutional law, and racial classification survived for another day.
But now that day is up. I”m applying the one-drop rule to everybody. If you have one drop of blood that doesn”t belong there, you”re a mongrel. You”re “Any Other Race.”
Or, better yet, you”re American. Be proud.